WEEK 3 RECAP "REVENGE OF THE R- TARDS"

WEEK 3 RECAP:

"Revenge of the R- Tards"

To start out this week I am going to give you, the readers, a chance to contribute because Tolssssdorf doesn't think the recap is very funny.  But Jamessss is a negative nancy. . .  

I am going to ask a single thought provoking question and you can send me an answer with an explanation as to why you chose the answer and then I will put the best ones up next week if anyone sends me a response.

READY?

KILL, MARRY, FUCK?

MICHAEL VICK- before he killed dogs (otherwise too easy.)

RG3 - before he hurt his knee

CAM NEWTON- still a douschebag

GO!

Well now I'm in the quizzing mood so I have one more quiz/ question for you.  The answer will be at the end to reward whoever actually reads this whole thing.  For those who do not already know the answer, my gawd it's a doozy.  I'm going to show you a distorted picture and you have to guess what it is:

6.) Victorious Secret (2-1) 112.42 pts < The Reverse Cow Girls (1-2) 160.40

JR says:  0 Barn Burners

Wow. . . First One Sixty Burger of the season.  Too bad it made for an Uber boring matchup.   The amount of whinning that went on in Forest Green Islip last Sunday.  Due most in part to Jerrr Michael below:

And even though Johnny E is not reading this is would not be right to move on without showing his Cowboys at least a little hate:

5.) Cleveland Steamers (3-0) 88.96 pts > The Butt Fumblers (0-3) 61.28 pts

JR says: 0 Barn Burners

Well this one proves that even the best have to get lucky from time to time and what better way to get lucky than seeing the Butt Fumblers next on your schedule.  I say we vote to have the team name officially changed to Adrian Peterson and the Peterson.  After AP, the second and third highest scorers for BF this week are the Kicker and Defense.  Ouch.  Over here on the Sacko recap I like to provide some visuals as if your fantasy team were a real thing:

The Butt Fumbler's Bench:

"Fuck Me- Benched 2 Weeks In A Row"

4.) LRY VLNS (3-0) 81.94 pts > Negro Sailfish (1-2) 70.14 pts

JR says: 1 Barn Burner!

This gets a lucky one Barn Burner because it fits the theme of LV's early early season.  As LRY VLNS moves to the luckiest 3-0 start in history, this matchup was really more about Negro Sailfish.  For the Negro, this one screams out : "Hey guys! Don't forget about me!  I love Silvery Balls too!"  as he jumps back into the Sacko conversation.  When you are putting up the 4th worst point total and 3-0 like LRY VLNS, no one really wins.  Kind of like a disgusting burrito fart while shoulder to shoulder with over 100 people during a red eye flight layover *** CATCHES BREATH*** but you know what I am talking about.  Your team should just drop a fiber gummy and get this shit over with.

There are no cool pics for this one.  So now with great pleasure, for today's lesson in Douschebaggery 101 I bring to you:

"How to Draw a Penalty in the NFL"

(And yes, this really happened.  And yes, it worked)

(keep your eyes on 55's right hand)

3.) Twatty (1-2) 94.86 pts < Sope Productions (3-0) 105.24 pts

JR says: 1 Barn Burner!

Blah Blah Sope Productions is so super awesome and beats Twatty Blah Blah.  What Watts really wants to see here is an ass out.  More important than this match up, the NFL had its 2nd public Ass Out of the Season!  You would think Josh played professionally!  Enjoy!

2.)  Cruzin all the Way (1-2) 78.86 pts < The Bitches (2-1) 83.30 pts

JR says: 2 Barn Burners!

 So close to 3 Barn Burners if not for some flaccid performances (just trying to keep the Silver Ball Sack theme relevant).  Don't look now, but The Bitches have 10 weeks to win another game and beat last year's total.  Too bad they are trade prudes.  From everyone minus Ed and actual Denver Bronco Fans:

" FUCK YOU PEYTON, SUCK A FAT ONE"

(Compare this to Weeks One's Eli Manningface and you will see Yin and Yang)

AND NOW, YOUR WEEK 3 MAIN EVENT:

1.) Stage Kisses R Gay (1-2) 129.50 pts > Coming to You Live (0-3) 116.98 pts

JR says : 2 Barn Burners!

True story:  before I decided the weekly preview was a waste of time, I chose this one as my preview of the week.  This one gets 2 BB's and is JR's Main Event of the week because each team desperately needed a W.  Then each team blew up (tough luck for the Coming to you Timmy's).  In honor of this being the matchup of the week and the winning team's QB, I have 3 Stafford/ Lion's pics to help sum up the dramatic's of this matchup.

1.) Matthew Stafford showing some beautiful symbolism by acting out a metaphoric visual of Coming to You Live's season (Tolsdorf draft face included):

2.) If this matchup were a real thing, Stage Kisses R Gay would be a heavy smack talk/ taunting team.  The thing is Josh only thinks he has a black guy's " Swagger" and instead comes of like a doofy white tight end as he is way more white than black:

(Yes, that is N Sync.  "It ain't no lie, Timmy.  BYE BYE BYE")

3.) For our final GIF of the evening, lets take it to Tolsdorf's clammy and darkly light room on a sunny Sunday afternoon.  He pauses his MMORPG mid- quest for a minute to check his Sacko score.  All of his uber clan mates yell through his headphones to ask why he is not responding as Lord R Tard the R Tardian sacks his whole squad.  When it sinks in that he is going to be 0 and 3, well, that is when you see the following:

For the following recap I have a very special present for the team that is in 12th place at this time next week.  When I thought of it I laughed out loud at work today.  If I were you and looking at 0 and 4 or having 1 win with a low score I would throw the match next week.  This will be a good one.

Well this is Byron Sope. . . 

. . . finishing . . .

. . . wiping up . . .

. . .and courtesy flushing.

Ok, you made it this far.  Any guesses on what the pic was?  Well here is your answer.  Please save the picture should you need it for future reference.  Goodnight:

WEEK II RECAP:

(Good Gawd he damn near broke him in Two!)

Looking to do a quick one this week be if you have been living under a rock or at the Enoksen household, you would know GTA 5 just came out.  I'm going to get Hot Pockets for fuel, Ben Gay for my Carpal Tunnels, and no one will hear from me until Holly does:

"HOLLLLLYYY! BATHROOM!"  ** DIARHEA SPLATTER**

Luckily the Barns are not Burning bright this week as it was blow out city in the land of the Sacko.

6.) #5 Cruzin (1-1) 107.88 pts         beats       #11 Coming in my Mouth to you Live (0-2) 70.38 pts

JR says: 0 Barn Burners

Not the biggest blow out on the board but any matchup lost by 30 + featuring a team in the 70's will definitely put JR to sleep.  It looks like Coming to you Live may be playing for next year's first draft pick already (LeSean Mc Coy(( quick shout out to Sope Pro)).  

List of potential sleepers for Coming to You Live to rebound from 2-0 start:

1.) Ahmad Bradshaw IND RB. . .

He is definitely on Cruzin's trading block and Ahmad has no other RB's in his way.  No other RB's.

2.) Barry Sanders DET RB. . .

Guy ran a 4.2 40 at the Combine (you will probably have to Google what that means.) and now that Reggie Bush has a bum knee he may finally see some action out of the Lion's backfield.

3.) Aaron Hernandez NE TE. . .

When he retunrs to the field he is sure to be Tom Terrific's top target!

"What happened to Aaron Hernandez?  Is he Ok?"  ***concerned look on face***

(SPOILER ALERT)

JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF ME FOR  MAKING IT TO THE WEEK 3 SEGMENTS BEFORE MAKING MY FIRST AARON HERNANDEZ JOKE.

5.) #4 LRY VLNS (2-0) 111.36 pts.        beats        #12 The Butt Fumblers (0-2) 85.22 pts

JR says: 0 Barn Burners

CtyL may have some serious competition, these guys really want Shady Mc Coy.  The Silver Balls must be getting heavy and weighing down Wirty's hands when he is picking his lineups.  Either that or cutting off the blood flow to his brain.  FYI: Dallas Clark is not in his 20's and catching passes from Peyton anymore.  If I were you, I would trade a certain Barn Burning RB for a bunch of players.  However, I would not do it with anyone over the age of 40 not named Johnny E.

4.) #7 Twatty (1-1) 132.04 pts       beats  #9 Password is Taco  The Reverse Cow Girls (0-2) 112.92 pts

JR says: 0 Barn Burner's

Too bad the Cowboys don't get to play the Giants every week . . . . ZINGER!  

In this matchup, which I like to call "Return of the Twatt" JE makes a great waiver wire pickup in order to keep it within 20 pts.  I wonder how he ever drew up the testicular fortitude to draft that one Hmmmm??  

Your weekly Romo/ Cowboys looking dumb GIF ( I can make a top 6 list on these alone every week):

If only he could "tuck" the ball as well as he can tuck his penis in between his legs.  "HEY LOOK JERRY! THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL THE MANGINA, NOW BEND OVER AND TAKE IT!"

3.) #1 CLEVELAND STEAMERS (2-0) 149.40pts  beats #10 Stage Kisses R Gay (0-2) 90.22 pts

JR says: 0 Barn Burners

You are probably saying to yourself right now, "Why would this matchup be ranked #3 when Cleveland dropped a JUGGERNUT on Stage Kisses?" verbatim.  

 (For Josh - http://dictionary.reference.com/  keep it up big guy, soon you'll be reading at a 5th grade level!)

Well the answer is that this matchup was a little more important than your average Sacko Slapfight with the biggest score so far a new #1 is crowned.  FOR NOW!  (Check out the preview tomorrow)

4.) #3 Victorious Secret (2-0) 136.56 pts   beats  #6 Negro Sailfish (1-1) 122.50 pts

JR says: 1 Barn Burner

WOO HOO!  Finally, first Barn Burner of the week!  Good thing that Wide Receivers are a thing because this one would have sucked without them.  Did you hear that Aaron Hernandez went in to jail a Tight End and if he gets out he will be a Wide Receiver (OHH 2 this week, already made up for lost time).  

MAIN EVENT OF THE WEEK!!!!!! (completely by default because it was the only non-blowout)

1.) #2 Sope Productions (2-0) 102.98 pts   beats     #8 The Bitches (1-1) 95.28 pts

JR says:

Who am I kidding? This week sucked, JR is passed out at the announcer table.  And in walks:

Suzyn!!!

"OF AWL THE DRAHMAHTIC THINGS JAWN!  THIS ONE WAS NAWT LOOKING SO CLOSE UNTIL SUNDAY NOIGHT!  I GOTTA TELL YA JAWN, THE WILSON BAWLS WERE FITTING IN THEA MUCH TOUGHTER THAN CAWLIN KAEPERNICK'S.  GOODNESS GRACIOUS, OF ALL THE DRAHMATIC THINGS I HAVE EVA SEEN JAWN! THAT IS WHEN THE SEATTLE D TURNED THINGS AROUND AND SECURED THE W FOR SOPE PRODUCTIONS.  BACK TO YOU JAWN!  OH YEAH AND, JETTAAHHH!"

Well so much for keeping it short.  Looks like I'm pulling an XBOX binder.  Btw I bet Tolsdorf didn't make it down this far because he is still on the fantasy page wondering why Barry Sander's will not come up in the Free Agent Search.

Week 2 Preview: The Brown get Browner and the Good get Gooder!

Week 2 Preview Suckas

This week I am going to do things a little bit differently and provide you with a visual preview of what your match ups may look like . . . 

. . . If your team's quarterbacks were literally their team.

Think about it, I'll give Josh a few more seconds to let it sink in.

...

...

...

...

...

And here we go!  Match ups are ranked from worst to best based on record and closeness. . . not what your quarterback is because some are too obvious.  We all know a Lion would demolish packed Cheese.

6.) #2 Cleveland Steamers (1-0) Vs #11 Stage Kisses R Gay (0-1)

5.) #5 LRY VLNS (1-0) Vs #12 The Butt Fumbles (0-1)

4.) #10 Twatty (0-1) Vs #9 The Reverse Cow Girls (0-1)

3.) #7 Cruzin All The Way (0-1) Vs #8 Coming To You Live (0-1)

2.) #6 Victorious Secret (1-0) Vs #4 Negro Sailfish (1-0)

*** Potential Slobber Knocker Of The Week

1.) #1 Sope Productions (1-0) Vs #3 The Bitches (1-0)

Feel free to adopt these like I did if you need a sweet profile pic after your QB goes on a heater.  

Week 1 Recap (Or Recrap in Tolsdorf's case)

Week 1 Recap - Sacko Bowl 2013

This is the debut of a new format for a bigger and better recap.  Hopefully this will work out moving forward and judging by Jay heres beautiful Bear Sacko I think you may be in for it. . .

Also new for this year's recap I and debuting a new rating system, judging the match ups on a scale from zero to three.  

Sounds lame doesn't it?

Well that when good O'l JR comes in.

Introducing:


 JRs Barn Burner meter: rating your matchup from a super lame 0 Barn Burners to a super awesome three Barn Burners:

Now on to the recaps . . . . . 

1.) Cleveland Steamers (137.52) beats Coming in Your Ass  to You Live (117.88)

 JR says: 0 Barn Burners

It works out to be a pretty cool league when your biggest blow out is only 20 points.  This was a matchup of past champions as Cleveland stays in 2012 form while rudely re- welcoming the team formally known as the All Talk Timmy's back to the Sacko league.  It would have been a close match but thats when Zach Sudfield got in the way . . ."No guys I swear , Zach Sudfield is ranked as R Tard Fantasy Direct's # 35 sleeper for the month of September.  That dude is gonna turn heads Bro."  

2.) Victorious Secret (96.40) beats The Butt Fumblers (90.42)

JR says: 1 Barn Burner

In an early luck bowl for 2013, where the two lowest scoring teams slapped it out to Ed's dismay, Victorious Secret takes it to The Butt Fumbles aka Adrian Peterson and the Peterson's.  Seriously look at Ed's situation this week, he has probably already bitten his lip raw while reading this.  Some how the only two teams that could not break 100 points faced off.  Last year's 3rd placer vs the Reigning Sacko Supreme!  If only Adrian Peterson farted out another 10 pts:

3.) LRY VLNS (114.06) beats Stage Kisses (101.85)

JR says: 1 Barn Burner

JR totally gave a sympathy Barn Burner on this one because at least Stage Kisses were able to break 100 pts.  Maybe haha they should have started haha their 6th round pick keeper haha Malcom Floyd haha.  Josh totally doesn't get the joke because even after explaining 15 times and at a 3rd grade reading level and using pictures and diagrams, he still does not get the keeper system.  Hey, there's always next year.  On a side note, if it weren't for LRY VLN's AJ Green JR would have ranked this at -1 Barn Burner therefore taking the lowly Luck Bowl's 1 BB.  And on another note (sorry to pile it on you this time Josh) there was something this weekend that reminded me of Josh that I just could not get my head around.  Hmmmmmmm?  What was it???  Oh yeah this:

4.) Negro Sailfish (118.26) beats Twatty (108.52)

JR says: 1 Barn Burner

What a beautiful Nationally Televised Ass Out that was.  I mean come on, that would make even Ed Penis Mc Ginn blush and a good percentage of Ocean Bay Park saw Penis's penis just the other weekend.  Go ahead, you know you want to take one more look, go ahead I'll continue ahead. . . .

Blah Blah Blah Blah Sacko Sacko Sacko Insert Lame Mike Weeks Joke Here Sacko Sacko Sacko 

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Sacko Sacko Sacko Sacko   Insert Mike Week's Bank Account Joke Here Sacko Sacko Sacko Blah Blah Blah Insert Joke With A Metaphor Saying How Small Mike Week's Wiener Is Here Sacko Sacko Sacko Sacko Blah Blah Blah  Sacko Sacko Sacko Blah Blah Blah Blah S

 . . . . here we are, an important matchup between two of last year's Sacko Darlings who both narrowly avoided the cold shiny steel of the Sacko Balls and were rewarded with Uber Sweet draft picks.  

And now with great pleasure I bring you Mike Week's reaction to actually winning a game not in the Sacko tournament:

5.) The Bitches (123.28) beat Reverse Cow Girls (116.32)

JR says: 2 Barn Burners!

After this week you can find the Bitches sitting outside on the street with a cardboard sign that says: "Will Blow for your Backup Running Backs!".  Now just like you, whenever I see the a matchup between The Bitch and the Anchors/ RCG I want to yell: 

But Johnny E, in true Power Bottom fashion, keeps it close.  I'll save the "Collusion!" and "Shenanigan's" yelling until we see the inevitable trade approved between EJ and Taco Johnny E where its Johnny's half way decent RB is being moved for EJ's backup waiver wire defense.  

If the Reverse Cowgirls team was real their sideline would look like this:

(Now just like you I figure every black guy in a Cowboy's uniform is Dez Bryant.)

There you have it Romo, Witten, and Bryant.  Your 2011, 2012, and 2013 Anchors/ Reverse Cowgirls.

6.) Your Main Event and Matchup of the Week!

Sope Productions (143.50) beats Cruzin All the Way (143.18)

JR Says: 3 BARN BURNERS! MA GAWD!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL.  EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE A MEANINGFUL GAME WILL END WITH LESS THAN 1 PT AND TRIGGER:

JR STROKE FACE ALERT!!!!

Good Gawd Almighty!! He beat him like a Government Mule!  Stomped a Mud Hole and Walked it Dry! A Devastating Combination like this could bring a Tear to a Glass Eye!  MY GAWD!!!!

Well Jim Ross said it best.  This match had the number 1 and 2 highest scorers of the week (AND SEASON!) finish with a .32 difference on the second game of the MNF double header.  My god what red eyes at work Tuesday morning.  Ryan Matthew's could have queefed out 4 more yards and gave Cruzin the win, but the Sope held strong even after a devastating Bronco's game where a certain someone (WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED) threw 7 goddamn touchdowns.  Well according to Yahoo's draft grades and week 1's results, Yahoo can suck it. 

 We saw Mike Weeks reaction before now lets take a look at Ed's in the form of MANNINGFACE . . . Derpa Derpa Derpa (says Eli):

Alright, well let me know what you think and if you made it this far down the recap I will tease that I have something special in store as a theme for tomorrow's preview: You will get a visualization of this week's match ups like never before!