Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ball Bag of Truth

 

 

Week 7 Recap

 

 

 

 

 

Sacko Civil War Update:

 

 

Vaginas (Olds)

 

4,416.62 pts

 

 

Vs

 

 

Manginas (Youngs)

 

 

4,290.36 pts

 

 

 

I would like to start this week off by paying respect to three lost souls.  I find that it is appropriate to kick things off with a collection of eulogies for our gone, but not forgotten bretheren that have about the same chance of escaping the Sacko Bowl as Joe Stank has of touching an actual human vagina (without paying for it). . .

 

Cruzin all the Way was eliminated on Sunday the 19th of October, I know they will be greatly missed by everyone who knew and loved them.
An ass that once burned with such passion and penis that flickered for just a short while and then quietly went soft.
Lets now spend a few moments in silence and you can each remember Cruzin in your own special way, and those of you that do have a religious faith might like to use this time for your own private prayer (or burn in hell like the Atheist pagan fornicator that you are - Half Bill).


Let us be contented with what has happened to Larry Villains and be thankful for all the butt load of fantasy points we have been spared.
Let us accept the natural order of lineup choices in which we move.
Let us reconcile ourselves to the mysterious rhythm of our waiver choices; such as they must be in this world of shit- talk.
Let us treasure our super sleepers but not bewail our players suspended for domestic abuse.
The glory of victory cannot exist without 1 win or less teams.
Fantasy football as a whole, and good and the reality fucking Jets being 1 and 6 must be accepted together.
The season has been enjoyable and well worth making-----once.
Larry Villains died on Monday October 20th aged 7 weeks.
I know he will be greatly missed by everyone who knew and loved him.


So we meet here today to honor and pay tribute to The Negro Sailfish and to express our hate and overall negative feelings for them, and in doing so I hope that we can bring some form of comfort to those that actually see him more than once a year who are here, and who have been deeply hurt by his stamped ticket to the Sacko Bowl.
The catastrophe of a winless season cannot be altered, but it can be transformed by not being a complete R- Tard.
We are here to share our laughter, so I hope you will not feel ashamed or embarrassed to point and laugh openly if this is a help to make them feel even worse about not winning a single fucking game.
And perhaps you will feel glad that you took the opportunity to win some of your blowout games at the expense of The Negro Sailfish along with those who have played Negro Sailfish, in the first 7 weeks of the season.


Now that we have mourned the loss of three teams that we knew since draft day that their days were numbered, and I have you feeling all nice and somber, I would like to bring up a new charity that we here at the Sacko Bowl are starting.  Most of you might not know, but a member of our Sacko family was in the hospital this week.  So I present to you:

Ed's Guts Foundation

 



 

(Cue the sad homeless and beaten puppies commercial song)

 

 

 

For your donation of $5, you will get a brown Scause bracelet.  The donation will go straight toward purchasing a giant bottle of industrial strength Pepto Bismol so we can keep our boy out of the ER!

 

 

 

6.)

#12 Negro Sailfish (0-7) 86.70 pts

get Demaryiused by

#8 Victorious Secret (3-4) 109.26 pts

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

The Demaryius Thomas show continues this week against the Negro Sailfish who really lost this season before it even started and was all tangled up from the get- go.

 

 

 

(Scissor me Carson!!)

 

 

At this point, Victorious Secret has to pray at least 50 Hail- Sackos a week if she wants to make the real playoffs.  It has been one Steve Smith scrap match after another so far this season for VS:

 

 

 

 

5.)

#10 Cruzin all the Way (1-6) 77.84 pts

gets brown- housed vs

#11 Larry Villains (1-6) 94.20 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 (sympathy) Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The good news for Larry Villains:  they won a game!

 

 

The bad news for Larry Villains:   it's week 8 now!

 

 

Not for nothing, newly acquired Cruzin players that are traded from Sope Productions tend to be the best performers on Ed's team out of the gate.  That is, before they inevitably crap out for the sole reason of being associated with Cruzin all the Way.  Larry Villains winning a game with a lineup like that is wrong.  Even more wrong than ejecting a player for giving an NFL referee a friendly T's up for doing a great job:

 

 

 

In other news, Cruzin joins the Bishop Sankey FF Eskimo Brother Frenzy!!!

 

 

 

 

 

4.)

#6 Polk High Panthers (4-3) 88.42 pts

Pulls a Josh against

#4 The Butt Fumblers (5-2) 101.20 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Polk High is miraculously still in Playoff position after a major Skipler loss, but I will get to that one later.  Fern called it before it happened this week as three bench players scored over 14 pts each and 3 starting players scored under 8 points (2 of them under 4pts . . .ouch).  For this matchup, it was advantage = old men as waking up before 2 pm saved the day for the Butt Fumblers.  The Butt Fumblers are doing their best anti- rain dance as Wirty is doing the best he can to shoo the dark clouds away.  And here is some ketchup being poured on Randall Cobb during a Lambeau Leap:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.)

