Week 8 Recap " Balls and Halloweiners"

 

Week 8 Recap:

 

 

"Balls and Halloweiners"

 

 

 

 

 

 Well to start, that was an awesome week for Barn Burning but also a very very shitty week at the same time, goddammit.  Feeling very "Butt sore" at the moment.

 

 

 

 

 

Now. An R Tard Halloween costume contest:

 

"2nd and not the last Randy Marsch reference already whaaaat!?"

 

"Fuck you, I had to make one football related"

 

"If you are over 35 (or not a future Juvenile Sex Offender)you may not get this one"

 

"The Day is Mine!"

 

"Quad BlackFace: 4x the Raycessum!"

Your Winners!!!:

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.) #7 Victorious Secret (4-4) 132.64 pts drops

#10 Coming to you Live (2-6) 101.18 pts.

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

Not a very exciting one, but VS gets a much needed High Score W.  Lets keep things moving with the Halloweiner theme:

 

Picture this:

 

      Tolsdorf has been having a hard time sleeping at night because he keeps dealing with re- occurring nightmares.  It starts off as he rolls over in bed.  He hears "Click Clack Click Clack" getting closer.  Moving slowly but definitely ,definitely getting closer.  A shadowy figure appears that he just can't make out.  He hears: "Trolls- Dorf. . . Come out to playyyy ayyyy!"  The figure leans in and he can make out the face of none other than Christopher Wirth (Butt Fumblers).  He holds out his hand revealing that the click clack is coming from a pair of Sacko Balls dangling in one hand.  Wirty reaches out handing over one set of the silvery metallic balls.  "THESE ARE FOR YOU HAHAHAHAHAHA!" 

      That's when Tolsdorf wakes up in cold sweat.  He is so seriously super happy that the horrible encounter is over.

 

 

BUT HERE COMES THE M NIGHT SHAMALAMALAM TWIST!!!!!

 

 

     Tolsdorf rolls over to his other side and sees his computer screen.  Another week of being on the receiving end of "Yahoo's Toyota Tundra Blow Out of the Week"!  IT turns out it was not a dream and in fact reality sinking in.  The silver balls are coming, Coming to Your Neck!

 

 

(Please note: if your team name is not Coming to You Live, Stage Kisses R Gay, or Twatty.  You might not find this so scary.)

 

 

Too bad the waiver wire did not come through this week.  You could have had a much more Wheelin', Dealin', Pie Eatin', Alabama Style Wife Beatin' Defense like this:

 



 

 

 

5.) #8 Cruzin All the Way (4-4) 105.06 pts Bitch Slaps

#11 Stage Kisses R Gay (2-6) 88.12 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

(Just wait, they are coming)

 

 

Based solely on points, this match up should have at least 1 Barn Burner, but R Tard Josh is the first A- Hole to really not set their lineup.  Whaaa whaaa WhaaaaaAAAaaa.   Just remember, Stage Kisses, your lineup may not have been real this week, but when the Butt Fumbler's over take you in 2 weeks time:

 

The feel of the cold Sacko metal on your neck will be all too real.  (Queue the PSYCHO shower scene music or the JAWS theme song (this one is really more of a "Choose Your Own Adventure" segment. (Either way you now have the image of Josh getting attacked by Silver Balls naked in the Shower or Getting eaten by Silver Balls in a Bikini in the Ocean.)))

 

 

I guess it is true . . . when you are a white guy some things are handed to you (this win) and sometimes making the same move is not as scrutinized as if you were a minority (like Josh and starting Jacobs as opposed to starting TY Hilton (both on Byes))

Hmmmm?  Sounds Familiar:

 

 

Who  of the 2 made Sports Center all week?

 

 



 





 

 



4.) #4 Negro Sailfish (5-3) 125.58 pts Timmy Toms

#3 Reverse Cow Girls (5-3) 109.34 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

1 Barn Burner mostly because of the head to head positional battle featured in the same game. Also, the fact that this left the teams involved ranked 3 and 4 respectively.  Dez Bryant was moseying along doing what he does:

And that is when CALVIN "HORSE COCK" JOHNSON came around dropped a 300+ yard burger and 40+ pt burger (Double Patties Bitch!) on Johnny E's beloved Cowboys and Reverse Cow Girls simultaneously!:

It is too bad that Johnny E has no idea WTF is going on.  Otherwise those 14 catches would have really hurt in live time.  This was a battle of Wide Receivers, both receiver's received, except The Reverse Cow Girls received prison style.



3.) #1 Dickhead (7-1) 124.86 pts Sack Taps
#2 Cleveland Steamers (6-2) 111.60 pts.

JR says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

This one gets 2 Barn Burner's because of the sheer weight of the match up. **Smug Randy Marsch voice: No I'm not referring to their beer guts because in that case whoever faces Stage Kisses R Gay would get 6 Barn Burners every week and JR would be all stroked out Gerald!** It was because it was 1 v 2 and they swapped spots.  Now I think we all feel the same way as the Raider's coach this week toward Dickhead so I will let him do the honors:

 

 

 

2.) #6 LRY VLNS (5-3)88.74 pts Paul Wall's

(verb. to bloody the nose of another and then ditch the said bloody party as a group) 

#9 Twatty (2-6) 88.74 pts

 

 

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

 

3 Barn Burners on the 2nd ranked matchup?? How in the what?  I kind of wanted to deduct a Barn Burner for full on personal reasons against LRY but I held back. 

Me: Hey we are doing the wrestling costume thing you want to meet up like we planned?

LRY: I can't I'm going to ANOTHER PARTY.

Fast Forward in Convo . . .

Me: What are you even dressing as?

LRY: Captain Hook.

Me: Uggh.

LRY: It's cool though because its Captain Hook from "Once Upon A Time"

Me: Uggggggh.

LRY: I can't talk and have to go.  I'm putting my eye liner on.

Me: Uggggggggggggggggggh.

A simple no would have brought you a long way you dingle berry.


LRY was lucky that Reuben Randle played dead but instead did not get back up:

Your Main Event of the Weeeekkk!!

You guessed it at this point and I have a feeling some people were watching this one as closely as I did:

1.) #12 The Butt Fumblers (1-7) 77.04 pts fucking goddamn shit fuck upsets goddammmittttt! fuccckk!
#5 Sope Productions(5-3) 73.70 pts.

JR Says:  3 Barn Burners!

The Butt Fumbler's are on the board!  Wirty looked the record books in the face and said: "Fuck You Destiny.  I Suck But Not 0 and 13 level Suck").  Fucking Injuries and bad fucking picks fuck fuck.  Fuck.  This may have been the lowest point total for a 3 Barn Burner but it came down to some shit on Monday night. 

Down 17 pts with Sope's no name RB Zac Stacy vs Butt's WR Sidney Rice this matchup was over and not that close.   BUT THEN Sidney Rice tears his ACL. . . FUCKIN SAWEEEET!.   Zac Stacy gashes the Seahwaks D on his way to 130 yards . . . OH HAWT HAWT HAWT HAWT!  Last Drive of the game.  Down by 6 pts.  BOOM- Stacy for 10 yards here, BAM- Stacy 10 yards there.  Only need 4 more pts!  Then comes the ankle sprain GAWDDAMMIT!  Rams move through the red zone with Stacy cringing on the sideline and somehow get like 20 plays from 5 yards out of the endzone.  The W that could have been.   BUTTT WAITTT!  4th and 2 with 5 seconds left and Stacy is on the goddamn fucking field WOOOOO!  Time to be a Fantasy Football Glory Boy and text the whole league at 12 am about my awesomeness.  There is however one catch before the biggest fantasy football TD celebration on my part. . . The Rams O Coordinator is Brian "Fuck Game Plans" Schottenheimer.  After 130 yards of rushing and torturous Kellen "Pencil Dick" Clemens playing at QB they call an empty backfield.  NONONONONONONONONO!  What happens next is completely predictable.  No carry.  Ugly throw.  No target for their best player.  No Catch.  No TD. Rams Lose.  I throw a Trollsdorf style Hissy Fucking Fit (not really but it did suck balls)

True Story,  Had I not have been a major asshole and benched Vick I would have won without looking back on this exact play:

Happy Halloween after a very expletive filled Recap and Trollsdorf, if your house gets egged tomorrow it wasn't me.  Wink Wink.

 





 





Week 7 Recap. . . Mid- Season Records!

Week 7 Recap

 

"Midseason Records, Kind of"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In addition to a recap, this week we are going to take a look at some notable highs and lows of various stats from the first 7 weeks of the season. 

 

 

 

- Cleveland Steamers and Dick Head are tied for the most wins this season so far with 6.  However it is Dick Head and The Reverse Cow Girls that are tied with the longest/ longest active win streak this season at 5 wins in a row.  The longest streak ever is held by Brytard (LRY VLNS)with 9 in 2011.

 

- The Butt Fumblers have already rewritten the Sacko History Books.  In 7 weeks they are 0-7 and have already taken home the all- time record for longest losing streak at 7 straight.  Times are tough for the reigning Sacko Winner.

 

- This season's largest margin of victory happened in week 7:

The Negro Sailfish beat Coming to you live by 69.78 pts.  5 points away from the all time record: The Bitches vs. stage kisses r gay - Week 7, Season 2012  74.70 pts.

 Negro Sailfish is averaging the largest average margin of victoy so far at 37.35 pts a week.  Not far behing The rcord held last year by Joe Mamas (Cleveland Steamers) at 41.21 a week. 

 

- Last week when JR flipped out and said Cruzin vs LRY was a barnburner for the ages he was not exaggerating.  The closest game so far this season and of all time was on Week 6 when Cruzin all the Way lost to LRY VLNS by 0.08 pts.  Naturally, Cruzin has the lowest average margin of defeat so far.  Losing each game by an average of 4.40 pts. . . Ouch.

 

- This stat is a true showing of how close the competition in the league is.  Coming to you Live has the toughest schedule so far, facing opponents averaging 118.36 a week (Inflated by the Negro Sailfish beat down.)  On the flip side, Cleveland Steamers has the lowest at 96.63 points averaged by opponents a week.  That means the other 10 teams not mentioned opponents are average in between 118 and 96 (only a 22 point gap for all 12 teams.) 

 

 

Quick Hitters:

 

- Most pts in a single week so far, Reverse Cow Girls 160.40. 8 pts short of the all time record.

 

- Least pts in a single week so far, you guessed it, Butt Fumblers.  52.22 in week7.  2 pts away from the all time record.

 

- Most TD's in one week so far and now all time record is held by Cruzin All the Way with 14 TD's in week 1.  Somehow in a losing effort to yours truly Sope Pro.

 

- Reverse Cow Girls has the most passing yards this season in one week with 506 yards.

 

- Sope Pro has the most rushing yards in one week so far this season with 358 yards.

 

- Negro Sailfish has the most passing yards in one week so far this season with 486 yards.

 

 

 

 

 

On to the Recaps!

 

 

 

6.) #5 Negro Sailfish (4-3) 135.80 pts beats down #10 Coming to You Live (2-5) 66.02

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

Somebody call Yolonda!  Mike Weeks is getting some points! In the aforementioned largest beat down this season Negro Sacko slaps Coming to Your Waiver wire by almost 70 pts.  The last few week's results put up by Negro Sailfish makes me question if there are PED's in play.

 

** Segway! ** 

 

Kind of like a punter making a monster hit!:

 

 

 

I knew it! I knew it!  Cheating Bastard:

 

 

I say we surprise Mike Weeks with one of these notices the day after he puts up another 130 + pts.  He is probably taking Adderall just before he sets his lineups.

 

 

5.) #3 The Reverse Cow Girls (5-2) 106.18 pts fumbles the butt of the Butt Fumblers (0-7) 52.22

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

Ouch!  Things are not looking promising for The Butt Fumblers.  Hopefully a non- vetoed trade could help things out.  When Johnny Taco looked at his matchup and saw the BF's on the other side he could not help but realize that the Jets were not the luckiest team last weekend.

 

 

Hey Belly-Check!

 



 

 

 

			.

 4.) Twatty (2-5) 110.72 pts  gets a much needed win vs #7 Victorious Secret (3-4) 87.16 pts.

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

Victorious Secret's injury plagued free fall continues.  Good thing next year looks promising as she has Justin Blackmon on her roster who was taken in the 14th round.  What an R-Tard whoever dropped him is.  He should drop you:

 

 

 

 

 

3.)#2 Dickhead (6-1) 120.76 pts tea bags #6 LRY VLNS (4-3) 87.20 pts

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burner!

 

(3rd best matchup and still no BB's !?  Bah Gawd you guys suck!)

 

This helps set up a monster matchup next week where Dickhead faces Cleveland in a battle of 6 and 1's.  I was going to change my team name to "Who Does All of Your Heavy Lifting Because They are Tougher and Has One More Knee Than You?" but unfortunately Yahoo said that I exceeded the maximum amount of characters for a team name.  Oh well.  Whenever a team plays Dickhead, they are instantly the "Good Guys" of the week and this time YOU BLEW IT Lry Vlns!

 

 

 

 

 

2.) #1 Cleveland Steamers (6-1) 103.9 pts drops #8 Cruzin til I'm Gay! (3-4) 91.14 pts

 

JR Says: Fucking Finally, 1 Barn Burner!

 

As a collective group (more good than bad (Wirty!)), the old dudes are finally getting it!  It seems each week that Cleveland's days at the top are numbered but wins are wins.  That and the fact that Injured Brandon Jacobs started for Cruzin.  C'mon man you beat yourself this week! 

Now my Giney does not usually tingle for a regular season matchup but next week's 6-1 vs 6-1 showdown is looking to be a slobberknocker.  They will probably send out BS lineups as a show of support of same- sex marriage because we all know with Skip and EJ, if they could they would!

 

 

MAIN EVENT OF THE WEEEEEKKKSS TIMMAY!

 

1.) #4 Sope Productions (5-2) 101.00 pts takes an inside edge on #11 Stage Kisses R Gay (Number 11 now, really!?)  (2-5) 95.28 pts

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

This one was almost 3 barnburners, but Julius Thomas was wayyy more Uber than TY.  Josh knows what I am talking about.  Let Stage Kisses R Gay be an example to everyone out there of what happens when you need players but are too Puss to trade.  This is going on for 3 years now.  "Im going to do it, I'm going to do it."  Before you know it BAM! In the Sacko Bowl!  

 

 

Stage Kisses is looking to fulfill their yearly role as a Sacko Bowl Dark Horse.  Not quite the favorite (Wirty!) but definitely has a strong chance every time.

 

 

Now to make things more exciting, please do not suck.  That goes for 70 percent of you.  If you have more exciting matchups, the less creative I have to try to be.  As always, Ring My Ding and Suck My Dong!  I'm Out!

 

 

WEEK 6 RECAP

AKA

THE FUCK YOU TROLLSDORF HOUR

 

Still feeling a buzz from last night so I am going to try and make this quick even though it never works that way but there were some serious barns being burnt this week even after Facebook Repub vs Dem debates.

 

 

I think we should impeach me for a week and watch Trollsdorf (The World's Least Interesting Man) struggle to write a recap.  I'm just kidding I would never do that to you guys I could already picture how it would turn out:

 

Twatty went straight to the top, went in hot, my gawd, coming to you live, all sass, all sass, all sass, something else Watts has said in the past and is now no longer funny, etc etc . 

Now picture that 6 times and try not to rip your eyeballs out.  In other words, Trollsdorf can suck it. . .

It's about to get real High School bully up in here!

 

 

6.) Negro Sailfish (3-3) 144.78 pts beats

The Butt Fumblers (0-5) 87.36 pts

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burners

 

Holy Jeezus Christ Monkey Balls the Negro Sailfish finally made some money back from the league with this week's High Score!

"Yeah, I'm Mike Weeks!  Wooo!"

 

Let's take our weekly look at the Butt Fumbler's bench where things are falling apart at the seams:

If only The Butt Fumblers could go back in time and make that blockbuster trade.

**SEGWAY**

 

If only we could go back in time about 23 years ago and give this book to Trollsdorf's parents we might all be spared of his Douschebaggery:

 

5.) The Reverse Cow Girls (4-2)116.90 pts beats
Stage Kisses R Gay (2-4) 75.12 pts

JR says: 0 Barn Burners

B O R I N G!
Well that was a lame one and went exactly as we all figured it would so instead I am going to show you a GIF of a Fat Boy Slice TD celebration:

 

 

We all could basically see the future, RCG blows out SKRG with 0 Barn Burners blah blah.

 

** SEGWAY **

 

We can all see the future when it comes to our boy Trolls and it looks a little something like this:



 

4.) Coming to You Live (2-4) 105.31 pts beats
Twatty (1-5) 85.88 pts





 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner

 



One sympathy Barn Burner that is.  Still not a very exciting one, there is no "Unicorns! Show Ponies! Where's the Beef!  Trollsdorf's Back!"  Realistically it was a battle of two 1 win teams, one had to lose.  Twatty I think you should go back to stocking Kickers:

 

 

 

I know I left you wanting more in the Trolling of the Trollsdorf, so lets look further into his future:

 

 





 

 

 

3.) Cleveland Steamers (5-1) 114.00 pts beats

Sope Productions (4-2) 99.18 pts

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

A battle of 4 and 1's that had a lot of points on the bench.  Things were looking tight and then this happened:

 

 

And then this happened:

 

TROLLSDORF PUBLIC EMBARASSMENT #3:

3 WAY TIE:

Cancun clothed Pool Push/ RV Hissy- Fit "I am driving you assholes around and you are going to put your dicks in my face!  One dick OK! But six dicks, No way!" / Stone Cold Stunner man tears at Matt's engagement party. 

2.) Dickhead (5-1) 118.82 beats
Victorious Secret (3-3) 116.28

 

 

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

 

 

3 Barn Burners and not even the top ranked matchup whaaaat!? JR's heart rate is starting to rise, his face is getting red, and he is starting to sweat BBQ sauce.  Please note the name change of the team formerly known as The Bitches, Rick Grimes, Cleveland Steamers, Reverse Cowgirls, and currently ahem, BriantopWattsbottom (which I totally do not agree with, everyone knows I am a power bottom!).  Rather than keeping up with the name changes the said team will be referred to as Dickhead for the simplicity of the Recap.  Really close one here, this matchup was gifted to Dickhead because of Yahoo app not saving the change to put Jerr Michael in and instead had to deal with stupid goddamn Coby Onethousand Fleener.  This one stayed close because both teams are as fragile as little Danny Amendola's glass body:

TROLLSDORF PUBLIC EMBARASSMENT #2

Out in Patchogue our boy Trolls drinks too much and throws a classic Trollsdorf Hissy- fit for the ages.  Indian-style sitting on the sidewalk rocking like a psychopath and punches the brick wall Trolly starts to scream:

Trolls: "My friend gave his life for this country while you Assholes are out getting drunk!"

Response: " Well What are you doing right now?"

Trolls " . . ."

Response: " Where was he stationed?"

Trolls: "Overseas!  In Tex-as!!! HE HAD HIS LEGS BLOWN OFF!"

Response: "Wait, how did he die?"

Trolls: "He OVERDOSED ON HEROINE"

Spoiler Alert- There is no legless heroine addict military friend that is stationed overseas in Texas.

It was about this time that we had a scene on our hands.  The cops come by and grab Trollsdorf by his good ear, call him an asshole and throw him in a Taxi cab.  Can't make this stuff up.



MAIN EVENT OF THE WEEK!!!!!

1.) LRY VLNS (4-2) 79.38 PTS BEATS CRUZIN ALL THE WAY 79.30

JR SAYS: 3 BARNBURNERS!!!!!

YOU GUESSED IT, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS SEASON . . .

JR STROKE FACE ALERT!!

 

 

Both teams sucked but you can't beat a margin of victory less than 0.1.  The second time Cruzin lost in a Stroke Face Alert triple Barn Burner.  0 TE pts in this one which helped lead to such close but shitty performances.  After a heated social media battle the Democrats beat the Republicans . . . Race war is over, Whites Lose!

Luckily for LRY VLNS the almighty Peyton channeled his inner Eli:

 

 

#1 Trollsdorf Public Embarassment:

 

At a hotel in Buffalo it is prime time to be out, and Trolly goes missing.  He ends up in the hotel taking a shower to call it an early night.  When he gets out Josh looks at me and without saying a word I know the plan.  We open the door and rip Trolls towel off locking him outside.  Thats what would have happened if the unsaid plan worked out perfectly.  Trolly put up a good fight and as the towel came off and he was being forced out Josh said "Sorry Hope."  and shoved me out too.  That is when the tables really turned.  Just at that time my pants broke and fell to my ankles as I fell to the ground.  Now I am locked out in the hallway with random people walking by in my boxers with a completely naked Trollsdorf trying to wrestle my pants off of me to cover himself up.   What a sight.  "Ew, look at his little weiner!"

 

 

 

 

BTW: I strongly dislike Tolsdorf.