Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ball Bag of Truth
Week 7 Recap
Sacko Civil War Update:
Vaginas (Olds)
4,416.62 pts
Vs
Manginas (Youngs)
4,290.36 pts
I would like to start this week off by paying respect to three lost souls. I find that it is appropriate to kick things off with a collection of eulogies for our gone, but not forgotten bretheren that have about the same chance of escaping the Sacko Bowl as Joe Stank has of touching an actual human vagina (without paying for it). . .
An ass that once burned with such passion and penis that flickered for just a short while and then quietly went soft.
Lets now spend a few moments in silence and you can each remember Cruzin in your own special way, and those of you that do have a religious faith might like to use this time for your own private prayer (or burn in hell like the Atheist pagan fornicator that you are - Half Bill).
Let us be contented with what has happened to Larry Villains and be thankful for all the butt load of fantasy points we have been spared.
Let us accept the natural order of lineup choices in which we move.
Let us reconcile ourselves to the mysterious rhythm of our waiver choices; such as they must be in this world of shit- talk.
Let us treasure our super sleepers but not bewail our players suspended for domestic abuse.
The glory of victory cannot exist without 1 win or less teams.
Fantasy football as a whole, and good and the reality fucking Jets being 1 and 6 must be accepted together.
The season has been enjoyable and well worth making-----once.
Larry Villains died on Monday October 20th aged 7 weeks.
I know he will be greatly missed by everyone who knew and loved him.
So we meet here today to honor and pay tribute to The Negro Sailfish and to express our hate and overall negative feelings for them, and in doing so I hope that we can bring some form of comfort to those that actually see him more than once a year who are here, and who have been deeply hurt by his stamped ticket to the Sacko Bowl.
The catastrophe of a winless season cannot be altered, but it can be transformed by not being a complete R- Tard.
We are here to share our laughter, so I hope you will not feel ashamed or embarrassed to point and laugh openly if this is a help to make them feel even worse about not winning a single fucking game.
And perhaps you will feel glad that you took the opportunity to win some of your blowout games at the expense of The Negro Sailfish along with those who have played Negro Sailfish, in the first 7 weeks of the season.
Now that we have mourned the loss of three teams that we knew since draft day that their days were numbered, and I have you feeling all nice and somber, I would like to bring up a new charity that we here at the Sacko Bowl are starting. Most of you might not know, but a member of our Sacko family was in the hospital this week. So I present to you:
Ed's Guts Foundation
(Cue the sad homeless and beaten puppies commercial song)
For your donation of $5, you will get a brown Scause bracelet. The donation will go straight toward purchasing a giant bottle of industrial strength Pepto Bismol so we can keep our boy out of the ER!
6.)
#12 Negro Sailfish (0-7) 86.70 pts
get Demaryiused by
#8 Victorious Secret (3-4) 109.26 pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
The Demaryius Thomas show continues this week against the Negro Sailfish who really lost this season before it even started and was all tangled up from the get- go.
(Scissor me Carson!!)
At this point, Victorious Secret has to pray at least 50 Hail- Sackos a week if she wants to make the real playoffs. It has been one Steve Smith scrap match after another so far this season for VS:
5.)
#10 Cruzin all the Way (1-6) 77.84 pts
gets brown- housed vs
#11 Larry Villains (1-6) 94.20 pts
JR Says: 1 (sympathy) Barn Burner!
The good news for Larry Villains: they won a game!
The bad news for Larry Villains: it's week 8 now!
Not for nothing, newly acquired Cruzin players that are traded from Sope Productions tend to be the best performers on Ed's team out of the gate. That is, before they inevitably crap out for the sole reason of being associated with Cruzin all the Way. Larry Villains winning a game with a lineup like that is wrong. Even more wrong than ejecting a player for giving an NFL referee a friendly T's up for doing a great job:
In other news, Cruzin joins the Bishop Sankey FF Eskimo Brother Frenzy!!!
4.)
#6 Polk High Panthers (4-3) 88.42 pts
Pulls a Josh against
#4 The Butt Fumblers (5-2) 101.20 pts
JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!
Polk High is miraculously still in Playoff position after a major Skipler loss, but I will get to that one later. Fern called it before it happened this week as three bench players scored over 14 pts each and 3 starting players scored under 8 points (2 of them under 4pts . . .ouch). For this matchup, it was advantage = old men as waking up before 2 pm saved the day for the Butt Fumblers. The Butt Fumblers are doing their best anti- rain dance as Wirty is doing the best he can to shoo the dark clouds away. And here is some ketchup being poured on Randall Cobb during a Lambeau Leap:
3.)
#9 Twatty (3-4) 93.22 pts
gets a wakeup call from
#2 The Reverse Cowgirls (6-1) 108.52 pts
JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!
Welllllcommeeeee to Taco- Maniaaaaa!!!!!!!!
This week featured Team Effort Taco (JE) vs Taco in Training (Watts). The Cow Girls win and Sope Pro's loss makes for a major main event next week in the battle for Sacko Supremacy (1st place).
Twatty might have had a pretty bad week but at least it wasn't as bad as Giovanni Bernard's . . .
(2 different plays on the same drive!)
While we are on the topic, at least Watt's week was not as bad as this lady's either:
2.)
#7 Skipler (3-4) 108.62 pts
gets blitzkriegged by
#5 Dickhead (5-2) 117.78 pts
JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!
Somehow Skipler is on the outside looking in on the real playoff scene. I for one would find it hilarious if the league's highest scorer finds themselves in thick of a Sacko Playoff run (more like tumble). Too bad for Skipler, I could not just show this next GIF and say how easy things looked for his team:
I wonder what player (or sexual favor) EJ traded Skip in order to have this W giftwrapped. I can't talk too much smack, because for this one week each year EJ= the good guys. I personally am cheering for every team that plays against Skipler a la the 2006 Patriots (minus the ALMOST perfect record).
If the previous matchup was Taco Mania, then this one was the Shennanigans Bowl . . .
#BEEFBABY
The main event previewed last week just so happens to be the main event being recapped tonight . . .
1.)
#1 Sope Pro (6-1) 101.64 pts
gets his Barn Burned by
#3 Beats by Ray (5-2) 104.72 pts
JR Says: 3 Barn Burners ! (This one was close to setting off the JR stroke- face alarm)
Sope Pro loses to BBR and their stupid WR corps. Here is a fun fact for Tommy after trying to veto last weeks trade: If the trade was voted against, Sope Pro would have started Andre Johnson instead of DeAndre Hopkins who each had just about the same points. Sope Pro would have started Forsett instead of Reggie Bush, who scored 4 more points and would have given Sope Pro the win.
I do not see a better way to explain how crazy this matchup was on Monday night then to give you a play by play . . .
Going into the match it is Sope Pro with Houston WR Hopkins and Pittsburgh's Kicker vs BBR's Arian Foster and + 12 points.
Arian Foster starts running wild - No!
Houston falls behind and starts throwing the ball and Pittsburgh kicks a few field goals and extra points - Yes!
Fast Forward to the 4th quarter towards the end of the game . . .
Hopkins catches a big pass, Sope up! Yes!
He fumbles the ball while running. BBR Up No!
Steeler's kicker hits a 40 yd field goal. Sope Up! Yes!
Arian Foster catches the ball and runs with it. BBR up! No!
Hopkins catches the Ball. Sope Up! Yes!
He picks up some serious yardage. Yes!
He gets tackled at the 1. Nooooooooooo!
(look closlier, top right)
Foster lines up to run it at the one. QB goes to sneak it. Yes!
False start on Polamalu. Half the distance to the goal on the 6 inch. Nooooo!
Foster lines up for a 1/2 yd carry. Nooooo!!!!
Playaction pass. Yessss!!!
They throw it to Foster. Noooooo!!!!
He bobbles it before the goal line. Yessss!!!!
He catches it and scores a TD. No No Goddammit Noooo!!!
Houston goes for an onside kick. Whatever.
The ball is loose and there is a scrum for it. Yes!
Steelers recover, game over. Fuck everyone!
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