Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ball Bag of Truth

 

 

Week 11 Recap

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SACKO CIVIL WAR UPDATE

 

 

Amazingly Randys (Youngs)

 

6,671.06 PTS

 

 

vs

 

OLD FUDDY DUDDYS

 

 

7,069.44 PTS

 

6.)

#9 Fartassian (3-8) 67.42 pts

Polymorphs

#11 Twatty (3-8) 55.40 pts

 

JR Says:

 



 

 

67 to 55? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? This was like watching a girl's volleyball game. I cannot waste too much time on this part of the recap because we have some Hardcore Dude Shit to get to. This matchup wasn't a joke. . .

Jokes are hard and require skill.

 

Fun Fact: Jonas Gray scored 44 pts by himself for Twatty's bench.

Twatty, I Know this might be hard for you to grasp right now, but this is actually real, not a computer program. You are currently looking at a Sacko Bye, bro.

 

 

That makes Michael Watts our:

SACKO DOUSCHE OF THE WEEK:

 

 

 

 

Fartassian Outlook: The +1000 pts makes the #9 seed look pretty at only 3 wins on the season so far. Not in the clear yet for a Sacko Bye, but will need more than 67.42 pts to beat #1 Sope Pro this week.

 

Twatty Outlook: Set your lineup R-Tard. I was actually, in real life, asked on Monday if there was a good kicker to pick up for MNF. Uggh, free agency locks on 1pm Sunday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.)

#4 Skipler (7-4) 132.96 pts

Sets the lineup of

#2 The Reverse Cowgirls (9-2) 90.24 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

Oh how the mighty Taco has fallen. It could come down to a points race vs Sope Pro for King of the Castle. Every roster tweak counts.

 

Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife!  Hide yo bros!  Cause Skiplers trade raping errrybody out thurr!

 

Meanwhile, Skipler is currently cornering the market on defenses.  Even more shenanigans are on the horizon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Skipler/RCG Joint Outlook (Really they are the same person anyway): Skipler has a 4 game winning streak to match the 80+ points over the next best team. However, they will need 2 Taco/Sope Pro losses and 1 Wirty loss along with 2 wins to get a first round bye. I should not have said that, because I am sure those shenanigans can be arranged. We all know JE will lose this week to make sure Dickhead will stay safe and sound at #6.

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.)

#6 Dickhead (6-5) 97.70 pts

**TSSSSHHHH (Burning sound effect)

#7 Beats by Ray (5-6) 77.52 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

This was the battle of 3-game losing streaks and for the 6th playoff spot.

 

BBR has been getting bitch slapped lately by the old bitches.

 

 

At least EJ got 1 solid player along with an injured backup RB via Skipler's trade rape. Its not like you didn't give up the best TE in the game or anything.

 

 

Beats by Ray Outlook: BBR needs to gain ground on #6 Dickhead and at least tie records because Dickhead has 33 less points. This week BBR plays the revamped Larry Villains and if I was TD I would talk collusion with Larry because . . .

 

Dickhead Outlook: DH plays the Reverse Cowgirls this week. You know the league's #2 seed will be starting their "B" Team so that all 4 butt buddies will make the real playoffs.

 

 

 

 

 

3.)

#3 The Butt Fumblers (8-3) 141.18 pts

Dark Clouds

#12 The Negro Sailfish (2-9) 110.78 pts

 

The Fuck Mike Weeks tour continues after another solid showing, and another solid Loss. This week, MW gets fucked all the way to last place.  It is just one devastating loss after another:

                              

 

 

 

Wirty, you had your chance to embrace your inner dark cloud and follow your gut feeling by adding and starting the Sanchize.  I hope that every Philly fan that thought they found their future QB replacement for Nick Foles feels as dumb as every Jets fan did watching the Butt Fumble happen.

 

 

 

The Butt Fumblers have been going tit for that with Sope Pro after having their tits rattled by Sope Pro a couple of weeks ago.  Ouch that one still hurts!

