WEEK 3 RECAP "REVENGE OF THE R- TARDS"

WEEK 3 RECAP:

"Revenge of the R- Tards"

To start out this week I am going to give you, the readers, a chance to contribute because Tolssssdorf doesn't think the recap is very funny.  But Jamessss is a negative nancy. . .  

I am going to ask a single thought provoking question and you can send me an answer with an explanation as to why you chose the answer and then I will put the best ones up next week if anyone sends me a response.

READY?

KILL, MARRY, FUCK?

MICHAEL VICK- before he killed dogs (otherwise too easy.)

RG3 - before he hurt his knee

CAM NEWTON- still a douschebag

GO!

Well now I'm in the quizzing mood so I have one more quiz/ question for you.  The answer will be at the end to reward whoever actually reads this whole thing.  For those who do not already know the answer, my gawd it's a doozy.  I'm going to show you a distorted picture and you have to guess what it is:

6.) Victorious Secret (2-1) 112.42 pts < The Reverse Cow Girls (1-2) 160.40

JR says:  0 Barn Burners

Wow. . . First One Sixty Burger of the season.  Too bad it made for an Uber boring matchup.   The amount of whinning that went on in Forest Green Islip last Sunday.  Due most in part to Jerrr Michael below:

And even though Johnny E is not reading this is would not be right to move on without showing his Cowboys at least a little hate:

5.) Cleveland Steamers (3-0) 88.96 pts > The Butt Fumblers (0-3) 61.28 pts

JR says: 0 Barn Burners

Well this one proves that even the best have to get lucky from time to time and what better way to get lucky than seeing the Butt Fumblers next on your schedule.  I say we vote to have the team name officially changed to Adrian Peterson and the Peterson.  After AP, the second and third highest scorers for BF this week are the Kicker and Defense.  Ouch.  Over here on the Sacko recap I like to provide some visuals as if your fantasy team were a real thing:

The Butt Fumbler's Bench:

"Fuck Me- Benched 2 Weeks In A Row"

4.) LRY VLNS (3-0) 81.94 pts > Negro Sailfish (1-2) 70.14 pts

JR says: 1 Barn Burner!

This gets a lucky one Barn Burner because it fits the theme of LV's early early season.  As LRY VLNS moves to the luckiest 3-0 start in history, this matchup was really more about Negro Sailfish.  For the Negro, this one screams out : "Hey guys! Don't forget about me!  I love Silvery Balls too!"  as he jumps back into the Sacko conversation.  When you are putting up the 4th worst point total and 3-0 like LRY VLNS, no one really wins.  Kind of like a disgusting burrito fart while shoulder to shoulder with over 100 people during a red eye flight layover *** CATCHES BREATH*** but you know what I am talking about.  Your team should just drop a fiber gummy and get this shit over with.

There are no cool pics for this one.  So now with great pleasure, for today's lesson in Douschebaggery 101 I bring to you:

"How to Draw a Penalty in the NFL"

(And yes, this really happened.  And yes, it worked)

(keep your eyes on 55's right hand)

3.) Twatty (1-2) 94.86 pts < Sope Productions (3-0) 105.24 pts

JR says: 1 Barn Burner!

Blah Blah Sope Productions is so super awesome and beats Twatty Blah Blah.  What Watts really wants to see here is an ass out.  More important than this match up, the NFL had its 2nd public Ass Out of the Season!  You would think Josh played professionally!  Enjoy!

2.)  Cruzin all the Way (1-2) 78.86 pts < The Bitches (2-1) 83.30 pts

JR says: 2 Barn Burners!

 So close to 3 Barn Burners if not for some flaccid performances (just trying to keep the Silver Ball Sack theme relevant).  Don't look now, but The Bitches have 10 weeks to win another game and beat last year's total.  Too bad they are trade prudes.  From everyone minus Ed and actual Denver Bronco Fans:

" FUCK YOU PEYTON, SUCK A FAT ONE"

(Compare this to Weeks One's Eli Manningface and you will see Yin and Yang)

AND NOW, YOUR WEEK 3 MAIN EVENT:

1.) Stage Kisses R Gay (1-2) 129.50 pts > Coming to You Live (0-3) 116.98 pts

JR says : 2 Barn Burners!

True story:  before I decided the weekly preview was a waste of time, I chose this one as my preview of the week.  This one gets 2 BB's and is JR's Main Event of the week because each team desperately needed a W.  Then each team blew up (tough luck for the Coming to you Timmy's).  In honor of this being the matchup of the week and the winning team's QB, I have 3 Stafford/ Lion's pics to help sum up the dramatic's of this matchup.

1.) Matthew Stafford showing some beautiful symbolism by acting out a metaphoric visual of Coming to You Live's season (Tolsdorf draft face included):

2.) If this matchup were a real thing, Stage Kisses R Gay would be a heavy smack talk/ taunting team.  The thing is Josh only thinks he has a black guy's " Swagger" and instead comes of like a doofy white tight end as he is way more white than black:

(Yes, that is N Sync.  "It ain't no lie, Timmy.  BYE BYE BYE")

3.) For our final GIF of the evening, lets take it to Tolsdorf's clammy and darkly light room on a sunny Sunday afternoon.  He pauses his MMORPG mid- quest for a minute to check his Sacko score.  All of his uber clan mates yell through his headphones to ask why he is not responding as Lord R Tard the R Tardian sacks his whole squad.  When it sinks in that he is going to be 0 and 3, well, that is when you see the following:

For the following recap I have a very special present for the team that is in 12th place at this time next week.  When I thought of it I laughed out loud at work today.  If I were you and looking at 0 and 4 or having 1 win with a low score I would throw the match next week.  This will be a good one.

Well this is Byron Sope. . . 

. . . finishing . . .

. . . wiping up . . .

. . .and courtesy flushing.

Ok, you made it this far.  Any guesses on what the pic was?  Well here is your answer.  Please save the picture should you need it for future reference.  Goodnight: