Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ballbag of Truth

 

 

Week 2 Recap:

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to start this week off by making a major announcement that very well may potentially effect anybody and/ or every body in the league.

 

 

(And no it's not that I'm coming out of the closet, Shut Up Jansson)

 

 

That announcement is that I will be making a major announcement

. . .

Next week.

 

Week 2 Sacko Civil War update:

 

 

The Geritols (Olds)

1,238.84 pts

 

 

The Manscapers (Youngs)

 

1,242.22 pts

 

 

 

Still extremely close. There is one major detail that I missed last week.  You know the draft within a draft I mentioned last week where you get to pick your personal beer bitch?  The draft picks are ordered on final season standings.  The higher your place, the earliest your beer bitch draft pick.  I for one know that I will be a high priced beer bitch (if I lose).  So you best be winning the Superbowl if you plan on hiring my services when draft day rolls around.  Truth be told, I know that I will have a target on myself and will end up being the Lesean McCoy of the Civil War draft within a draft (Again, that is if the young guys lose, otherwise, Jansson, you can bank on pouring my beers . . . bitch).

 

 

 

There was a major lack of barns being burnt this week so let's get this one over with!

 

 

 

 

6.) Beats by Ray (2-0) 136.52 pts "Fucks her right in the pussy!" - Jameis Winston. over Larry Villains (0-2) 93.64 pts

 

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

The Mc Coy/ Sprolesy tag team champs of the world (of Sacko (of week 2)) ran all over this one, grabbing BBR the weekly high score.  Outside of that there was some other decent action in this matchup.

 

We had some of this:

 

 

 

 

And then a little of this:

 

 

 

Even some of this:

 

 

 

 







And then Larry Villains went off and chased the waiver wire dragon and was left with this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.) Reverse Cow Girls (1-1) 128.04pts Slutspurts

Victorious Secret (0-2) 87.44

 

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

The story of this matchup coming in was that someone had to lose.  This isn't some fagball, use your feet only sport.  This is 'Merica!

The RCG's came out of no where and nearly missed the high score this week.  Hmmmm?  suddenly Taco's team looks studly now that there is not an old man on the other side of the matchup. 

 

As for the other side of this matchup.  Well, let's sum up Victorious Secret's season so far as quickly as possible:

 

 

 

 

 

4.) Polk High Panthers (2-0) 109.54 Noob Toobs

Cruzin all the Way (0-2) 70.98

 

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

Don't look now but Adrian Peterson and the Waiver Wire Wonders (Polk High) are 2 and 0.  Are these players the real deal or just quick roster band aids?  Well find out this week in the Noob Special when they go against fellow 2-0 Sacko Virgin, Beats by Ray. 

 

And as for Cruzin.  My heart goes out to Ed as things are heading south in all things fantasy football for the one they call the Joo.  I feel bad and don't want to poke too much fun, but the Sacko Recap isn't here to warm your hearts. 

 

If the injury bug is a real thing for a fantasy team, then Cruzin's team has the injury Ebola.  Coincidentally, the only players that did something for Cruzin this week (minus the one waiver wire wonder that Fern didn't get his hand's on (Kelce)) were the players acquired in the offseason. 

 

Poor Ed, fantasy football has become one massive Joe Flacco sized head, headache:

 

 

 

 

 

3.) Twatty (2-0) 121.64 pts Sassy Snaps

BTB + BTB (0-2) 89.58 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

The 2 time defending champs are 0 and 2.  Let that sink in a little. . . .

 

 

The 2 x Defending Champs are Ohh and Two !!!

 

 

Cue the obligatory Sportscenter stat that shows if you start 0 - 2 you have like a .0002 % chance of winning the Superbowl.  Maybe an exaggeration but you get the idea.  If Lacy and the Jets (haters) keep this up they will be in talks for first to worst contention.  Things do not look better anytime soon because next on the table is a team of studs managed by a sexy beast of a fantasy owner.  And yes, there will be sassy snaps (a la Andrew Cordero).

 

 

As for Twatty, he held on.  Things looked tough for a little bit.  BTB looked like they had a chance to win their first game . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.) Sope Productions (2-0) 100.08 pts sacks

Negro Sailfish (0-2) 87.24 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, what does it take to get a goddamn Barn Burner around here, Weeks!?

 

 

 

Sope Pro likes to keep things exciting and wait until Monday or Sunday night football to take the lead.  This win wasn't as much earned as it was given by CJ2(whatever is close to rhyming with, or rhymes with K.  For example: Lame, Gay, knock yourself out).  All I know is that Weeks channeled his old man voice (we all knows anyone with the last name Weeks is instantly an old man after age 21) and shook his fist at the screen, "Dang nam Jets did it to me again!"  Don't think you'll see him anytime soon though, he is currently under witness protection after the atrocities his brother Kenny committed:

 

 

 

Now I am just getting away from the Fantasy Football aspect of the recap so here is what it looked like to be the Negro Sailfish on Sunday:

 

 



 





 

 

 

 

Anndddd your matchup of the week . . .

 

 

 

 

1.) The Butt Fumblers (2-0) 86.06pts Kept Calm and Cloched On vs

The Bitches (1-1) 80.18 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

 

Wirty is 2 and 0.  Let that sink in a little. . . .

 

 

Christopher Wirth is Two and Ohh !!!

 

This one gets matchup of the week by default, even though neither team surpassed 90 pts.  But I know you out there in the Sacko League love a good fairy tale and this one stars Wirty the little Cinderella that he is. 

 

The Bishop Skanky Bitches didn't get as lucky this time as the Butt Fumblers smartened up and finally benched Gunt Richardson (Urban Dictionary it!).  The Butt Fumblers need to be checked for fantast PED's or a hidden earplug giving him draft day tips after this 2-0 start.  Maybe he got a hold of Skip's Grade F Glaucoma medicine.  We need to implement stricter testing at next year's draft.  If your blood alcohol content is below double the legal driving limit while drafting . . . INSTANT BAN!  Drafting while under-intoxicated will not be tolerated in the Sacko Bowl.

 

If last week's main event was an epic slobber knocker, well then here is this week's main event:

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, time to go cheer for some garbage- time fantasy point's in Thursday Night Football's weekly bloodbath.