#9 Twatty (3-4) 93.22 pts

gets a wakeup call from

#2 The Reverse Cowgirls (6-1) 108.52 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 













 

 

 

Welllllcommeeeee to Taco- Maniaaaaa!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

This week featured Team Effort Taco (JE) vs Taco in Training (Watts).  The Cow Girls win and Sope Pro's loss makes for a major main event next week in the battle for Sacko Supremacy (1st place). 

 

 

Twatty might have had a pretty bad week but at least it wasn't as bad as Giovanni Bernard's . . .

 

 

 

 

(2 different plays on the same drive!)

 

 

While we are on the topic, at least Watt's week was not as bad as this lady's either:

 

 

 

 

 

2.)

#7 Skipler (3-4) 108.62 pts

gets blitzkriegged by

#5 Dickhead (5-2) 117.78 pts

 

 

JR Says:  2 Barn Burners!

 



 

 

 



Somehow Skipler is on the outside looking in on the real playoff scene.  I for one would find it hilarious if the league's highest scorer finds themselves in thick of a Sacko Playoff run (more like tumble).  Too bad for Skipler, I could not just show this next GIF and say how easy things looked for his team:

 

 

 

 

I wonder what player (or sexual favor) EJ traded Skip in order to have this W giftwrapped.  I can't talk too much smack, because for this one week each year EJ= the good guys.   I personally am cheering for every team that plays against Skipler a la the 2006 Patriots (minus the ALMOST perfect record). 

 

 

If the previous matchup was Taco Mania, then this one was the Shennanigans Bowl . . .

 

 

 

 

#BEEFBABY

 

 

 

 

The main event previewed last week just so happens to be the main event being recapped tonight . . .

 

 

 

1.)

#1 Sope Pro (6-1) 101.64 pts

gets his Barn Burned by

#3 Beats by Ray (5-2) 104.72 pts

 

 

 

JR Says:  3 Barn Burners ! (This one was close to setting off the JR stroke- face alarm)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sope Pro loses to BBR and their stupid WR corps.  Here is a fun fact for Tommy after trying to veto last weeks trade:  If the trade was voted against, Sope Pro would have started Andre Johnson instead of DeAndre Hopkins who each had just about the same points.  Sope Pro would have started Forsett instead of Reggie Bush, who scored 4 more points and would have given Sope Pro the win. 

 

I do not see a better way to explain how crazy this matchup was on Monday night then to give you a play by play . . .

 

 

Going into the match it is Sope Pro with Houston WR Hopkins and Pittsburgh's Kicker vs BBR's Arian Foster and + 12 points.

 

Arian Foster starts running wild - No!

 

Houston falls behind and starts throwing the ball and Pittsburgh kicks a few field goals and extra points - Yes!

 

Fast Forward to the 4th quarter towards the end of the game . . .

 

Hopkins catches a big pass, Sope up!  Yes!

 

He fumbles the ball while running.  BBR Up No!

 



 

Steeler's kicker hits a 40 yd field goal.  Sope Up!  Yes!

 

Arian Foster catches the ball and runs with it.  BBR up! No!

 

Hopkins catches the Ball. Sope Up! Yes!

 

He picks up some serious yardage.  Yes!

 

He gets tackled at the 1.  Nooooooooooo!

(look closlier, top right)

 

Foster lines up to run it at the one.  QB goes to sneak it.  Yes!

 

False start on Polamalu.  Half the distance to the goal on the 6 inch. Nooooo!

 

Foster lines up for a 1/2 yd carry.  Nooooo!!!!

 

Playaction pass.  Yessss!!!

 

They throw it to Foster.  Noooooo!!!!

 

He bobbles it before the goal line.   Yessss!!!!

 

He catches it and scores a TD.  No No Goddammit Noooo!!!

 

 

 

 

Houston goes for an onside kick.  Whatever.

 

The ball is loose and there is a scrum for it.  Yes!

 

Steelers recover, game over.  Fuck everyone!









 

 











 







 

 

Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ball Bag of Truth

 

 

Week 6 Recap

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wanted to start this week by making a public apology.  I, your commissioner, am truly sorry.  Sorry that I reported falsified information and mislead you by calling Johnny E a Swede when he is truly the Norwiegey that we all know and love.  To make amends, I am dedicating this entire recap to Johnny E and Norway.  The week 6 Recap is now officially JE Appreciation Week!

 

 

Sacko Civil War Update:

 

 

JE's Team (Olds)

 

 

3,800.58 pts

 

 

Vs

 

 

 

Not JE's Team (Youngs)

 

 

 

 

3,714.36 pts

 

 

 

 

I also wanted to wish everyone a happy and healthy Breast Awareness Month! 

 

 

There's only a few more guitar licks left in Rocktober you guys!!!

 

 

 

 

6.)

#7 Skipler (3-3) 138.28 pts

teposers

#5 Polk High Panthers (4-2) 67.24 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

Skipler, now that is a name change I approve of.  Skipler leads his Third Reich right over the Poland High Panthers.  Three strong weeks in a row and still technically out of the money.  I have a feeling that I am going to have to prepare some holocaust and Nazi jokes in advance for the coming Recaps.  We might have to pull some league wide collusion to become the Allied Forces against Skipler and Dickhead's (and JE by default) access of evil.  Judging by how bad Polk High got Anne Franked this week, the Sacko Civil War might escalate to a Sacko Civil War 2 (the first one was 9/12's of the league vs Trollsdorf).  For Skipler, things are looking too easy right now:

 

 

 

As for PHP's, things are looking pretty bleak for a team that is currently in the money.  Points are fading fast over there.  These are some valuable points that are being missed out on that will surely come back to haunt based on how close spots #3- #8 look six weeks in.  These are also some valuable points that will come back to haunt me as I expect to be the Sacko Civil War's Inaugural Beer Bitch draft's version of Lesean McCoy.  We'll Skipler may have one of the best fantasy teams in a three week span and we may have one of the worst NFL teams in a 5 week span (effin Jets) but we can always rejoice in this for comfort:

 

 

 

#LOLPHINS

(Skipler is a huge Miami fan)

 

 

 

 

JE FUN FACT #1:

 

 

Johnny E "Backed that Ass Up" ever since day one, when he was born a Breech Baby.  Bewildered by what that means?  I got your back:

 

 

 

 

Still confused about how he was born?  Well picture this, way back when in 1964 our young JE came out just like a little human turd.  AND HERE IS A VISUAL:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.)

#3 Beats By Ray (4-2) 146.32 pts

analt trer 's

#8 Twatty (3-3) 84.44pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

Twatty's season long power nap continues as his team of white boy bro's (Unsurprisingly) fails him again.  What do you mean old Wes Welker and regular Brian Hartline combined for only 1.3 pts this week, that's shocking . . . said no one ever.

 

 

 

 

Beats By Ray is now the Two- Time! Two- Time! Sacko Bowl High Score Champion of the World (Week).  This one may not have been that close, but things will get much tighter as there is a potential slobber knocker on the table next week for BBR, but I'll get to that later.

 

 

As for Watts, it's time to wake up and pay attention, because HOCKEY SEASON STARTED THIS WEEK:

 

 



 

 

 

 

JE FUN FACT #2

 

 

Johnny E failed blocks.  You read that right.  Young JE could only speak Norwegian (I wonder what he thinks of all the matchup verbs this week) and had a difficult time in kindergarten.  It was a combination of lacking motor skills and being the weird foreign kid in class that made JE stray from his full potential in school.  He was held back a grade in lieu of Special Ed and the rest is history.  He befriended the other old men from the league and was even introduced to his wife by our resident Dickhead EJ.  If it wasn't for JE's inability to stack one block on top of the other, you would not even be reading this recap based on him!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.)

#1 Sope Pro (5-0) 126.50 pts

skyter laste på 



#12 Larry Villains (0-6) 86.62pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

That one played out exactly how you would expect First vs Worst would.  It's not too late to start stacking up those week 15/16 sleepers and to trade for some guys who will help you regroup next year **AHEM AHEM.  I have no problem giving into your advice whore ways.  I'll creampie your mind with ideas! 

 

At this point, Larry Villains just looks lost:

 

 

 

 

And I'll keep the Larry shaming weekly GIF topical this time.  Larry = the Jacksonville Jaguar bowling pin players trying to tackle Bishop Sankey:

 

 

 

Let's look ahead to next week as we have a Sacko Mania Main Event on the cards:

 

Fellow Two- Time Two- Time Weekly High Scorers collide as #1 Sope Pro faces off against # 3 Beats By Ray.  Let's hope that for Sope Pro's sake, Lesean Mc Coy and Darren Sproles do not show up . . .

OH WAIT!?

 

 

 

 

JE FUN FACT #3

 

 

JE's biggest strength?  His gigantic Norwegian forehead.  True fact, his oversized protruding forehead ledge and bushy ginger eyebrows makes it impossible for his eyes to get wet in the rain.  Here is a JE life hack for you to use:  When navigating through a crowd or mosh pit, just tail behind JE.  Give him a pinch on the ass and let the inner Norwegian rage take over as he clears as path through any sea of humanity.  Men, women, children, elderly, babies . . . it doesn't matter, JE will tuck his head and run right through.  JE's biggest weakness?  This will surprise no one:

 

 

 

 

 

3.)

#6 Dickhead (4-2)  102.7 pts

sekk kraner

 #11 The Negro Sailfish (0-6) 80.36 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

The Negro Sailfish faced off against the Ferguson Police Department this week, and, you can see how that worked out.  The Sailfish currently has the same percentage chance of making the (actual) playoffs this year as Josh has to escape Diabetes.  Much like those dirty Man Boobs, his chances are not looking so good.

 

 

We should all vote and allow a one- time act of collusion for sympathy's sake.  .  . I say we let Larry and Weeks combine teams to make one giant awful (but not as awful) team.  I feel this will increase the parity in the league and hopefully avoid having both a 0-13 and a 1-12 team in the league this year.  I say 1 and 12 because Larry Villains and Negro Sailfish have to play each other eventually.  

 

EJ gets off easy this week (other than being referred to as Dick Head, but he earned that moniker) since he helped with the JE Fun Facts and because, I likes to keep my Bitches hydrated:

 

 

 

 

 

JE Fun Fact #4

 

 

JE does not wear shorts.  His legs are so white that the sun once reflected off of them, temporarily blinding a nearby driver and causing a 6 car pile up.  8 people died that day, 9 if you count one passenger who was pregnant.  Since that day, it has been all jeans all the time no matter how muggy the swamp ass. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.)

#2 The Reverse Cow Girls (5-1) 119.16 pts

Johnny E's

#4 The Butt Fumblers (4-2) 109.72 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

2 Barn Burners because:

1.) We need as many Barn Burners as we can get this week.

2.) Johnny E!!!!!

 

 

Don't look now, but the Butt Fumblers are officially on a losing streak.  I think he is starting to get jealous about all the negative press on Villains and Negro.  He wants to be back in the mix of things.  Don't worry Wirty, there are still 7 weeks you can lose!

 

In all truth, we are not here to talk about the negative outlook of the Butt Fumbler's season after this loss.  We are here to honor the secret father of Johnny De.  YOU'RE NUMBER 2!!!! YOU'RE NUMBER 2!!!!

 

For the sake of staying on the bright side, JE will be able to avoid the annual late season collapse that comes with the territory of drafting only Dallas players.

 



 

 



 

 

JE Fun Fact(s) #5

 

 



Penguins were once introduced in Norway. One of them was promptly shot by a Norwegian matron who claimed it was a freak of nature that had invaded her yard.

 

In 2011, Norway went through a nationwide butter shortage, where smugglers would often get caught smuggling butter and online auctions for one packet of butter reached as high as $77.

 

Dying is illegal in Longyearbyen, Norway because the town’s small graveyard stopped accepting bodies after discovering the permafrost prevented the bodies from decomposing. 

 

Last year, the Norwegian police only fired a gun in one occasion. In 2007, not a single shot was fired.

 

Norway knighted a Penguin.

 

In Norway, Major attractions include the fjords, and Norwegian girls, you may also attend a black metal concert. These are strange conventions in which members of groups dress up in their traditional folkloric costume and sing jolly folk songs. People pay money to stand up for four hours, have their ears bleed, and be bruised by a group of men fucking each other aggressively.

 

 

Main event time . . . Finallyyyy . . .

 

 

1.)

#9 Victorious Secret (2-4) 94.60 pts

tar en bæsj på i en visning av komplett dominans

#10 Cruzin all the Way (1-5)88.12 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

 

Lowest point matchup as the Main Event whattt?  And on Johnny E appreciation week, c'mon man. . . Well this matchup was this year's desperation bowl.  Cruzin's chances of success go from slim to none, while Victoious Secret's go from slim to slightly less slim.  This loss supplants Ed as our league's rendition of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!  

 

 

Times are tough when JJ Watt is your best fantasy football player and we do not even score Individual Defense Players.

 

 

At least your starting QB does have some hidden talents:

 

http://deadspin.com/ronde-barber-lauds-andy-daltons-ability-to-suck-off-2-1645584925

 

 

 

 

 

 



Ahhh, why am I stalling.  I know you cannot wait for the JE FUN FACT GRAND FINALE!  After leading a team of investigators last week, I was determined to get to the bottom of Johnny E's international seed spreading.  Millions of DNA tests were taken and EJ and myself have come up with a decisive list and we are breaking world news here tonight with:

 

JOHNNY E'S FAMILY TREE OF INTERNATIONAL SEED SPREADING: