Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ball Bag of Truth

 

 

Week 5 Recap

 

 

 

 

 

 

In this league, we do not discriminate if you are transgender or cisgender.  But if you are slowing up your team in the Sacko Civil War, then you can suck my balls and clit! 

You can't point fingers!

Pointing fingers solves nothing!

Larrrrry!

 

 

Cisgenders (Youngs)

 

3104.78 pts

 

 

 

 

Vs

 

 

Transgenders (Olds)

 

3165.78 pts

 

 

 

 

 

There are a lot of GIFs and a lot of Barn Burners to get out of the way so let's get to it:

 

 

 

 

 

6.)

#2 The Reverse Cow Girls (4-1) 102.34 pts

out- shenanigan

#4 Polk High Panthers (4-1) 84.74 pts

 

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

In comparison, this matchup was a real snoozefest:

 

 

. . . and yes, that is a brand new on air nap session for Mike Francesa.

 

Let's take an inside look at Polk High's newest acquisition throwing a flag on himself:

 

 

 

What What Whaaaaat???

 

 

Now on to The Swedish Taco.  We all know Johnny E likes to spread his seed metaphorically throughout the league, sitting at 4 and 1.  But did you know that he also likes to literally spread his seed throughout real life?  That leads us to tonight's:

 

Sacko Bowl Exclusive Report:

 

It was recently discovered that Johnathan E may or may not have procreated love children WORLDWIDE.  Amid much speculation, our league's resident Taco has faced many questions following Team USA's loss to team Belgium in the 2014 World Cup when it surfaced that JE may or may not have taken part in a Sex Tourist Vacation to Belgium about 22 and a half years ago.  It was the summer of 2014 that Johnny's illegitimate bastard son Kevin De Bruyne was able to exact his revenge against his biological father's home country on the world stage defeating the US in added time.

 

 

 

• Kevin DE BRUYNE
• 

  BelgiumBEL
• Midfielder
• 23years old
• 181cm

Date of Birth28 Jun 1991

 

As the months have passed, ANOTHER Enoksen lovechild has surfaced.  ESPN cameras  were live filming on hand at a Kansas City Royals ALCS games and have recorded and confirmed yet another Enoksen love child.  In the GIF below, you can clearly see the pasty white skin and short ginger hair that comes together to display Johnny E's Day- walker complexion.  Is this enough proof that Johnny's seed is spread on a domestic level as far as across international shores?  Well, just look at the demeanor of the unconfirmed late teens to early twenty Swedish American male in the GIF below.  His demeanor is undoubtedly that of the Enoksen family tree.  It shows that "Quiet at first, but then rare angry episode that I will not hesitate to scream and then punch you in the face" signature attitude.  Who knows how far his seed has traveled.  Anyone in this league under the age of 30 might want to look into DNA testing.  If there is any signs of Swede in your blood, Johnny E might be your secret father as well!

 

 

 

 

 

(**Editor's note, there is a director's cut of this stupid article but the Sacko Recap was censored for the first time ever.) 

 

 

 

 

5.)

#8 BTB + BTB (2-3) 175.46 pts

carries out "Operation Nuclear Winter" against

#11 Negro Sailfish (0-5) 72.60 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

1 Barn Burner you may ask?  JR does love to see someone get mudhole stomped and beat down like a government mule from time to time.  This was the beatdown of the century as BTB layeth the smacketh down on the Negro Sailfish's candy ass.  The highest single week point total + a 100 point differential + Michael Week's man tears = being involved in a Barn Burner just for showing up.

 

 

If only you could get bonus fantasy points in the category of "Sweet Ass Catches".  Alshon Jeffrey's YAC may be winning games, but Sammy Watkins SAC should be what really matters.  After all, shouldn't SAC count when you are in the hunt for a SACK-o to call your own?

 



 



 

 



 

4.)

#1 Sope Pro (5-0) 110.78 pts

Keeps the Kids! vs

#10 Victorious Secret (1-4) 97.34 pts

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

Sope Pro outlasts the Demaryius Thomas show to send Victorious Secret to another loss after last weeks feel good story. 

 

 

 

 

Sope Pro is on bye next week (aka playing Larry Villains) while Victorious Secret will be stuck comparing metaphorical butt hole size against Cruzin to see whose has been getting fucked worse.

 

 

Shitty keepers and a Negative- Nancy attitude helped caused this 1 and 4 start.  The same thing could be said for the NY Jets. 

Over/ Under, who loses more games this season?  Victorious Secret or your New York Jets?  Either way, there will be early draft picks.

 

 

 

As Victorious Secret's official trade negotiator, I will say that big name WR's and kinda big name TE's are on the block! 

 

 

 

3.)

#7 Dickhead (3-2) 121.84 pts

Dicks over

# 9 Cruzin All the Way (1-4)

 

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

The answer is 5!

 

 

 

 

It took 5 weeks until the team formally known as The Bitches will be referred to simply as Dickhead.  That's a new Sacko Bowl world record!

 

 

Welcome to this week's edition "Whose in Ed's (metaphorical) Butt Hole?"  This week stars Stephen Gostkowski who really gave Ed's butt a good going over on Sunday Night Football. 

 

This was Ed after Sunday Night Football:

 

 

 

 

Ed is starting to get pretty sour at all of you cisgenders judging him after his dick flew off.  Well Ed, let's look on the bright side here.  There is a matchup next week with another team that deals with weeks and weeks of late game excitement turned Tuesday morning rejection against Victorious Secret:

 

 

 

 

Maybe it is a good time to start looking forward to next year when you can keep the

 

Wheelin'

 

Dealin'

 

Jabroni Beatin'

 

Pie Eatin'

 

7th Round Keepin'

 

TRAVISSSS KELCEEEEE WOOOOOOO!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.)

#5 Beats by Ray (3-2) 106.24 pts

grounds

#3 The Butt Fumblers (4-1) 99.02 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well this match proves it.  Wirty is human yet again!  This week represented two things for Wirty.  Goodbye to the chances of the Jets having a worthwhile season and goodbye to the Butt Fumblers having an undefeated season. 

 

 

 

 

You brought this on yourself for spot starting a QB vs the Jets and having satan incarnate as a bench QB. . . Sell Out!

 

 

 

 

Don't get me wrong, this was a big win for BBR.  However, there is one glaring issue to take note of for this team. . .

 

 

Lesean left . . .

 

Lesean Right . . .

 

 

 

 

 

. . . anddd the #1 pick of the draft fumbles the ball and finishes with less than 10 pts again!

 

 

 

 

 

and now your main event of the week . . . you saw this one coming:

 

 

 

 

1.)

#6 Twatty (3-2) 100.66 pts

flags for offensive pass interference:

#12 Larry Villains (0-5) 93.28 pts

 

 

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

 

The 7 point differential does not tell the true story of how close this one really was.  Larry Villains cannot do anything right these days.  Trailing 7 points by Monday Night Football, all they needed was one simple game changing play,  Well Percy Harvin supplied three of them.  3 plays resulting in 0 points!  Good thing Watts was watching the game at Buffalo Wild Wings and hit the secret "Throw the Flag" button under the lard grease soaked tables.  And good thing for totally original jokes (insert middle finger emoji that won't work here).

 

 

 

 

 

Now lets take care of some business: 

 

 

#8 = Larry Villains.

 

 

 

 

Sorry Watts, I have been slacking on the fat boy slices.  Just because Josh isn't in the league anymore does not mean that we shouldn't be chubby chasing . . .

 

 

 

 

FATBOY SLICE!!!!!!!!

 

 

 



 

 

 

Now that this biz-nitch is out of the way. . .

 

It's time to celebrate a big Twatty win!

 

Grab your bros,

 

Pop some Molly,

 

Baby oil lube your self up,

 

It's time to party,

 

Let's get weird!!!!!!!