Week 1 Recap (Or Recrap in Tolsdorf's case)

Week 1 Recap - Sacko Bowl 2013

This is the debut of a new format for a bigger and better recap.  Hopefully this will work out moving forward and judging by Jay heres beautiful Bear Sacko I think you may be in for it. . .

Also new for this year's recap I and debuting a new rating system, judging the match ups on a scale from zero to three.  

Sounds lame doesn't it?

Well that when good O'l JR comes in.

Introducing:


 JRs Barn Burner meter: rating your matchup from a super lame 0 Barn Burners to a super awesome three Barn Burners:

Now on to the recaps . . . . . 

1.) Cleveland Steamers (137.52) beats Coming in Your Ass  to You Live (117.88)

 JR says: 0 Barn Burners

It works out to be a pretty cool league when your biggest blow out is only 20 points.  This was a matchup of past champions as Cleveland stays in 2012 form while rudely re- welcoming the team formally known as the All Talk Timmy's back to the Sacko league.  It would have been a close match but thats when Zach Sudfield got in the way . . ."No guys I swear , Zach Sudfield is ranked as R Tard Fantasy Direct's # 35 sleeper for the month of September.  That dude is gonna turn heads Bro."  

2.) Victorious Secret (96.40) beats The Butt Fumblers (90.42)

JR says: 1 Barn Burner

In an early luck bowl for 2013, where the two lowest scoring teams slapped it out to Ed's dismay, Victorious Secret takes it to The Butt Fumbles aka Adrian Peterson and the Peterson's.  Seriously look at Ed's situation this week, he has probably already bitten his lip raw while reading this.  Some how the only two teams that could not break 100 points faced off.  Last year's 3rd placer vs the Reigning Sacko Supreme!  If only Adrian Peterson farted out another 10 pts:

3.) LRY VLNS (114.06) beats Stage Kisses (101.85)

JR says: 1 Barn Burner

JR totally gave a sympathy Barn Burner on this one because at least Stage Kisses were able to break 100 pts.  Maybe haha they should have started haha their 6th round pick keeper haha Malcom Floyd haha.  Josh totally doesn't get the joke because even after explaining 15 times and at a 3rd grade reading level and using pictures and diagrams, he still does not get the keeper system.  Hey, there's always next year.  On a side note, if it weren't for LRY VLN's AJ Green JR would have ranked this at -1 Barn Burner therefore taking the lowly Luck Bowl's 1 BB.  And on another note (sorry to pile it on you this time Josh) there was something this weekend that reminded me of Josh that I just could not get my head around.  Hmmmmmmm?  What was it???  Oh yeah this:

4.) Negro Sailfish (118.26) beats Twatty (108.52)

JR says: 1 Barn Burner

What a beautiful Nationally Televised Ass Out that was.  I mean come on, that would make even Ed Penis Mc Ginn blush and a good percentage of Ocean Bay Park saw Penis's penis just the other weekend.  Go ahead, you know you want to take one more look, go ahead I'll continue ahead. . . .

Blah Blah Blah Blah Sacko Sacko Sacko Insert Lame Mike Weeks Joke Here Sacko Sacko Sacko 

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Sacko Sacko Sacko Sacko   Insert Mike Week's Bank Account Joke Here Sacko Sacko Sacko Blah Blah Blah Insert Joke With A Metaphor Saying How Small Mike Week's Wiener Is Here Sacko Sacko Sacko Sacko Blah Blah Blah  Sacko Sacko Sacko Blah Blah Blah Blah S

 . . . . here we are, an important matchup between two of last year's Sacko Darlings who both narrowly avoided the cold shiny steel of the Sacko Balls and were rewarded with Uber Sweet draft picks.  

And now with great pleasure I bring you Mike Week's reaction to actually winning a game not in the Sacko tournament:

5.) The Bitches (123.28) beat Reverse Cow Girls (116.32)

JR says: 2 Barn Burners!

After this week you can find the Bitches sitting outside on the street with a cardboard sign that says: "Will Blow for your Backup Running Backs!".  Now just like you, whenever I see the a matchup between The Bitch and the Anchors/ RCG I want to yell: 

But Johnny E, in true Power Bottom fashion, keeps it close.  I'll save the "Collusion!" and "Shenanigan's" yelling until we see the inevitable trade approved between EJ and Taco Johnny E where its Johnny's half way decent RB is being moved for EJ's backup waiver wire defense.  

If the Reverse Cowgirls team was real their sideline would look like this:

(Now just like you I figure every black guy in a Cowboy's uniform is Dez Bryant.)

There you have it Romo, Witten, and Bryant.  Your 2011, 2012, and 2013 Anchors/ Reverse Cowgirls.

6.) Your Main Event and Matchup of the Week!

Sope Productions (143.50) beats Cruzin All the Way (143.18)

JR Says: 3 BARN BURNERS! MA GAWD!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL.  EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE A MEANINGFUL GAME WILL END WITH LESS THAN 1 PT AND TRIGGER:

JR STROKE FACE ALERT!!!!

Good Gawd Almighty!! He beat him like a Government Mule!  Stomped a Mud Hole and Walked it Dry! A Devastating Combination like this could bring a Tear to a Glass Eye!  MY GAWD!!!!

Well Jim Ross said it best.  This match had the number 1 and 2 highest scorers of the week (AND SEASON!) finish with a .32 difference on the second game of the MNF double header.  My god what red eyes at work Tuesday morning.  Ryan Matthew's could have queefed out 4 more yards and gave Cruzin the win, but the Sope held strong even after a devastating Bronco's game where a certain someone (WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED) threw 7 goddamn touchdowns.  Well according to Yahoo's draft grades and week 1's results, Yahoo can suck it. 

 We saw Mike Weeks reaction before now lets take a look at Ed's in the form of MANNINGFACE . . . Derpa Derpa Derpa (says Eli):

Alright, well let me know what you think and if you made it this far down the recap I will tease that I have something special in store as a theme for tomorrow's preview: You will get a visualization of this week's match ups like never before!