 

 

Butt Fumblers Outlook: The Good news = 1 game differential and 3 pts differential out of a 1st round bye.  The bad news = has to play against an angry Skipler team that has Shenanigans on their side.

 

Negro Sailfish Outlook: A sad, sad story here.  Has more points than all 3- win teams but only has 2 wins.  A Sackoing Weeks will go.  Getting out of the Sacko First Round Bye trap is not an impossibility by any stretch of the imagination.  This week NS has a very winnable matchup (Understatement of the year) against Twatty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.)

#10 Larry Villains (3-8) 81.38 pts

Hairy Babies

#8 Victorious Secret (4-7) 67.22 pts

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

That 67 point showing was the nail in the coffin that is VS's season.

 

Larry Villains took last week's "Outlook" very personally.  He only reads his segment and there is not too much to say this week so I have to make sure he at least gets some of his money's worth:

 

 

 

 

VS Outlook: It's been real.  At least try and finish in 7th or 8th place so that you do not completely embarrass yourself with a Sacko Bowl run in your first career appearance in it.

 

LV: Clawing their way from the depths of Sacko infamy, LV is currently avoiding a 1st round bye in the Sacko Bowl.  LV only has to hold off hard- luck Weeks and sleeping Watts to avoid a bottom- 2 finish.

 

 

1.) 

#1 Sope Pro (9-2) 106.82 pts

Blood Eagles

#5 Polk High Panthers (7-4) 97.28 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 



 

                 

 

 

 

I am going to keep this one simple for all the minimalists out there:

 

 

RIP Emmanuel Sanders:

 



 

 

ZOIDBERG TD CELEBRATION!:

 

 

 

 

Sope Pro Outlook: Only #1 thanks to a 14 point differential over Taco Enoksen.  This week Sope Pro defends the castle against the winner of last week's 67 pts- 55 pts Snowy Log Cabin, so there's that.

 

PHP Outlook: Plays the newish Larry Villains this week.  Still in the thick of things at 7 wins.  A win this week and the real playoffs will be just about locked up.  A loss, and that is when things will get exciting.  As in a bad way exciting.

 

 

                               

 



 

 





 

 

 

 

Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ball Bag of Truth

 

 

Week 10 Recap

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just so you know, you missed out on a gem of an opening picture this week.  Oh well, there is always next week:

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is that time of the year again.  The time where the recap gets (slightly) more serious.  When we start to make sense out of who is poised to do what in the playoffs and who is set to slob knob in the Sacko Bowl.  But first things first . . .

 

 

SACKO CIVIL WAR UPDATE

 

 

YOUNGS

 

6,173.42 PTS

 

 

vs

 

OLDS

 

 

6,441.18 PTS

 

 

 

So let's get to this week's edition of Hungry Hungry Homos.  Tell tales of forced intercourse.  #BEEFQUEEF .  I better stop it before I get called out for ripping off Tosh, next thing you know we'll have a SACK.o Recap and Ed's feelings will really end up getting hurt:

 

                                    

 

 

 

 

6.)

#5 Skipler (6-4) 137.10 pts

>

#6 Beats By Ray (5-5) 88.10 pts

 

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

Hey BBR!  YOU BLEW IT!!!  We were counting on you!  AND NOW SKIPLER IS IN 5TH PLACE!

 

 

Skipler makes an interesting move monopolizing on a RBBC.  Don't you know that Running Back By Committees are the worst things in Fantasy Football other than the Injured Reserve? Or looking at your team to begin with when you are Larry Villains!?

 

 

For the most part, BBR's players were boring this week in the world of GIF highlights . . . So here is a picture of an Enoksen getting attacked by the Seattle Seahawk:

 



 

 

Skipler Outlook:  Skipler at 6-4 currently sits at 5th place but owns a tiebreaker against every other team in the league based on Total Points Forced/ Forced Insertions.  Chances are Skipler is landing in the real playoffs, but here's hoping a 6-7 finish in 3 more weeks.  Next week has an interesting match up in store for Mein Kunt, as Skipler goes against fellow shenaniganer Reverse Cowgirls.  It is a win- win for the league as either the league's #1 ranked team or #1 highest scorer has to lose.

 

 

One things for certain.  At the end of the day, they are both tied with EJ for number one in our hearts!



 

 

BBR Outlook:  Currently in the midst of a 3 game losing streak after a league shifting upset against Sope Pro.  BBR is one of a few teams that truly sits in the middle of a real- playoff berth, or a Sacko Bowl reverse b(I)erth.

 

(remember this one!? a reverse birth/ berth, when the baby goes back inside the vag!!!)

 

 

 

 

5.)

#9 Twatty (3-7) 86.12 pts

<

#2 Sope Pro (8-2) 132.88 pts

 

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

Let me start this one off by saying FUCK KELVIN BENJAMIN!  All he had to do was not catch TWO GARBAGE TIME TD BOMBS and Sope Pro would have had the High Score this week.

 

 

 

Twatty continues his R- Tarded season as only an Eli- level R- Tard could:

 

 

 

 

Things were bad this week for RTardy, I mean Twatty.  So for that, you get a sad FATBOY SLICE!!!!!

 

 

 

Sope Pro Outlook:  At 8-2, a virtual, but not a technical, lock for the real playoffs.  However, the 2nd of 2 1st round bye spots race is a different story.  Currently sitting one outside of first, Sope Pro only leads the rest of the pack for second by one game.  After this week's matchup against a part of that pack, Polk High (7-3) Sope Pro enjoys a match up vs 2 teams that have a combined 4 wins this season!

 

Twatty Outlook:  At 3-7, Twatty is sitting pretty . . . in the race to avoid a Sacko 1st Round Bye!  There is no chance to make the real playoffs for Twatty but on the bright side, it is a 4 team stumble to avoid the 2 Sacko byes and Twatty has one more win than the other 3 tards with 2 wins each.

 

 

 

4.)

#3 Butt Fumblers (7-3) 102.66 pts

>

#10 I Love Morphine! (2-8) 63.94 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

Morphine finds themselves right at home in the Sacko Bye race against two other 2-8's and a 3-7 and The Butt Fumbler's finds yet another easy win.  I can't be all mean to the Butt Fumbler's, who are still hanging on at #3, so I will let Rex Ryan motivate from here on out:

 

 

I especially can't be mean to Morphine/ Cruzin/ name changes are annoying and this is your last warning before you become Dickhead2 . . . Because our resident Kim Kardashian stepped it up tonight.  As you read on, you are either filling with dread or anticipation because you already know what is coming next . . .

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

Ed FartAssian:

 

<3 <3 <3 <3<3 Ed

 

Butt Fumblers Outlook: Great shot for the playoffs barring a devastating "dark cloud" turn of events with 7 wins, 3 losses.  Very alive in the hunt for a real first round bye.

 

Morphine Outlook: Has the most points out of all the 2- win teams so there's that.  Right in the middle of the 4 team Sacko Slopfest to avoid a Sacko 1st round bye.

 

 

 

3.)

#8 Victorious Secret (4-6) 98.80 pts

<

#4 Polk High Panthers (7-3) 119.82 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

VS is somehow alive after losing the 6th of the season and, oh god I just saw Ed's hairy nut sack on the group text. . .writer's block. . .stall for content:

 

 

No, No, No, No . . . losing it.

 

 

 

 

. . .Must redeem myself with an unrelated South Park diversion. . .

 

This is going to be hard to believe . . .

 

. . . but none of this is real, you are trapped in a virtual world and this recap is just a computer program.

 

 

Fuck youuuuuuuu,

 

 

 

Polk High Outlook:  Huge matchup next week as #2 plays #4 and #4 is only one win behind #2.  So, yeah!  PHP has a great shot of making the playoffs but a 1st round bye looks tough because  PHP currently sits more than 150 pts behind #2 Sope Pro and more than 100 pts below #3 Butt Fumblers.  Tie- breakers are out the window with the top 3 teams (and Skipler).

 

VS Outlook: Probably the most difficult team to decipher.  At 4-6, VS can finish 7-6 with 3 wins and have a shot at the playoffs as their Points Forced are not devastatingly lower than the next 3 (out of 4, dammit Skipler, making things difficult.) teams.  Can also lose one or 3 of the next 3 and end up as a higher- seed in the Sacko Bowl.

 

 

 

 

2.)

#1 The Reverse Cow Girls (9-1)  127.10 pts

>

#11 The Negro Sailfish (2-8) 119.14 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

 

Poor, poor Negro Sailfish, the man always holding him down.  Even after a 4 TD Marshawn Lynch Sack- tapping.  Here we see the New York Giants doing their best bowling pin impressions (insert your own mental sound clip of bowling pins getting knocked over):

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Super Taco Who Comes From The Future remains in first place:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey look!  Here is some of Johnny E's inbreed offspring right now over in London taking in the Cowboy's overseas game vs the Jag's.  They can't really comprehend what the name of their father's favorite team means though.  "YAAAYYY WE LIKE COW- BOYZ YAAAAYY!"

 

 

 

And here is The Reverse Cow Girls Ambiguously Gay Quarterback.  "Jeezus Chriiist!!":

 

 

 

RCG Outlook: The only team that truly controls its own destiny (duuuuhhhhh!)at #1, 9-1, 1 game ahead of the next best, 2 games up on the 3 and 4. Here is where it gets exciting as The Cowgirls face the EXTENZE GAUNLET as they go up against every other old man in the league in the last 3 weeks.  Duh Duh Duhhhhhhhh!

 

NS Outlook: Right in the middle of the bottom 4 team's clusterfuck that you have already heard about twice before, earlier in the recap.  IF my math is correct, you will hear one more time.

 

 

1.)

#7 Dickhead (5-5) 95.98 pts

<

#12 Larry Villains (2-8) 112.38 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dickhead is currently sporting a 3 game losing streak.  2 of the 3 of those losses were legitimate upsets. 

 

This one is for the old men that are reading this right now after calling "BEER!" at the Portly on Friday afternoon. I need everyone to start staring at EJ and start banging on the bar.  Repeat after me:

 

 

SACK-O BOWL!

 

SACK-O BOWL!

 

SACK-O BOWL!!!!

 

 

It doesn't get worse than when your QB throws a sweet Touch Down. . . and it ends up in the hands of your opponents 1st round pick:

 

 

 

 

Dickhead Outlook: 3 game L streak kills sure fire playoff aspirations but he can still get in the hard way.  The Colin Kaepernick Tattoo/ Forced Insertion/ Johnny E's Thoroughbred Bitches way. 

 

Larry Villains Outlook: N/A

 

 

 

 

 

Just a friendly reminder, when the Sacko Bowl was  first created there was a rule put in place to recognize history.  If you score the most points, finish in 1st, and win the championship then the playoffs and championship title will be renamed to your real name.  For example, two years ago I had the most points and finished the season in first but ended up in 4th place.  Had I won the championship, you'd be playing for the Hope Trophy in the Brian Hope Invitational.

 

Here is why this matters.

 

The same rules apply, but in reverse, for the Sacko tournament.  This is recognize a historically shitty team.

 

Right now here are the 3 criteria for Larry Villains:



 

 

 

Least Points =  CHECK

 

Last Place =  CHECK

 

Sacko Winner = TBD

 

 

 

Now in all honesty, I rushed this last segment.  This is because I have to get to the true main event of this recap.  Just when you thought you have seen enough of naked Ed tonight, Holly and I teamed up to bring you this priceless gem:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is the original for you old fucks out there:

 

 

To kick off next week, Ed has already agreed to reenact Kim's frontal shots: