- Sope Pro edges Brees Nuts in a very close one on MNF thanks to "Big D" David Johnson's Sunday night effort. Hopefully, Johnny E will be facing Sope's Big D next week.
The Championship is set, Sope Pro vs Taco Enoksen after this happened:
- In, what has to be the biggest Barn Burner of the year (check this box score)
Polk High's frustrations:
Intermission so that your phone does not implode . . .
. . .
And finally:
Polk High loses to Taco Enoksen as Tim Hightower had the ball on the last play of the game and ran and ran, but came up 2 points too short.
I usually do not do this in the playoffs, but here you go:
- Beats By Ray beats Victorious Secret for 5th place. Both teams are done and cannot add any
players.
- Skipler and Wirty each housed their respective opponents
to avoid the Sacko Bowl. My Skipler
Sacko Christmas wishes must wait another year now. . . sigh. Both teams are done and cannot add players.
- Here is the 2016 confirmed draft order so far:
3- Wirty
4- Skipler
5- EJ
6- Twatty
7- Holly
8- Tommy
- Anddddd now our main event.
In one corner, 2x Sacko Finalist, our resident emosexual who
will surely need his safe space, should he loss in the Sacko Bowl:
Just Chillin, LArrrrrrrry Villlllaiinssss!!!
In the other corner, your defending Sacko Loser and 3x Sacko Finalist. Ed "Dez Bryant with the #1 pick" FarrrrtAssiaaaannnnn!!!
We have a rematch of last year's Sacko Bowl. Don't forget, you lose this one and you get
the trophy, you are a beer bitch (although your team won the civil war), and
you are buying the plates for the belt and trophy.
Don't lose!
Oh yeah, one more thing.
There will be a fine new addition to the Sacko Trophy this year. I commissioned an artist to create a painting
that truly encapsulates the lovable loser's man- love between Dark Cloud Wirty and
Ed. (I also must note that calling Wirty
"Wirty Fartassian" was the artists touch so for all recapping
purposes, I now deem you WIRTY FATASSIAN!
The torch has been passed from Ed's ass)
Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
SACKO BOWL-
WEEK 2!
Sacko update first:
- #8 Twatty beats #9 Wirty, who is more Dark cloud than ever, losing his starting QB the Red Rocket Andy No Soul Dalton during this match up.
- Biggest upset of the Playoffs/ Sacko Bowl so far, #10 Dickhead beats #7 Skipler sending our **3x Champ to the Sacko Semis.
- Twatty and Dickhead are safe and finished (meaning no roster moves can be made) I locked Dickhead out to be sure. Dickhead will pick 5th in the draft next year and Twatty 6th.
- This week in the Sacko Semis we have #9 The Butt Fumblers vs # 11 Just Chill and #7 Skipler vs #12 Ed Fartassisan in a rematch of Ed's regular season superbowl where he beat Skip. Will this be the passing of the Sacko torch from Ed to Skipler? I sure hope so.
In boring real playoff news:
- The favored teams won as #3 Polk High beat #6 Victorious Secret and #4 Brees Nuts beats #5 Beats By Ray.
- BBR will play VS for 5th place this week (woo hoo).
- #1 Sope Pro will play #4 Brees Nuts and #2 Taco Redhulk FUJE will play #3 Polk High Panthers.
- The Sope semi finals collapse is only a few days away now!
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Sacko Bowl 2015!!!!
(and real playoffs too!)
Week 13 High Scorer:
Twatty- 150.5 pts
Weekly High Scorer's Season Recap:
1- Taco
2- Weeks
3- Wirty
4- Wirty
5- Fern
6- Tommy
7- Taco
8- Dickhead
9- Taco
10- Taco
11- Sope
12- Tommy
13- Gwatts
Total Earnings:
Taco 4x = $60
Wirty 2x = $30
Tommy 2x = $30
Weeks 1x = $15
Fern 1x = $15
Dickhead 1x = $15
Sope 1x = $15
Gwatts 1x = $15
Holly, Skipler, Larry, Ed 0x = $0
Sacko Civil War Final:
Team Skipler= 8, 251.8 pts
Team Sope= 8,277.6 pts
There you have it, barring any last minute Champ immunity or Sacko Chump reverse immunity... Skip, EJ, Fern, Tommy, Wirty, and Watts are responsible for a keg of craft beer and will be drafted as beer bitches based on the final season rankings of Sope, Holly, Ed, Johnny E, Weeks, and Larry.
My idea for next year is that the Sacko loser gets to choose the method of team selection after next year's draft (coin flip, dodge ball rules, beer chugging, coin flip, oldest vs youngest, etc.)
(copied and pasted using Jansson Vision so that it is an even playing field!)
A few important things to bring up:
- Sacko 1st round matchups:
#7 Skipler vs #10 Dickhead
#8 Gwatty vs #9 Wirty
- The Sacko Bowl match ups are set up in ESPN, obviously Ed vs Larry does not count as they are each in SACKO BYE WEEK HELL.
- The real playoffs and Sacko Playoff will reseed each round. That is the way it was on Yahoo, if it does not automatically reseed, then I will manually do it because we can't just change things like that. Well be fine either way, I just wanted to state that ahead of time. Here is last year's bracket for your reference:
- League Champion has beer bitch immunity (if applicable).
- Just a friendly reminder about what is on the line for the Sacko Bowl and why you really do not want to lose it (again):
You claim ownership of the Sacko Trophy, and there will be a new and highly offensive addition to it (yes, even more offensive than a dangling ball sack carousel). This addition has everything to do with the aforementioned Ed and Wirty love project (could you imagine if they meet in the Sacko Finals!?)
You are automatically a beer bitch, meaning you must pitch in for the keg and you will be serving beers on draft night, even if you are part of team Sope/ Sacko.
You are responsible for 9 name plates that I will find a way to add to the Championship and Sacko Trophy (4 champs and 5 Sacko losers). I'll figure out the order and you buy them then I'll install them. If it is a crazy amount of money, I will look to negotiate something reasonable with the league, but you are officially on the hook although I do not foresee this being an unrealistic amount of money.
You will be forced to sit in a secluded room without your cell phone for an hour leading up to the 2016 draft with only the Sarah McLaughlin sad puppies and kitties commercials on loop.
Notes from last week and the season's finish:
- This year we made Sacko history, this is Skipler's inaugural trip to the Sacko Bowl! WE DID IT! He loses on a points forced tiebreaker to Victorious Secret. He finished with a winning record but still, a Sacko- Bowling he will go.
- Speaking of Skipler, this week we have a Superbowl rematch from 2014! The main difference is that it is in the Sacko Bowl this time around. **Defending Champ Skipler takes on his shenanigans cohort Dickhead in round 1 of the Sacko Bowl.
- In the real playoffs we have the league high scoring Beats By Ray vs Brees Nuts who was in position for a 1st round bye until a week 13 loss vs Skipler. On the other side of the bracket we have Victorious Secret who hung onto her playoff spot by a thread vs Polk High Panthers whose team looks ridiculous on paper but has been up and down as of late.
- Sope Pro finishes in 1st place, but Beats By Ray finished with the highest points forced by just 3 points so the Championship Belt will retain the same generic name.
- However! Ed Fartassian finished in last and has the lowest points forced. This means that if he finishes with the Sacko Trifecta, the Sacko Trophy will get a new name (as in last year when we would have renamed the balls the Hairy Larrys, but he did not lose in the Sacko finals).
- Reverse Cowgirls/ Taco Enoksen takes the second 1st round bye spot on points tiebreakers against Polk High and Brees Nuts who finished 3rd and 4th respectively.
- Twatty came through on his part of the laundry list of what it took to make the playoffs, however Holly and Weeks did not. Holly wound up in 6th place after her loss to Beats By Ray (who took 5th) and Skipler wound up in 7th after his win vs Weeks. Twatty finishes with a winning record but that was only good for 8th place. At least they took home high score which netted Gary and Watts $7.50 each on the season.
- Ed and Larry each finish with a 1st round Sacko bye for the 2nd year straight. This has to make you wonder, is a top 2 pick in the draft really worth it? The easy answer is no, if you use it on Dez Bryant.
- My season long project is almost complete! I received an update last night and it is looking great!
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Week 12 Recap/ Playoff Preview Part 2 of 2
Week 12 High Scorer:
Beats By Ray - 164.6
Sacko Civil War Update:
Team Skipler- 7,545.9 pts
Team Sacko/ Sope- 7,625.9 pts
Here is a shorthand breakdown on the state of the league, a Spoilers Section if you will:
- Sope Pro and Brees Nuts are safe for the playoffs, but not guaranteed a 1st round bye.
- Ed Fartassian is locked in for a Sacko Bye unless he wins and Larry and Dickhead loses and he beats the highest scorer between the two by +80 pts, not going to happen).
- Realistically, there is a 2 way fight to get out of the 2nd Sacko Bye between Dickhead and Larry and they are only 3 points apart should each team both win or loss this week.
- Here is where it gets messy. There are 7 teams fighting for 4 playoff spots not already taken by Sope or Brees Nuts. Here is a quick breakdown, I'll get deeper in the actual recap.
#3 Taco Enoksen 7-5 (second highest points forced of these 7 teams.)
#4 Polk high 7-5 (third highest points forced of these 7 teams.)
#5 Victorious Secret 7-5 (Plays #6 Beats By Ray this week)
#6 BBR 6-6 (Highest points forced of these 7 teams)
-----------Playoffs Cut - Off-------------
#7 Skipler 6-6 (currently does not hold a tiebreaker via points forced against any teams ahead of him, definitely needs a W and some help or a Beats By Ray loss)
#8 Butt Fumblers 6-6 (see Skipler's note, but also needs Skipler to lose.)
#9 Twatty 6-6 (Needs a W and an absolute miracle, will lose on tiebreakers vs every team ahead of them.)
6.) #6 Beats By Ray (6-6) 164.6 pts >
#8 The Butt Fumblers (6-6)89.6 pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
We start off with this recap's PUSSY CRUSHING OF THE WEEK:
Congrats to Beats By Ray so far, our league's 2nd highest scorer!
This was a tough one to lose for The Butt Fumblers and it is seeming more and more like this is the season that got away due to Leveon Bell and Keenan Allen's feeble knees. At least you have a reunion with Donte Manqueef (sorry I wanted to say Manqueef at least one more time).
And do not worry Christopher Wirth, my super secret special plans for you and Ed are back on track and I definitely did not forget! I could show you a rough draft of my plans but I don't want to take away from the shock and awe of the final product! And yes, there will be man on man butt stuff.
BBR Outlook: Although BBR has scored a lot of points, they are not safe for a playoff spot. With 3 teams looking to jump BBR for the 6th spot (if he losses) this is basically a "win and you are in" situation. If not, BBR will need losses by Skipler, Butt Fumblers, and yes, even Twatty. But if BBR wins, they can go as high as 3rd place and start singing: LOCK IT UP- LOCK IT UP. . .LOCK. IT. UP!
The Butt Fumblers Outlook: Really tough draw vs the high scorer this week even though your team did not really show up anyway. In a lose and you are out situation. You need a win and for Victorious Secret to beat Beats By Ray, and for Skipler to lose, OR you need Skipler to score 12 points less if you both win. Just worry about beating Polk High this week and count your lucky stars that it looks like Gronk may be out, if I were you, I would cock block him by adding Scott Chandler, whoops too late. You have to stay ahead of the curb here.
5.) #1 Sope Pro (8-4) 132.6 pts >
#7 Skipler (6-6) 90.1 pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
You and Calvin Shenanigans Johnson can both suck it.
I have been saying for weeks now that Skipler needs to be put down. And how does that old saying go? If you want someone fucked, you need to fuck them yourself? Well in that case, I just fucked Skipler to death (or at least out of the playoffs, I am speaking metaphorically here so don't get jealous Johnny E).
Hopefully for me, this will be Sope Pro in the playoffs this year:
Sope Pro Outlook: Still at #1 and realistically (but not mathematically) can only be jumped by #2- Weeks, therefore falling to #2 as Sope Pro holds a 60 point, a 90 point, and a 140 point tie- breaker over the teams that are 1 win below Sope. If Sope Pro beats Larry this week and scores more than BBR, then he will be in contention for a name change for the Championship belt, but it is only a matter of time until Sope Pro chokes in the playoffs.
Skipler Outlook: Just like Wirty, Skipler really needed this one. Skipler is only the 5th highest scorer out of the 7 teams fighting for 4 spots. He needs to win and have Victorious Secret beat BBR with a Butt Fumblers loss OR a Butt Fumblers win, but Skipler cannot score less than 12 points compared to the Butt Fumblers **catches breath (this was really a warm up for the amount of stipulations that Twatty needs to make the playoffs). There is a very real chance that this will be the first time Skipler goes Sacko- Bowling, AND he is out of draft picks next year due to Dickhead BS trades. Score!
4.) #5 Victorious Secret (7-5) 116.1 pts >
#3 Reverse Cow Girls (7-5) 80.0 pts
JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!
Good to see that my hexing/ reverse hexing powers still work (I'm talking about you here, Maclin and Rex Ryan surprisingly holding back from throwing the challenge flag!)
VS Outlook: A win this week vs monstrous Beats By Ray and VS has a long shot at a playoff bye, but will then lock up a playoff spot. A loss and she is still alive but will need some luck as the 2 wins over .500 help, but her overall points forced are only 28 points ahead of Skipler. So, a loss and getting bumped from the real playoffs due to a tie- breaker is still realistic.
Reverse Cow Girls Outlook: In 3rd place and has the 3rd highest points forced in the league. To make things better, RCG plays Ed this week. A win and a Week's loss will get RCG a 1st round bye and they are realistically safe from missing the playoffs even if they lose this week.
Twatty with their best performance of the year and at the (2nd) most important time! Most likely this will just help with Sacko Bowl chances, but the Twatts is still alive!
To add insult to injury, if Larry won this week, he would not be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs (but would never in a 1,000 years make it anyway.)
Larry's season both on the fantasy and really real real-life grid iron:
Just Chill Outlook: Sacko bound. Needs a Win and a Dickhead loss or needs to outscore Dickhead with currently having only a 3 point lead on Dickhead, otherwise JC will start the post season on a Sacko Bye.
Twatty Outlook:
Ok, Sope you prepared for this. . . In order to make the playoffs, Twatty needs:
1- A Win vs Dickhead (by far the easiest part, suck it Jansson!)
EJ to ED: Open a bank account with your mouth so that I can deposit my dick in it. This was a meaningful one, but not for the right reasons and that is the only reason this was not the week's main event. Also, this was a match up of our 2 resident cum junkies so there is that.
Don't forget, the Sacko Trophy is a metaphoric way to say "you got fucked in the ass" and it is going to be in someone's living room. Just picture the Jansson holiday party with that thing spinning around. Josana!
Ed Outlook: Pretty much guaranteed a 1st Round Sacko Bye, can only contribute points to the Sacko Civil War this week. It would be pretty tough to finish ahead of either Larry or Dickhead if they lose and Fartassian wins.
Dickhead Outlook: Sacko Bowling this year and he sold his soul banking that he can get one win in the next few weeks. Needs a Win and a Larry loss OR needs to beat Larry on a tiebreaker if they both win or lose. Dickhead currently has 3 points less than Larry on the season so the coveted #10 spot is up for grabs.
1.) #2 Brees Nuts, Got 'Em (8-4) 125.2 pts >
#4 Polk High Panthers (7-5) 119.4 pts
JR Says: 2 Barn Burners
So close Travis Benjamin, so close. I think that Polk High would have won this if the Ravens did not have a kick- six walk off on MNF. Either that or the big- time Gronk injury:
I will go ahead and say this, I think this one was a bit of an upset even though their records were the same.
Brees Nuts Outlook: A win vs Skipler this week and a 1st round bye it is and Skip is out of the playoffs, everybody wins at least a little (except Skip). A loss this week and then a win by Taco, Polk High, or Victorious Secret (who needs to finish with +3 points over Weeks) and Brees Nuts will be out of a 1st round bye.
Polk High Outlook: In good shape for the playoffs. A win this week vs the Butt Fumblers and a Brees Nuts loss and a Taco loss = a 1st round bye. A loss and Polk High can realistically go as low as #6 unless something insane happens.
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