Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ballbag of Truth
Week 4 Recap
Things are starting to make sense 4 weeks into the land of the Sacko. 3 Unbeatens and 2 winless. Still early, but then again, it is never too early to start stocking those rosters for the sake of an early exit from the Sacko Bowl.
Sacko Civil War Update:
Bros
(Young Guys)
2,501.94 pts
VS
Geezers
(Old Dudes)
2,493.86 pts
Commissioner Bot automated opening:After last week's Barn Burn- a- Palooza, things slowed down for almost... ALMOST half of the league. The other ALMOST half turned it up. This made for some extremely lame matchups for ALMOST all of the league. And then something special happened. There came a moment after days of shit talk. There was talk of sloppy seconds, Colin Kaepernick prison tattoo style rape, and we even got to see the poetic side of the league as last names of players were worked into the smack talk until the threat of shooting CUM on a rival team was laid down. This got the barns burning on a week that needed it the most. So let's get to the recaps.
6.)
#10 Victorious Secret (1-3) 133.22 pts
kicks the dick of
#6 Twatty (2-2) 73.18 pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
VS got their 1st win in the least exciting matchup in a week of very unexciting matchups. This one got ugly fast:
Twatty is fading fast, but hopes to get their white boys back in the game next week as they go against this year's Wirty: Larry Villains. Remarkably, Twatty has not touched the waiver wire once and is looking like this year's Josh. Don't worry bro, keep rostering Danny Amendola, heck start him, I'm sure he'll get a point for the first time since week 1 sooner or later.
If we are going to break down this matchup, we have to check out one key matchup that really told the whole story:
Steve Smith Sr. Calvin Johnson
7 Rec 2 Rec
139 Rec Yds 12 Rec Yds
2 Rec TDs 0 Rec TDs
29.40 pts 2.20 pts
For Victorious Secret, next week kicks off the yearly Divorce Party matchup vs Sope Productions.
I am out of material for this one so I am going to leave you with:
What girls see when Watts gets in their face with a Go Pro!
And there's your breaking news Ed! Teddy Bridgewater's ankle is fine! Rejoice in his keeper value! Fantasy God Is Good!
5.)
#1 Sope Productions (4-0) 112.22 pts
Out-Fantasy Eskimo Brothered
#7 The Bitches (2-2) 67.20 pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
EJ's shenanigans seem to be running dry, but just when you think there is nothing up his sleeve, just remember you can't out- Shenanigan the master of Shenanigans (Skip's Shenanigan's game is too smooth to be considered the master of Shenanigans, he'll pull them before you can even yell "Shenanigans!". EJ's shenanigans are right up in your face). OK, no more shenanigans talk.
The official countdown is on. How many recaps until The Bitches/ EJ are known as Dickhead for the remainder of the season. Those of you in the league last year know what I am talking about.
The worst part of this loss for the Bitches is that Bishop Skanky scored more points than any single (non- QB) starting player on EJ's lineup. The real stinger here is that he scored all of those points in one drive. OUCH. It is all too appropriate to recycle last week's picture to let that sink in a little deeper:
Fantasy premature ejection from your roster affects 1 in every 4 Fantasy managers. The Bitches just tried to hold out for the big pay off, but just simply could not wait any longer. I am just glad I could step in and accept Skanky with open arms, now that he is actually going to be worth a 4th round pick:
I should probably stop dwelling on snagging this one player and go into the rest of the matchups or maybe joke about another topic but you can:
4.)
#2 The Butt Fumblers (4-0) 146.68 pts
Gets first career high score, vs
#12 Larry Villains (0-4) 92.54 pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
This is a matchup of real Wirty vs New Wirty. See, you drop Trent Richardson and the dark clouds float away. The Butt Fumbler's get this week's $15 grand prize much to the dismay of the reeling Larry Villains. Maybe you should go back to the name of your once proud fantasy team LRY VLNS. Stand tough like the Redskins. You heard the public outcry of your commissioner calling your name offensive because it was obnoxious to type over and over, yet you caved in. I say stick it to the man and go back to LRY VLNS, there I even typed it twice in this recap. Now it probably is not cool for you to go back because I am suggesting it and that would make you a conformist. Well it worked for Wirty.
For Larry's segment I'd like to show him as "that guy". Here is The Butt Fumbler's Jeremy Maclin vs Larry Villains as that guy number 20.
Too bad Brandon Marshall is stuck at glorified Tight End status with the bum leg. His 5 yd TD's are pretty, it's just a shame those are the only catches he is worth. Oh yeah, and Larry Villains = that guy #31 with the broken ankles sitting on his ass.
I am going to use the rest of this recap as a modern Fantasy Football History Lesson:
Let The Butt Fumbler's turnaround be a lesson for **AHEM some of you. Clearly his season was looking grim for the second time in two years. He traded an asset (AP before season ending injury) for a future asset Leveon Bell (plus minor parts that I really do not remember at this point). So if your season is looking like a downhill slope ** AHEM **AHEM Larry. **Cough ** Cough Weeks. Maybe it is time to start loading your roster for weeks 15 and/ or 16 and trading for keepers that can help you next year, when you are hopefully not winless through 4 weeks.
3.)
#4 The Reverse Cow Girls (3-1) 132.16 pts
Out Colludes
#5 Beats By Ray (2-2) 107.78 pts
The Collusion World Tour visited Tom's Tavern this week:
It seems the Grade F Glaucoma medicine is making its way through the league and players are straight up flaunting it:
But hey, whatever works. The stuff is like Spinach to Popeye apparently:
Anyway, hopefully BB Ray passes on a scouting report to fellow noob Polk High as they face him next week. Something tells me that the Cow Girls days of starting backup running backs are over. That is until the Cow Girls face a team that had a say in picking their lineup at the Portly on Friday.
Next week I'll provide an INSIDE look at some little known facts about your favorite, my favorite, Johnny Taco Enoksen.
2.)
#3 Polk High Panthers (4-0) 105.22 pts
Gluten Free's
#11 The Negro Sailfish (0-4) 85.18 pts
Weeks may be coasting as he is playing with house money but should start stepping it up because his well on his way to wearing the house Sacko Nutz.
I heard if you start a shitty defense that starred in the previous week's edition of Thursday Night Bloodbath's, that will make your dick fly off (or at least you'll score negative points, but hey that sucks almost as bad.) Green Bay should be available after what I am sure will be a bloodbath tonight, because Thursday night games suck. Add them and start them next week and you'll save $ on that sex change that you were looking into.
Polk High has found a nice little niche of scoring just enough points on weekly basis. Not exactly "Dripping in Bitches" status, but enough to get the W's. Get your lube ready for next week as the Collusion World Tour heads your way next week!
(Ya get it! Lube kind of like Devin Hester is clearly wearing in this GIF)
(I've got nothing else)
Matchup of the weeeeeeeeeekkk . . .
And thank Fantasy God because the other matchups were weaaakkk . . .
1.)
#8 BTB + BTB (1-3) 135.06 pts
Out shits the talk against
#9 Cruzin All The Way (1-3) 127.48pts
JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!
Ok, so maybe this one got a little extra Barn Burnage based on the Monday Night finish and the sheer amount of poetic shit talk leading up to this one. JR loves rape threats. Either that or he was going through Barn Burner withdrawals this week and just wanted to yell MAHHHH GAWWWWD! Or maybe he was just stroking out again after an Oklahoma Steak BBQ dinner and had a lapse in judgement. Who cares, three Barn Burners, WOOOO!
For BTB this was a battle of staying alive. Obamacare/ Equal Oppurtunity Fantasy points are only going to hand you out so much.
For Cruzin, last week's feel good story = this week's dangling truck nutz reality.
This one was good from "T to B. TOP TO BOTTOM!" - Clean Randall
If your Defense is scoring more TD's than your regular lineup up is, you're gonna have a baaaaad timeeee:
I was cheering for Cruzin, no rhyme or reason as to why, but Ed failed me. And for that you get no Mitzvahs.
HAIL SKIPLER!!!!!!
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