Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ballbag of Truth

 

 

Week 3 Recap

 

 

 

 

Let's kick things of with this week's Sacko Civil War update. . .

 

Team America (Young Guys)

 

 

1,822.98 pts

 

 

VS

 

ISIS (Old Dudes)

 

 

1,854.40 pts

 

 

 

 

For the major announcements that I know you have been counting the minutes to hear. . .

 

This year we have a Sacko First (and chances are last).  The Sacko Bowl is going to screen a world debut movie.  Here is where this involves you. . .

 

In a remote hidden location there will be a random drawing of the names of every person in this league.  Whoever has their name selected at this super secret drawing will have a Sope Productions movie created that will be based on true events from a pivotal moment in your life!  Exciting, right?  Yes, this is really happening and principal photography starts in about a month.  As crazy as you could imagine this being, multiply that by five.

 

 

Also, I ask that you please visit the message board on Yahoo's fantasy page for our league.  There is some real deal smack talk being laid down and I think it should only get better.  So please drop by and tell your buddy he (or she) can go fuck themselves!

 

 

 

We have a lot of Barns a Burning this week so . . .

 

RECAPS HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

6.)

#12 Larry Villains (0-3) 60.50 pts (not a typo!)

<

#6 Reverse Cowgirls (2-1) 116.88 pts



 

 

 

 

** Please note, that Good Ol' JR straight up skipped this one.

 

This matchup was just plain gross.  J Taco E had a solid matchup, but 60 points!!?? Really!!??  (Editor's note you tried your hardest Larry and you just had a rough week so keep your head up and go get em next week Tiger! And please, pleasseeee do not revoke my Redzone privileges by changing your password that I am currently using!).

 

Larry's fantasy team taking the field, well at least trying:

 

 

 

I know that Jimmy Graham is actually on Larry Villain's team, but for funny GIF's sake, This time Purple guy = Larry Villains:

 

 

 

 

It is all good though.  Larry has a plan and he is sticking to it.  He is step by step reenacting the Wirty plan from last year.

 

1. Draft Team.

 

2. Lose your first 8.

 

3. Cash out for week 15 Sacko Bowl Savior players.

 

4. Bro Down

 

 

Sitting on your ass, here you come!

 

 

 

 

5.)

#9 BTB + BTB (0-3) 101.82 pts

<

#1 Sope Productions (3-0) 132.70 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

Somebody tell Skip that the season started and this is all for realsies now.  This is become a weekly installment of BTB's "First to Worst- Journey to the Center of Josh's Silver Bawls".  BTB is officially in free- fall panic- mode while Sope Pro is doing his damndest to monopolize the Weekly High Score market.  (I love typing in the 3rd person).  This is also becoming the weekly edition of "Sope Productions- FUCK YOU!". 

 

Luckily, there may be some relief in sight for the flaring Gout that is BTB's first 3 weeks as they face off against 8th place Cruzin.

 

 

 

As for Sope Pro, a tough matchup next week against The Bitches.  It will be a rematch of last year's "Win and Get a Bye" regular season finale and also a rematch of last year's "Not Sacko Semi Final".  The Bitches took 2 out of 3 matchups and is revving the shit talk engines early with that sweet new team profile pic.  Well two can play that game.  Fair warning, the next time I am on Bayview Dr South, I am going to snap a new profile pic from that weird naked baby pic of EJ with his little wiener out.  The one hanging in the hall.  The picture from the first couple years of your life when they thought you were a little girl.

 

But for now, I'll settle for a picture of weird Reice:

 

 

 

 

4.)

#5 Twatty (2-1) 91.58 pts

<

#7 The Bitches (2-1) 106.02 pts

 

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

 

If JR could, he would give that 1/2 a Barn Burner, but he is in the Barn Burnin mood this week.  So where did I leave off, oh yeah!

 

Fuck The Bitches.  If I learned anything from my time in the Sacko it is that if you are not being a dick you are not trying.  Be one with your inner dick and release all of that dick from deep inside (giggity).  So I took it upon myself to take one of The Bitches draft bust's, Bishop Skanky if you remember from last week.  I found Skanky a new home on my team thanks to the waiver wire and he is getting honorary RB1 status for Sope Pro.  Who was once a draft bust for the Bitches will be the future of Sope Productions starting this week!  Starting a player on my team that has already started for the Bitches this season makes us Fantasy Football Eskimo Brothers!

 

 

 

 

 

In other news. . . Twatty is still the reigning whitest team in the Sacko Bowl:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.)

#10 Negro Sailfish (0-3) 94.00 pts

<

#8 Cruzin All the Way (1-2) 101.96 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

Well after last week's pep talk, Cruzin can not hate life for at least 6 more days because they are on the board!  Dense Boner Forests, Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge, Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table.  These are more or less the thoughts going through the Negro Sailfish's mind as they gather themselves trying to look for that 1st win.  I see what is going on here.  Weeks takes home some money last year and now is playing with house money so in turn, you get a team of superstars just coasting through.

 

 

 

Among a couple of sweet plays for Cruzin this weekend, one stood out above the rest.  Cruzin's play of the week goes to the Ginja Ninja himself:

 

 

 

 

2.)

#11 Victorious Secret (0-3) 98.44pts

<

#3 Butt Fumblers (3-0) 105.26 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

Wirty is 3- 0 !!!!  He is the little dark stormy cloud that could!  Is this his new beginning as a big bright sunny sky?  Will everyone beg him to come out when they are watching their favorite team in hopes that his presence alone causes something miraculous to happen?  Or will he lose the last 7 in a row in devastating fashion further cementing his current legacy as THE DARK CLOUD. 

 

 

 

 

Victorious Secret on the other hand, cannot buy a win this season.  Her drafting theory for this season is clearly not working out.  Demaryius Thomas, Vincent Jackson, Cordarelle Patterson???  I think we have a height supremacist in our league.

 

Height Power! Height Power!

 

 

 

Sieg Height!

 

 

 

If Holly ends up taking the Sacko this year, she should be mandated to change her team name to YEAST MODE.  Just throwing that out there (sorry, you're a girl)

 

 

 

 

 

Anddddd your matchup of the weeeekkkk . . .

 

 

 

1.)

#4 Beats By Ray (2-1) 91.72 pts

<

#2 Polk High Panthers (3-0) 95.44 pts

 

 

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

 

This one had a crazy finish as it was over once the Denver Seattle game ended in OT.  There were ups, there were downs, there was premature mourning by Polk High, and then some last minute jubilation as they knocked off fellow (previously) unbeaten noob BBR. 

 

To be honest, I am running out of consciousness and missing another installment of Thursday Night Bloodbaths on CBS so Polk High. . .

 

 

from one 3 and 0 to another . . .

 

GO FUCK YOURSELF !!! ;)

 

 







 





 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 







 



 





Sacko Bowl 4: The Silver Ballbag of Truth

 

 

Week 2 Recap:

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to start this week off by making a major announcement that very well may potentially effect anybody and/ or every body in the league.

 

 

(And no it's not that I'm coming out of the closet, Shut Up Jansson)

 

 

That announcement is that I will be making a major announcement

. . .

Next week.

 

Week 2 Sacko Civil War update:

 

 

The Geritols (Olds)

1,238.84 pts

 

 

The Manscapers (Youngs)

 

1,242.22 pts

 

 

 

Still extremely close. There is one major detail that I missed last week.  You know the draft within a draft I mentioned last week where you get to pick your personal beer bitch?  The draft picks are ordered on final season standings.  The higher your place, the earliest your beer bitch draft pick.  I for one know that I will be a high priced beer bitch (if I lose).  So you best be winning the Superbowl if you plan on hiring my services when draft day rolls around.  Truth be told, I know that I will have a target on myself and will end up being the Lesean McCoy of the Civil War draft within a draft (Again, that is if the young guys lose, otherwise, Jansson, you can bank on pouring my beers . . . bitch).

 

 

 

There was a major lack of barns being burnt this week so let's get this one over with!

 

 

 

 

6.) Beats by Ray (2-0) 136.52 pts "Fucks her right in the pussy!" - Jameis Winston. over Larry Villains (0-2) 93.64 pts

 

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

The Mc Coy/ Sprolesy tag team champs of the world (of Sacko (of week 2)) ran all over this one, grabbing BBR the weekly high score.  Outside of that there was some other decent action in this matchup.

 

We had some of this:

 

 

 

 

And then a little of this:

 

 

 

Even some of this:

 

 

 

 







And then Larry Villains went off and chased the waiver wire dragon and was left with this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.) Reverse Cow Girls (1-1) 128.04pts Slutspurts

Victorious Secret (0-2) 87.44

 

 

JR says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

The story of this matchup coming in was that someone had to lose.  This isn't some fagball, use your feet only sport.  This is 'Merica!

The RCG's came out of no where and nearly missed the high score this week.  Hmmmm?  suddenly Taco's team looks studly now that there is not an old man on the other side of the matchup. 

 

As for the other side of this matchup.  Well, let's sum up Victorious Secret's season so far as quickly as possible:

 

 

 

 

 

4.) Polk High Panthers (2-0) 109.54 Noob Toobs

Cruzin all the Way (0-2) 70.98

 

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

Don't look now but Adrian Peterson and the Waiver Wire Wonders (Polk High) are 2 and 0.  Are these players the real deal or just quick roster band aids?  Well find out this week in the Noob Special when they go against fellow 2-0 Sacko Virgin, Beats by Ray. 

 

And as for Cruzin.  My heart goes out to Ed as things are heading south in all things fantasy football for the one they call the Joo.  I feel bad and don't want to poke too much fun, but the Sacko Recap isn't here to warm your hearts. 

 

If the injury bug is a real thing for a fantasy team, then Cruzin's team has the injury Ebola.  Coincidentally, the only players that did something for Cruzin this week (minus the one waiver wire wonder that Fern didn't get his hand's on (Kelce)) were the players acquired in the offseason. 

 

Poor Ed, fantasy football has become one massive Joe Flacco sized head, headache:

 

 

 

 

 

3.) Twatty (2-0) 121.64 pts Sassy Snaps

BTB + BTB (0-2) 89.58 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

The 2 time defending champs are 0 and 2.  Let that sink in a little. . . .

 

 

The 2 x Defending Champs are Ohh and Two !!!

 

 

Cue the obligatory Sportscenter stat that shows if you start 0 - 2 you have like a .0002 % chance of winning the Superbowl.  Maybe an exaggeration but you get the idea.  If Lacy and the Jets (haters) keep this up they will be in talks for first to worst contention.  Things do not look better anytime soon because next on the table is a team of studs managed by a sexy beast of a fantasy owner.  And yes, there will be sassy snaps (a la Andrew Cordero).

 

 

As for Twatty, he held on.  Things looked tough for a little bit.  BTB looked like they had a chance to win their first game . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.) Sope Productions (2-0) 100.08 pts sacks

Negro Sailfish (0-2) 87.24 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, what does it take to get a goddamn Barn Burner around here, Weeks!?

 

 

 

Sope Pro likes to keep things exciting and wait until Monday or Sunday night football to take the lead.  This win wasn't as much earned as it was given by CJ2(whatever is close to rhyming with, or rhymes with K.  For example: Lame, Gay, knock yourself out).  All I know is that Weeks channeled his old man voice (we all knows anyone with the last name Weeks is instantly an old man after age 21) and shook his fist at the screen, "Dang nam Jets did it to me again!"  Don't think you'll see him anytime soon though, he is currently under witness protection after the atrocities his brother Kenny committed:

 

 

 

Now I am just getting away from the Fantasy Football aspect of the recap so here is what it looked like to be the Negro Sailfish on Sunday:

 

 



 





 

 

 

 

Anndddd your matchup of the week . . .

 

 

 

 

1.) The Butt Fumblers (2-0) 86.06pts Kept Calm and Cloched On vs

The Bitches (1-1) 80.18 pts

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

 

 

Wirty is 2 and 0.  Let that sink in a little. . . .

 

 

Christopher Wirth is Two and Ohh !!!

 

This one gets matchup of the week by default, even though neither team surpassed 90 pts.  But I know you out there in the Sacko League love a good fairy tale and this one stars Wirty the little Cinderella that he is. 

 

The Bishop Skanky Bitches didn't get as lucky this time as the Butt Fumblers smartened up and finally benched Gunt Richardson (Urban Dictionary it!).  The Butt Fumblers need to be checked for fantast PED's or a hidden earplug giving him draft day tips after this 2-0 start.  Maybe he got a hold of Skip's Grade F Glaucoma medicine.  We need to implement stricter testing at next year's draft.  If your blood alcohol content is below double the legal driving limit while drafting . . . INSTANT BAN!  Drafting while under-intoxicated will not be tolerated in the Sacko Bowl.

 

If last week's main event was an epic slobber knocker, well then here is this week's main event:

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, time to go cheer for some garbage- time fantasy point's in Thursday Night Football's weekly bloodbath.

 

 

 

 



 

 

 





 





 





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Sacko Bowl Year 4:  The Silver Ballbag of Truth

 

 

 

 

Week 1 Recap:

 

 

After weeks of rosterbating, some have enjoyed the fruits of their labor with a week one performance that will surely live on in their spank banks.  For others, the cold harsh reality of a metal tea bags sets in . . .

 

 

 

To kick things off this year, I first have to take care of some business. 

 

1.)We have two new players in the league to replace our most recent (and really only ever) departed.  I need everyone not named Tommy or Fern that is reading this to find their nearest table.  Now start slamming on that table.  I need you to muster up the creepiest voice you can.  Start chanting:

 

 

 

 

"We accept you, one of us . . .

 

 

ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

 

GOOBLE GABBLE!  GOOBLE GABBLE!"

 

You should be freaked out knowing that at one point or another, 9 people were chanting that at you, because c'mon guys you know Holly is clearly above stooping to "our" level **scoff **scoff.


2.)  . . . and this is a big one.  My only preface for this is that the following challenge has already been accepted and is currently in progress.  Those that do not know what I am talking about have already been spoken for.  At this point, you're in . . .

After clear and blatant collusion during the draft and the shenanigans of Johnny "Taco" Enoksen starting a backup Running Back against one of his fellow elders, the young guys have had enough and a gauntlet has been laid down toward the shady old fucks.  This year we are debuting:

The Sacko Civil War

 



We are cutting the league in half.  6 youngest vs 6 oldest.  So you have Me, Holly, Fern, Ed, Weeks and Larry Vs Tommy, Watts, JE, EJ, Skip, and Wirty.  However Weeks was not around for this sweet- ass group picture telling the old dudes to suck it so he has been traded to the old team for Tommy and Watts is still old (Sorry Watts, 30 is not the new 21, although that hair may lead you to believe otherwise).  So you have the

 

 

YOUNG GUYS:

Sope Pro, VS, Villains, Cruzin, BBR, and PHP.

 

With their mascot of: Josh's Ass Crack -

 

 

 

 

 

 

VS

 

 

 

OLD DUDES:

 

Twatty, Butt Fumb, Bitches, RCG, Neg Sailfish, and BTB/BTB

 





 

With their mascot of: Full Bill-

 

 

 

 

 

 

The challenge is a battle of regular season points.  I will update the standings weekly.  It just so works out that week 1 results are ridiculously close before you start crying that you didn't know you were in an added challenge:

 

 

Old Dudes: 647.10 pts

 

Young Guys: 644.72 pts

 

 

 

Hmmmm?  Did I miss anything?  Oh yeah, what's on the line you ask?

Well this one's a doozy. . .

 

 

The losing team must chip in to buy a keg for next year's draft.  The winning team will hold a draft (within a draft) to select their personal beer- bitch for the day.  So yeah, don't lose.

 

3.) To fill in the Noobs, here is a quick summary of how the recaps work.  Each matchup is presided over by good Ol' JR JIM ROSS:

 

(Boomer Sooner theme song should be playing in your head,

dah nuh nah nahhhh dah nah nuh nuhhhhhh!)

 

Each match up is given 0 - 3 Barnburners. 

0 Barnburners = someone got beaten like a government mule, King!

3 Barnburners = Good god almighty!  What a Slobber- knocker!

 

 

 

4.) Let's check in with our recently departed and see how our old buddies Josh and Trollsdorf are keeping themselves busy in their post- Sacko days:

 

 

 

 



 

On second thought, let's just get to the recaps already.

 

 

 

6.)

Polk High Panthers 116.92 pts beats

Larryvillains 91.38 pts

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

Larryvillains starts this year with a sleeker, less- obnoxious team name and a new look offense that suffered the biggest blow- out of the year (of week 1).  Larryvillain's bench featured a who's who of the league's best (suspended) players.  It is official that you made this year's round for round worst pick in Ray Ray.  All we need is for Jay Cutler to call Alshon Jeffrey or Martellus Bennett a N- BOMB to get suspended and it would be down right comical at this point. 

 

 

Without Josh in the league, our league dyslexia level is down 100% so I do not have to break things down into simple terms and pictures.  But I will do it here anyway!

 

#47 = Larry

 

 

 

 

 

5.) Beats by Ray (very topical!)107.04 pts Ray Rices

Victorious Secret 87.94 pts

 

 

JR Says:  0 Barn Burners!

 

 

In this year's first case of DOMESTIC SACKSUAL ABUSE, BBR booom shacka- lacka's VS.  "Why did my bench do so awesome when I could have started those players?"  Well Holly, because no one in their right mind would knowingly start shitty Mark Ingram (when he was most likely going to run 10 times for 8 yards) and foresee that stupid Doug Martin would fart out 2.10 pts and get benched.  Life isn't fair and the Sacko is not fair, just ask Wirty.  Actually don't ask him, those balls on his neck were very fair (and they looked good too!).  I could bore you with a GIF of Ray Rice knocking his fiancé unconscious but that is just not cheery enough for this blog!  So I went in another direction and had Holly shop it into a much more pleasant 80's movie cover.  If Ray Rice would have just taken some notes on how the characters covered up their dead boss' death, dragging around his knocked- out baby's- mama's unconscious body would have been child's play and he would still be playing for the Ravens and (more importantly) Larryvillains:

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

4.) The Bitches 100.62 pts let's them sway vs

The Reverse Cowgirls 85.36 pts

 

JR says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

In the lowest point battle this week, Johnny E makes a strong case to be "This Year's Wirty".  In the preseason report for the Sacko bowl, everyone was speculating on who would be "This Year's Wirty" and JE definitely looks the part so far.  This one gets a Barn Burner based on the back and forth followed by a Monday night matinee comeback.

 

Now I know JE is probably not reading this so:

Quick, someone add Ray Rice and send Johnny "Taco" E a trade offer he "can't refuse" before this week's headlines get to him.  For those of you who don't know, Johnny E lives in a cave and probably still owns a phone that has a retractable antenna.  So no, no data plan there. 

 

That won't really work, come to think of it.  JE has "guardians" of his roster and he just so happened to play one this week.  He just so happened to start a backup running back who plays on the same team as a running back already starting for the Reverse Cowgirls.  That is just like tackling a player on your own team:

 

 

 

 

But, I digress . . .

We'll there is one awesome un-benchable player on the RCG's name Antonio Brown, but to be honest, I am just looking for an excuse to show this:

 

 

FINISH HIM!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

3.) Sope Productions 130.30 pts effs the A of

Cruzin All the Way 111.14 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

Cruzin get's effed in the A alright.  This one gets a Barn Burner because these teams actually put up points and this one featured an 80 point swing come- behind without even the common courtesy of a reach around on Sunday Night football.  Let me remind Ed of week 1 last year.  Thursday night Cruzin's Peyton Manning throws 7 TD's.  3 TD's go to Cruzin's Wes Welker.  This matchup looked over on opening night.  But not on Sope's watch.  Fast forward one year.  The Sope's are faltering and things are looking grim for the Sope's.  Not on Andrew Luck and Julius Thomas's watch!  I know exactly what Ed was yelling during Sunday Night Football:

 



 

. . .and I'll leave it at that, because lady and gentlemen, we have man tears!



2.) Butt Fumbler's 120.66 pts skip over
BTB+BTB 112.56 pts.

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

Now we're talking!  Based on last year's results, this is a big- time upset special.  What was EJ's famous quote, "It's all fun and bro's until someone rub's one out on your chest"?  We'll The Butt Fumbler's (metaphorically (maybe literally, but who's judging this day in age))rubbed one out on BTB's chest. 

 

Wirty has trained hard this offseason "I will not get trade- raped, I will not get trade- raped!"  This is a major win and I do not want to steal your thunder but C' Mon Man:

 

 

 

What went wrong for the defending champs?  You had the best keeper in football on your payroll.  Let's check in and see what's going on in his concussed brain right now:

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Anddddddd nowww, your matchup of the week:

 

 

 

1.) Twatty 117.64 pts Timmy tea bags

The Negro Sailfish 110.26 pts

 

 

 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

 

This was a fun one and a little bit of an upset based on last year's results.  It is a major upset based on the blackness of Negro's team vs the Whiteness of Twatty's team.  Twatty's team is exactly what Hitler had in mind minus a few HUGE players. 

 

The Sailfish was on top until Calvin "Horsecock" Johnson showed up.  I don't know who Twatty should thank more, HC or that shitty shitty display that you call the New York Giant's this past Monday night.

 

 

I am going to tell you who the unsung hero is in this matchup.  Molly.  That's right Molly.  If it wasn't for the Molly Wes Welker had in his system, he would have played this past week.  If he played he would have came in all concussed and strung out after an all night "Amphetamine" rager.  Here is a simple formula to show the caliber of player that Twatty would have started that I think would have shit the bed while looking like a turd in that giant "concussion- proof" helmet with drool pooling up on his chin.

 

I'm out!!  I have some football to watch. . .