Week 7 Recap

Just when you are ready to pack it in and trade your team looking forward to next year, please don't forget, the Sacko Bowl is a real thing and you really don't want any of it.  A friendly reminder from a previous recap:

Don't forget, there are  few minor added stipulations.  The champ has immunity from being a beer bitch and buying beer.  The Sacko loser has reverse immunity meaning they have to buy beer with the losing team and they are a beer bitch even if their team wins (on top of having to get all the name plates this year) so the moral of the story is, DO NOT LOSE THE SACKO BOWL!!!  At least you get to bring home a sweeeeet 7 ft tall trophy, just ask Vicky and little Tea- Bag!

High Score:

Reverse Cow Girls

156.2 pts

Sacko Civil War:

Skipler- 4,452.3 pts

Sacko- 4,461.5 pts

Fireman Ed Photoshops!!!

I am going to keep this one short this week because there is a special treat for everyone at the end.  Old man Dickhead took initiative when I brought up the old man rant corner.  Even I haven't read it yet.  I told him I would wait until the end so that I did not use the recap as means of immediate revenge.

I'm a regular fuckin sweetheart.

6.)#3 Reverse Cow Girls (5-2) 156.2 pts

#12 Just Chill (1-6) 114.6 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

LOL @ Larry, he's worse than Ed!

Wah wah wahhh.  I'm so good in every fantasy league but I'm 1 and 5 and in last place in your league Sope.  Talk of other leagues is blasphemy.  You're either Sack- In or your Sack- Out.  

Ed did do something right this season, his 1st round Sacko Draft choice Taco took home another High Score!

This one was just inappropriate.  I bet JE didn't even get AFFIRMATIVE CONSENT.

5.) #8 Beats By Ray (3-4) 113.3 pts

#9 Skipler (3-4) 94.4 pts

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 Any W vs Skipler is a good W in my book.  Tommy's team has been on fire lately, as if they are a barn that just will not stop burning.  They are doing so good and need to slow it down right now, so you know what that means. . . Time to talk good about them!

Devonta Freeman, the #1 pickup of the year, how could he ever slow down?  You don't have to look far to find the 2nd best pickup of the season, Dion Lewis, look at him go contributing 20 pts so far in the 3rd quarter directly to Tommy's bench.  BBR is on fire and proving the haters wrong!!!

4.) #6 The Butt Fumblers (3-4) 90.6 pts

#7 Run n Hyde (4-3) 79.3 pts

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

Weeks is just wishing this season ended a couple weeks ago.  I picture that every time he looks at his phone/ Ipad/ neighborhood library desktop computer to see how his team is doing he just shakes his head "oh goddammit" over and over again. 

Weeks is this year's "Waiver Wire Wonder":

3.) #1 Polk High Panthers (5-2) 116.7 pts

#9 Dickhead (2-5) 104.0 pts

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

Whelp, someone finally fell for Dickhead's Ponzi / Pyramid scheme trade.  Raise your hand if you knew it would be Ed (all hands raise).  Good thing your Daddy, the commissioner, was there to bail you out, now come suck on bitty!

There is a revolving door at #1.  That Fern, he needs to slow down as well.  Trying to stop his freight train of a team is like trying to tackle Gronk but his Gronk junk alone:

Here is a "Blackniss" Celebration to honor another loss for EJ:

2.) #4 Gwatty (5-2) 97.3 pts 

#11 Ed Fartassian (1-6) 92.7 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

Gwatts with yet another sub- 100 point victory, how do these R- Tards do it?  Best move of Gwatty's whole season?  Keeping Edelman for a 5th round pick.

Meanwhile, Ed seems to be on a collision course to meet Larry in the Sacko Bowl for the 2nd year in a row.  

This ball = Dez Bryant and I am the Eagle's player:

The next question I have, is what prospects do you want for Amari Cooper?

I am going to start a weekly "Julian Edelman Rag Doll" section because every week I can probably find a GIF where Julian Edleman, well, you know. . . 

1.) #2 Victorious Secret (5-3) 105.7 pts

#5 Sope Pro (4-3) 101.9 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

You had to know that was coming!  It's the 1 year anniversary since Ed met Balls!  

I will be humble for a second, I do deserve the R- Tard of the year award handed down from Paul- Wall, to Joe Stank, to Byron Sope.  I thought it would look so super cool if I beat Holly while preserving my studly # 1 ranked kicker.  Holly, you're fucking welcome.

Ok, no more wasting time.  This better be good . . .

Old Man Rant Corner

Ed Dumbassian

How can you keep the #1 player on your bench thru the 1^st 7 weeks while he heals only to trade him on the eve of his return for 2 middling shit players that only the so called Commish deemed as a great trade.  Ed Douchebaggians is far worse than an alleged “Tacogate”, we all got offered those two nothing mid-season second hand waiver wire pickups for our best players but apparently shit does roll up hill as Ed Areyoueventryingians pulled the trigger on what has to be the stupidest move ever in Sacko history…..next to actually picking Dez with the number one pick….or trading Charles the number one pick last year …..and guess who received that number one pick?.   I’m calling Shennagians.

It just goes to show that Ed Likestheballsagain

How the commissioner proposes trades

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDXSXkYoM5Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8geLnpGmQAQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRu3GQ2ZpGo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdLq68m2G_o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq3wgubM5Nc

Nailed it….why Millennials suck

 

Week 6 Recap

Working together to create a completely Shameless America

It's about time you all stop R- Tard shaming Chuck Pagano for this play.

Well, if you have not noticed, I have been kind of rushing the recap.  The intros have been better than the match up recaps.  I'm in a mid- season lull and already used my Bye- week, goddammit.  To make things worse, I am down a Photo- shopper and proof reader tonight and I did not have a chance to start typing until after Thursday Night Football kicked off, woe is fucking- me.  So, I am asking for your help to get me back on track next week.  I am debuting two new segments.

First off, we have The Fireman Ed Photoshop Contest!  You hate him, I hate him, let's make him look like a giant dick with balls/ giant scrotum/ magical fairy/ butthole. . . the possibilities are endless.  

I will buy the winner a beer next time I go out drinking with them and you will earn unlimited street cred through your peers.

Second idea, the Old Man Ranting Corner.  This was an old man's idea a few weeks ago but I will open it up to everyone.  Text me or email me ( bsope316@gmail.com ).  My thoughts are, this will realistically go two ways so we will keep it to that theme:

1- EJ  rants and raves and carries on about "Fuckin Millenials" and how everyone is a pussy and won't trade him for his second harvest and about how "in my day if you couldn't get a boner you would just mash it in because we didn't have Cialis wahhhh" as if that is everyone else's problem and not just his! 

2- Everyone else rants about how much of a Dickhead EJ is and how he has become a pussy in his old age (being the voice of reason and telling Full Bill he has to calm down? 

C'MON MAN!)

Sacko Civil War!

Team Skipler: 3,836.1 pts

- Skipler

- EJ Dickhead

- Fern

- Tommy 

- Dark Cloud Wirty

- Gwatty

Team Sacko: 3,811.1 pts

- Ed Fartassian

- JE Red Hulk

- Bhope

- Holly

- Once a year Weeks

- Larry Villains

Lead change! (for those keeping track)  Mostly due to:

Weekly High Scorer!

Beats By Ray 

163.6 pts

(wtf, I put up 153 + pts and didn't get HS!? double- hamburgers.)

6.) #9 Beats By Ray (2-4) 163.6 pts > #5 Run and Hyde (4-2) 75.4 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Whelp, high scores make for boring match ups says Good Ol' JR. Especially when you more than double your opponent's score.  Come on Weeks!!! You got beat like a government mule, consider that mud hole stomped dry.  Your team looks like one giant mud hole.  As in Josh- sized mud hole, as in try getting that god- awful image out of your head!  Fuckin JR.  That's a good way to get your mojo back, talk about 400 lb poopy buttholes!  That'll really get the crowd going. (don't worry Weeks if history holds true, you'll have some sweet performances this week coming up)

On the other side of the match up, what the fuck does it take for Tommy D to actually win a game?  163.6.  The correct answer is, it takes 163.6 points for Tommy D to win a game.

It might be time to consider a a QB change Weeks . . .

Too bad big dumb Frankenstein blocks do not equal Fantasy Points.

(This GIF co- starring Ed's new prime time playa RB, Go Ed!)

5.) #3 Polk High Panthers (4-2) 117.1 pts > 

#11 Ed Fartassian (1-5)77.6 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

The good news for Polk High is that they won and are 4-2.  The bad news, half the league is also 4-2.  How can he display his domiñance (Cesar Milan accent) when everyone else keeps winning!?

