Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ball Bag of Truth
Week 6 Recap
I wanted to start this week by making a public apology. I, your commissioner, am truly sorry. Sorry that I reported falsified information and mislead you by calling Johnny E a Swede when he is truly the Norwiegey that we all know and love. To make amends, I am dedicating this entire recap to Johnny E and Norway. The week 6 Recap is now officially JE Appreciation Week!
Sacko Civil War Update:
JE's Team (Olds)
3,800.58 pts
Vs
Not JE's Team (Youngs)
3,714.36 pts
I also wanted to wish everyone a happy and healthy Breast Awareness Month!
There's only a few more guitar licks left in Rocktober you guys!!!
6.)
#7 Skipler (3-3) 138.28 pts
teposers
#5 Polk High Panthers (4-2) 67.24 pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
Skipler, now that is a name change I approve of. Skipler leads his Third Reich right over the Poland High Panthers. Three strong weeks in a row and still technically out of the money. I have a feeling that I am going to have to prepare some holocaust and Nazi jokes in advance for the coming Recaps. We might have to pull some league wide collusion to become the Allied Forces against Skipler and Dickhead's (and JE by default) access of evil. Judging by how bad Polk High got Anne Franked this week, the Sacko Civil War might escalate to a Sacko Civil War 2 (the first one was 9/12's of the league vs Trollsdorf). For Skipler, things are looking too easy right now:
As for PHP's, things are looking pretty bleak for a team that is currently in the money. Points are fading fast over there. These are some valuable points that are being missed out on that will surely come back to haunt based on how close spots #3- #8 look six weeks in. These are also some valuable points that will come back to haunt me as I expect to be the Sacko Civil War's Inaugural Beer Bitch draft's version of Lesean McCoy. We'll Skipler may have one of the best fantasy teams in a three week span and we may have one of the worst NFL teams in a 5 week span (effin Jets) but we can always rejoice in this for comfort:
#LOLPHINS
(Skipler is a huge Miami fan)
JE FUN FACT #1:
Johnny E "Backed that Ass Up" ever since day one, when he was born a Breech Baby. Bewildered by what that means? I got your back:
Still confused about how he was born? Well picture this, way back when in 1964 our young JE came out just like a little human turd. AND HERE IS A VISUAL:
5.)
#3 Beats By Ray (4-2) 146.32 pts
analt trer 's
#8 Twatty (3-3) 84.44pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
Twatty's season long power nap continues as his team of white boy bro's (Unsurprisingly) fails him again. What do you mean old Wes Welker and regular Brian Hartline combined for only 1.3 pts this week, that's shocking . . . said no one ever.
Beats By Ray is now the Two- Time! Two- Time! Sacko Bowl High Score Champion of the World (Week). This one may not have been that close, but things will get much tighter as there is a potential slobber knocker on the table next week for BBR, but I'll get to that later.
As for Watts, it's time to wake up and pay attention, because HOCKEY SEASON STARTED THIS WEEK:
JE FUN FACT #2
Johnny E failed blocks. You read that right. Young JE could only speak Norwegian (I wonder what he thinks of all the matchup verbs this week) and had a difficult time in kindergarten. It was a combination of lacking motor skills and being the weird foreign kid in class that made JE stray from his full potential in school. He was held back a grade in lieu of Special Ed and the rest is history. He befriended the other old men from the league and was even introduced to his wife by our resident Dickhead EJ. If it wasn't for JE's inability to stack one block on top of the other, you would not even be reading this recap based on him!
4.)
#1 Sope Pro (5-0) 126.50 pts
skyter laste på
#12 Larry Villains (0-6) 86.62pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
That one played out exactly how you would expect First vs Worst would. It's not too late to start stacking up those week 15/16 sleepers and to trade for some guys who will help you regroup next year **AHEM AHEM. I have no problem giving into your advice whore ways. I'll creampie your mind with ideas!
At this point, Larry Villains just looks lost:
And I'll keep the Larry shaming weekly GIF topical this time. Larry = the Jacksonville Jaguar bowling pin players trying to tackle Bishop Sankey:
Let's look ahead to next week as we have a Sacko Mania Main Event on the cards:
Fellow Two- Time Two- Time Weekly High Scorers collide as #1 Sope Pro faces off against # 3 Beats By Ray. Let's hope that for Sope Pro's sake, Lesean Mc Coy and Darren Sproles do not show up . . .
OH WAIT!?
JE FUN FACT #3
JE's biggest strength? His gigantic Norwegian forehead. True fact, his oversized protruding forehead ledge and bushy ginger eyebrows makes it impossible for his eyes to get wet in the rain. Here is a JE life hack for you to use: When navigating through a crowd or mosh pit, just tail behind JE. Give him a pinch on the ass and let the inner Norwegian rage take over as he clears as path through any sea of humanity. Men, women, children, elderly, babies . . . it doesn't matter, JE will tuck his head and run right through. JE's biggest weakness? This will surprise no one:
3.)
#6 Dickhead (4-2) 102.7 pts
sekk kraner
#11 The Negro Sailfish (0-6) 80.36 pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
The Negro Sailfish faced off against the Ferguson Police Department this week, and, you can see how that worked out. The Sailfish currently has the same percentage chance of making the (actual) playoffs this year as Josh has to escape Diabetes. Much like those dirty Man Boobs, his chances are not looking so good.
We should all vote and allow a one- time act of collusion for sympathy's sake. . . I say we let Larry and Weeks combine teams to make one giant awful (but not as awful) team. I feel this will increase the parity in the league and hopefully avoid having both a 0-13 and a 1-12 team in the league this year. I say 1 and 12 because Larry Villains and Negro Sailfish have to play each other eventually.
EJ gets off easy this week (other than being referred to as Dick Head, but he earned that moniker) since he helped with the JE Fun Facts and because, I likes to keep my Bitches hydrated:
JE Fun Fact #4
JE does not wear shorts. His legs are so white that the sun once reflected off of them, temporarily blinding a nearby driver and causing a 6 car pile up. 8 people died that day, 9 if you count one passenger who was pregnant. Since that day, it has been all jeans all the time no matter how muggy the swamp ass.
2.)
#2 The Reverse Cow Girls (5-1) 119.16 pts
Johnny E's
#4 The Butt Fumblers (4-2) 109.72 pts
JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!
2 Barn Burners because:
1.) We need as many Barn Burners as we can get this week.
2.) Johnny E!!!!!
Don't look now, but the Butt Fumblers are officially on a losing streak. I think he is starting to get jealous about all the negative press on Villains and Negro. He wants to be back in the mix of things. Don't worry Wirty, there are still 7 weeks you can lose!
In all truth, we are not here to talk about the negative outlook of the Butt Fumbler's season after this loss. We are here to honor the secret father of Johnny De. YOU'RE NUMBER 2!!!! YOU'RE NUMBER 2!!!!
For the sake of staying on the bright side, JE will be able to avoid the annual late season collapse that comes with the territory of drafting only Dallas players.
JE Fun Fact(s) #5
Penguins were once introduced in Norway. One of them was promptly shot by a Norwegian matron who claimed it was a freak of nature that had invaded her yard.
In 2011, Norway went through a nationwide butter shortage, where smugglers would often get caught smuggling butter and online auctions for one packet of butter reached as high as $77.
Dying is illegal in Longyearbyen, Norway because the town’s small graveyard stopped accepting bodies after discovering the permafrost prevented the bodies from decomposing.
Last year, the Norwegian police only fired a gun in one occasion. In 2007, not a single shot was fired.
In Norway, Major attractions include the fjords, and Norwegian girls, you may also attend a black metal concert. These are strange conventions in which members of groups dress up in their traditional folkloric costume and sing jolly folk songs. People pay money to stand up for four hours, have their ears bleed, and be bruised by a group of men fucking each other aggressively.
Main event time . . . Finallyyyy . . .
1.)
#9 Victorious Secret (2-4) 94.60 pts
tar en bæsj på i en visning av komplett dominans
#10 Cruzin all the Way (1-5)88.12 pts
JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!
Lowest point matchup as the Main Event whattt? And on Johnny E appreciation week, c'mon man. . . Well this matchup was this year's desperation bowl. Cruzin's chances of success go from slim to none, while Victoious Secret's go from slim to slightly less slim. This loss supplants Ed as our league's rendition of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!
Times are tough when JJ Watt is your best fantasy football player and we do not even score Individual Defense Players.
At least your starting QB does have some hidden talents:
Ahhh, why am I stalling. I know you cannot wait for the JE FUN FACT GRAND FINALE! After leading a team of investigators last week, I was determined to get to the bottom of Johnny E's international seed spreading. Millions of DNA tests were taken and EJ and myself have come up with a decisive list and we are breaking world news here tonight with:
JOHNNY E'S FAMILY TREE OF INTERNATIONAL SEED SPREADING:
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