Sacko Bowl Year 4:  The Silver Ballbag of Truth

 

 

 

 

Week 1 Recap:

 

 

After weeks of rosterbating, some have enjoyed the fruits of their labor with a week one performance that will surely live on in their spank banks.  For others, the cold harsh reality of a metal tea bags sets in . . .

 

 

 

To kick things off this year, I first have to take care of some business. 

 

1.)We have two new players in the league to replace our most recent (and really only ever) departed.  I need everyone not named Tommy or Fern that is reading this to find their nearest table.  Now start slamming on that table.  I need you to muster up the creepiest voice you can.  Start chanting:

 

 

 

 

"We accept you, one of us . . .

 

 

ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

 

GOOBLE GABBLE!  GOOBLE GABBLE!"

 

You should be freaked out knowing that at one point or another, 9 people were chanting that at you, because c'mon guys you know Holly is clearly above stooping to "our" level **scoff **scoff.


2.)  . . . and this is a big one.  My only preface for this is that the following challenge has already been accepted and is currently in progress.  Those that do not know what I am talking about have already been spoken for.  At this point, you're in . . .

After clear and blatant collusion during the draft and the shenanigans of Johnny "Taco" Enoksen starting a backup Running Back against one of his fellow elders, the young guys have had enough and a gauntlet has been laid down toward the shady old fucks.  This year we are debuting:

The Sacko Civil War

 



We are cutting the league in half.  6 youngest vs 6 oldest.  So you have Me, Holly, Fern, Ed, Weeks and Larry Vs Tommy, Watts, JE, EJ, Skip, and Wirty.  However Weeks was not around for this sweet- ass group picture telling the old dudes to suck it so he has been traded to the old team for Tommy and Watts is still old (Sorry Watts, 30 is not the new 21, although that hair may lead you to believe otherwise).  So you have the

 

 

YOUNG GUYS:

Sope Pro, VS, Villains, Cruzin, BBR, and PHP.

 

With their mascot of: Josh's Ass Crack -

 

 

 

 

 

 

VS

 

 

 

OLD DUDES:

 

Twatty, Butt Fumb, Bitches, RCG, Neg Sailfish, and BTB/BTB

 





 

With their mascot of: Full Bill-

 

 

 

 

 

 

The challenge is a battle of regular season points.  I will update the standings weekly.  It just so works out that week 1 results are ridiculously close before you start crying that you didn't know you were in an added challenge:

 

 

Old Dudes: 647.10 pts

 

Young Guys: 644.72 pts

 

 

 

Hmmmm?  Did I miss anything?  Oh yeah, what's on the line you ask?

Well this one's a doozy. . .

 

 

The losing team must chip in to buy a keg for next year's draft.  The winning team will hold a draft (within a draft) to select their personal beer- bitch for the day.  So yeah, don't lose.

 

3.) To fill in the Noobs, here is a quick summary of how the recaps work.  Each matchup is presided over by good Ol' JR JIM ROSS:

 

(Boomer Sooner theme song should be playing in your head,

dah nuh nah nahhhh dah nah nuh nuhhhhhh!)

 

Each match up is given 0 - 3 Barnburners. 

0 Barnburners = someone got beaten like a government mule, King!

3 Barnburners = Good god almighty!  What a Slobber- knocker!

 

 

 

4.) Let's check in with our recently departed and see how our old buddies Josh and Trollsdorf are keeping themselves busy in their post- Sacko days:

 

 

 

 



 

On second thought, let's just get to the recaps already.

 

 

 

6.)

Polk High Panthers 116.92 pts beats

Larryvillains 91.38 pts

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

Larryvillains starts this year with a sleeker, less- obnoxious team name and a new look offense that suffered the biggest blow- out of the year (of week 1).  Larryvillain's bench featured a who's who of the league's best (suspended) players.  It is official that you made this year's round for round worst pick in Ray Ray.  All we need is for Jay Cutler to call Alshon Jeffrey or Martellus Bennett a N- BOMB to get suspended and it would be down right comical at this point. 

 

 

Without Josh in the league, our league dyslexia level is down 100% so I do not have to break things down into simple terms and pictures.  But I will do it here anyway!

 

#47 = Larry

 

 

 

 

 

5.) Beats by Ray (very topical!)107.04 pts Ray Rices

Victorious Secret 87.94 pts

 

 

JR Says:  0 Barn Burners!

 

 

In this year's first case of DOMESTIC SACKSUAL ABUSE, BBR booom shacka- lacka's VS.  "Why did my bench do so awesome when I could have started those players?"  Well Holly, because no one in their right mind would knowingly start shitty Mark Ingram (when he was most likely going to run 10 times for 8 yards) and foresee that stupid Doug Martin would fart out 2.10 pts and get benched.  Life isn't fair and the Sacko is not fair, just ask Wirty.  Actually don't ask him, those balls on his neck were very fair (and they looked good too!).  I could bore you with a GIF of Ray Rice knocking his fiancé unconscious but that is just not cheery enough for this blog!  So I went in another direction and had Holly shop it into a much more pleasant 80's movie cover.  If Ray Rice would have just taken some notes on how the characters covered up their dead boss' death, dragging around his knocked- out baby's- mama's unconscious body would have been child's play and he would still be playing for the Ravens and (more importantly) Larryvillains:

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

4.) The Bitches 100.62 pts let's them sway vs

The Reverse Cowgirls 85.36 pts

 

JR says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

In the lowest point battle this week, Johnny E makes a strong case to be "This Year's Wirty".  In the preseason report for the Sacko bowl, everyone was speculating on who would be "This Year's Wirty" and JE definitely looks the part so far.  This one gets a Barn Burner based on the back and forth followed by a Monday night matinee comeback.

 

Now I know JE is probably not reading this so:

Quick, someone add Ray Rice and send Johnny "Taco" E a trade offer he "can't refuse" before this week's headlines get to him.  For those of you who don't know, Johnny E lives in a cave and probably still owns a phone that has a retractable antenna.  So no, no data plan there. 

 

That won't really work, come to think of it.  JE has "guardians" of his roster and he just so happened to play one this week.  He just so happened to start a backup running back who plays on the same team as a running back already starting for the Reverse Cowgirls.  That is just like tackling a player on your own team:

 

 

 

 

But, I digress . . .

We'll there is one awesome un-benchable player on the RCG's name Antonio Brown, but to be honest, I am just looking for an excuse to show this:

 

 

FINISH HIM!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

3.) Sope Productions 130.30 pts effs the A of

Cruzin All the Way 111.14 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

Cruzin get's effed in the A alright.  This one gets a Barn Burner because these teams actually put up points and this one featured an 80 point swing come- behind without even the common courtesy of a reach around on Sunday Night football.  Let me remind Ed of week 1 last year.  Thursday night Cruzin's Peyton Manning throws 7 TD's.  3 TD's go to Cruzin's Wes Welker.  This matchup looked over on opening night.  But not on Sope's watch.  Fast forward one year.  The Sope's are faltering and things are looking grim for the Sope's.  Not on Andrew Luck and Julius Thomas's watch!  I know exactly what Ed was yelling during Sunday Night Football:

 



 

. . .and I'll leave it at that, because lady and gentlemen, we have man tears!



2.) Butt Fumbler's 120.66 pts skip over
BTB+BTB 112.56 pts.

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

Now we're talking!  Based on last year's results, this is a big- time upset special.  What was EJ's famous quote, "It's all fun and bro's until someone rub's one out on your chest"?  We'll The Butt Fumbler's (metaphorically (maybe literally, but who's judging this day in age))rubbed one out on BTB's chest. 

 

Wirty has trained hard this offseason "I will not get trade- raped, I will not get trade- raped!"  This is a major win and I do not want to steal your thunder but C' Mon Man:

 

 

 

What went wrong for the defending champs?  You had the best keeper in football on your payroll.  Let's check in and see what's going on in his concussed brain right now:

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Anddddddd nowww, your matchup of the week:

 

 

 

1.) Twatty 117.64 pts Timmy tea bags

The Negro Sailfish 110.26 pts

 

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

This was a fun one and a little bit of an upset based on last year's results.  It is a major upset based on the blackness of Negro's team vs the Whiteness of Twatty's team.  Twatty's team is exactly what Hitler had in mind minus a few HUGE players. 

 

The Sailfish was on top until Calvin "Horsecock" Johnson showed up.  I don't know who Twatty should thank more, HC or that shitty shitty display that you call the New York Giant's this past Monday night.

 

 

I am going to tell you who the unsung hero is in this matchup.  Molly.  That's right Molly.  If it wasn't for the Molly Wes Welker had in his system, he would have played this past week.  If he played he would have came in all concussed and strung out after an all night "Amphetamine" rager.  Here is a simple formula to show the caliber of player that Twatty would have started that I think would have shit the bed while looking like a turd in that giant "concussion- proof" helmet with drool pooling up on his chin.

 

I'm out!!  I have some football to watch. . .