The bad news for Ed is that he lost.  The other bad news is that he looks like he is headed for a Sacko Rematch vs The Hairy Larrys (that name is still real to me dammit!)  Good thing someone actually has some balls and was willing to trade a big time Yo- Anus Cespedes Player (the 1st pick of the draft, Dez Buttahs Bryant) for some future prospects and cash consideration (you didn't hear that last part, move along, nothing to see here).

4.) #1 Sope Pro (4-2) 153.5 pts >

#7 The Butt Fumblers (3-3) 118.1 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

In this week's edition of THE NFL DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THEIR OWN FUCKING RULES, this was a TD Catch (for Wirty's bench I may add):

Sope Pro already looking forward to this upcoming week's annual Divorce Party match up.  Is he confident enough and will he let them sway hard enough to face off against Victorious Secret while starting a Kicker that is on bye for the sake of preserving said #1 ranked Kicker and studly bench prospects that he just can't bare to drop?  You'll have to wait til Sunday to find out.  Will he keep shamelessly speaking in Third Person?  You bet your sweet ass he will!

Who needs to take a WR In the top 30 picks?  Sope Pro doesn't.

My apologies, but it was a big week for Sope Pro's team in the GIF recap world:

Things could be worse for Wirty as he goes from a top ranked team to falling down below the 4-2 cluster- fuck.  He could have lost AND THEN for some crazy insane in the membrane reason dropped Andrew Luck's #1 target (look it up) to a salivating Sope Pro, who was patiently waiting, even stalking, like a fantasy football sexual predator with waiver wire priority spot #1.  Oh wait, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.  You may think this is typical Byron Sope commissioner propaganda, but I am now entertaining all offers!  My boy Donte MonCrief is worth an 8th rounder to keep next year and I'll even give him back to you for a discount Wirty (;

3.) #4 Reverse Cow Girls (4-2) 117.2 pts > #8 Skipler (3-3) 97.7 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

The Shenanigans bowl was a quiet one this time around.  But don't look away just yet.  In true Bellicheckian manner **Defending Champ Skipler tries to keep his name out of the head lines.  He's too smart to pull a, "whoops Johnny E added and started Tono Romo because he didn't realize his collar bone is still broken".  Skipler is too smart for that, and he knows it would be too easy of a witch hunt.  Keep an eye out though, it is only a matter of time before Antonio Brown make his way to Skipler's team in exchange for some "super sleepers".

As for Johnny Taco Enoksen, I know how this recap comes across during the old dude's once- a- week, day drinking, Friday siestas.  I spend all recap roster shaming Taco's team when they lose (and most of the time when they win too) but Skip goes through the recap and compiles only the positive comments:

" See Johnny, you put up a lot of points this week and, oh look! the commissioner even posted a picture of the stunning dogs you breed.  He must be a fan and is surely not insinuating that you fuck your own dogs to breed them in order to give them their signature gingery Red Hulk dog complexion."  

Skip is helping Johnny create his own Safe- Space that is safe from all fantasy bullies.  This plan will work as long as you keep pesky Reality out!

#ShamelessTaco 

2.) #10 Dickhead (2-4) 113.0 pts > 12 Just Chill (1-5) 91.4 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Ohhhhhh Larry, Larry, Larry.  You done fucked up this week:

There goes 23 points contributed directly to your bench!

I can't talk too bad about Larry's team though, because benefiting Dickhead's team is like Shitting in the shower.  Then you try and mash it down the drain.  It then becomes just a really smelly mess until you get the Shit Spatula out to help.  No, I am not really getting at anything here.  I just wanted to compare Dickhead's team to a disgusting shitty shower.

1.) #2 Victorious Secret (4-2) 106.3 pts > #6 Gwatty (4-2) 99.0 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

Can't win them all scoring under 100 pts Gwatts.  

Should this be a pick or fumble.  Obv, its a pick but didn't matter for the Ambiguously Gay Fantasy Bros. . . NEGATIVE POINTS!

It was not a tough job to figure out which match up was this week's main event.  In fact, it would be a tougher job to figure out who had the better on- air hot- mic fart of this young NFL season.

Seriously though, that one isn't very tough to figure out either.  See and hear for yourselves!

(that's your head coach there Week's be proud!)

Somehow, a sloppy high- fiber/ greasy sausage/ deep dish/ DA BEARS Ditka fart was not the most offensive thing caught on NFL cameras this week:

Goodnight and don't forget, Donte ManQueef if on the block!!!!!

Week 5 Recap!!!!!

(currently voted 5 out of 5 stars on YELP!)

Sacko Civil War Update:

Team Skipler: 2,484.3 pts

Team Sacko: 2,574.4 pts

High Scorers week 4 + 5

Week 4: Butt Fumblers- 133.9 pts

Week 5: Polk High Panthers- 142.3 pts

After an early bye week last recap and the (fake) passing of first ballot binge drinking world champion(notice, no asterisks there, I'm looking at you Skipler!) Full Bill.  I hereby announce that this week be known as:

The Buffalo Full Bills Week

For each recap I will add a short video of a Full Bill moment outside of Ralph Wilson Stadium during a tailgate.  Mind you, these are videos from home games so far AS IN this season AS IN only 3 games so far.  Full Bill would be proud rest his soul.

Here is an example:

Right now 1/2 the league is 3-2.  The top 2 teams at 4-1 have lower scores than 5 out of 6 3-2 teams.  The bottom 1/4 of the league is currently two games away from being in the top 8!

6.) #11 Just Chill (1-4) 77.6pts Juggles Chodes against

#4 Polk High Panthers (3-2) 142.3 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

This one was very boring so I am going to fill the void with the sickest trick play from the past 2 weeks from the Jared Fogle Fantasy Football league.  Also, I really, really want to stop typing so that I can watch the goddamn Mets game. Do yourself a favor and stop watching at 30 secs, you'll get the point.

My name is Rian, I ride me bicycleta to skewl!!!  Ok, so we don't have a sweet Odell catch, but . . . I can't show you the white guy equivalent to OBJYN's signature catch:

Well, at least Larry has this going for him:

Oops!!!  Wrong clip.  It turns out Larry has absolutely nothing going for him.  My bad bro.  

5.)#6 The Butt Fumblers (3-2) 76.9 pts gets shit served from

#2 Gwatty (4-1) 115.7 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

What's up Watts, Gary's Ass gotchya tongue?

The Gwatty luck streak continues OUT OF NOWHERE!!  

4.) #9 Skiplers Saggy Eds (1-4) 101.4 pts <

#3 Victorious Secret (3-2) 116.9 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

(so close)

Remember the last recap where I started talking bad about Holly's players as a science experiment to see if they would perform better the way Fern's and Wirty's did after the week 1 and 2 recap?  Well she is 2-0 since then.  Who needs the extra boost next?  You give me the five stars on YELP and I am sure we can work something out.

That Holly, she is Stunning and Brave (please, no one blow up my spot here).

3.) #8 Reverse Cow Girls (3-2) 85.7 pts sips the shit of

#1 Run and Hyde (4-1) 97.3 pts

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

I've heard whispers of some teams looking to participate in Shennanigans.  As your ethical and rule- abiding commissioner, I must, at the very least, make a statement on said potential Shenanigans: 

"What the fuck are you waiting for?"

Don't look now, but Mike Weeks is #1

2.) #9 Beats By Ray (1-4) 126.2 pts Chugs Chode against

#5 Sope Pro (3-2) 136.4 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

Watch John Brown get a flag for being too fly.  Those refs must be Republicans.  

Tommy's nightmare season continues.  He has already had:

1- a Win overturned on Thursday stat changes

2- lost to a girl

3- a hard luck loss to the lucky gwatts (74 pts to 77.4 pts) where Devonta Freeman had over 50% of the total team points, losing on the Calvin Johnson fumble on MNF.

4- put up 126 points and lost in a game where this was not considered a Touchdown!!???

GOD- DAMMIT

1.) #12 Dick Head (1-4) 90.7 pts takes a trip to the museum of fine farts against #6 Skipler (3-2) 91.5 pts

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

Dickhead's season so far in 1 photo:

(photo courtesy of johnnyesgingerbeastialityfarmhouse.org)

This was a rematch of last year's **Superbowl. Then you knew what happened next with the defending **Champion.  Although it was a close one, the over dog gets the expected W here.

Bonus Round:

The Buffalo Double Bills:

Double Bonus Round . . .

The Toronto Full Blue Jays:

Before:

After: