Final Payouts 2013 Season/ 2014 Draft Order:

 

2013 Payouts:

This works out nicely because only the 6 playoff teams won High Scores through the regular season.

 

1.) Cleveland Steamers ((1st Place,$205 )+(2 HS, $30)) = $235

 

2.) Sope Productions ((3rd Place, $70) + (2HS, $30)) = $100

 

3.) Dick Head ((2nd Place, $80) + (1 HS, $15)) = $95

 

4.) Reverse Cow Girls ((4th Place, $30) +(3HS, $45)) = $75

 

5.) Victorious Secret ((6th Place, $5) + (3HS, $45)) = $50

 

6.) Negro Sailfish ((5th Place, $15) + (2HS, $30)) = $45

 

7.) - 12.) EVERYBODY ELSE = $0 and a Giant Shiny (and now greasy) BALLSACK

 

$600 Total check my math.

2014 Draft Order:

1 - Stage Kisses R Gay (Sacko Winner)

2- Cruzin All the Way (Sacko Finalist)

3- Butt Fumblers (Sacko Semi Finalist (Tie Breaker: Worse record than CTYL))

4- Coming To You Live (Sacko Semi Finalist)

5- Twatty (Sacko 1st Round Exit (Tie Breaker: Worse record than LV))

6- LRY VLNS (Sacko 1st Round Exit)

7- Victorious Secret (6th Place)

8- Negro Sailfish (5th Place)

9- Reverse Cow Girls (4th Place)

10- Sope Productions (3rd Place)

11- Dick Head (2nd Place)

12- Cleveland Steamers (Champ)

 

 



THE SACKO BOWL (and superbowl) PREVIEW!!

 

 

Semis Recap/ Sacko Semis Recap/ Super Bowl Preview/ Sacko Bowl Preview!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finallly, THE SACKO BOWL has come BACK!  To the neck of SOMEONE not NAMED WIRRR-TY!

 

  We are now at the most anticipated weekend of the fantasy year. Not the real year,because its not St. Patrick Day yet.  As far as the fantasy world is concerned, this is it:The Sacko Bowl!

And I am talking about Fantasy as in Fantasy Football.  Not World of Warcraft Tolsdorf and not Asian Puke Porn Josh.  Goddammit.

 

The regular playoffs are pretty lame if you look at it:

5th and 6th seed played for 5th place last week as Negro Sailfish beat Victorious Secret.

The 3rd and 4th Seeds are playing for 3rd place this week as Sope Productions takes on The Reverse Cow Girls.

#1 and #2 play in the championship. 

Overall:  LAME!

 

 

The Sacko Bowl however, is a whole nother monster!

Right off of the bat, in the first round, there were 2 upsets.  This sent the higher seeds Cruzin and Stage kisses to face off against the dismal Sacko Bye teams.  Looking at the lineups you would think their misery was over.

 

NOPE! 2 MORE UPSETS.

 

Now we have our 2013 SACKO BOWL:

 

 

CRUZIN ALL THE WAY VS STAGE KISSES R GAY

It has a nice little sound to it.

 

 

 

 

 

Somehow, SOMEHOW! the 7th and 8th seeds made it into the SACKO BOWL.  You start with 2 ugly rosters, sprinkle in some gross waiver wire picks ups and some even worse lineup choices, add 15 weeks of NFL and then you have this glorious matchup. 

 

Rosterbating to this one is like masturbating to BBBW scat porn and Josh knows exactly what I mean on that.  If you don't, (and I bet you do!) a simple Google- search with the Parental Blocks turned off should help make that joke a little clearer.

 

Looking at Cruzin's roster WTF HAPPENED!?  Peyton Manning and Wes Welker combo on the same team?  Is there a combo with more TDs?  Cruzin should have been the one earlier in the season that said "WILL BLOW FOR YOUR BACKUP RUNNING BACKS" because now they are playing in the Sacko Bowl literally with backup running backs in their starting lineup.  Every Goddamn week.

 

As for Stage Kisses, this Sacko run is Half Part DURRRR and Half part . . . who am I kidding? it is all parts DURRRRRRRR!!

Look at their lineup today.  There are starting players that you can find 5 better replacements for on the waiver wire.  I cannot even begin to think of what the thought- process would sound like. (imagine your best R Tard voice) "Well ahh, DURR!! this guy once caught 2 Touch down passes in a game I one saw once the Television 6 years ago, DURRR!!"  and just like that, a 3rd string Tight End cracks Stage Kisses starting lineup. Every Goddamn week.

 

I'm pretty sure that Wirty and Tolsdorf put their money together and paid off (in awful collusion manner) these two Sacko Starlets. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As for the Superbowl, on the complete opposite side of the brackets, we have Cleveland Steamers vs Dickhead.

 

If you want to look at the Sacko Bowl being aka'ed as the Vagisil Bowl, then this one could be known as the Cialis Bowl.

 

 

 

 

The curse of the bye week was broken 2x this year after #2 Dickhead beat #3 Sope Pro and #1 Cleveland beat #4 Reverse Cow Girls.

On the bright side, it feels right to have the playoffs work out this way because I am pretty sure that there was never a Semi Final combined point scoring total than last week.  It is like the complete opposite of a night out where Watts, Paul Wall, and Tolsdorf are trying to get the OTHER kind of points.

 

If there is a lesson to be learned I can voice it as the only owner under 40 still alive in the league in a positive manner. . .

 

Stop being such pussies!  Trade players, drop players, and add a player that did not have a one time only 20 point game the previous week.  We will have to change the name of the league from the Sacko Bowl to "No Trading League of Extraordinary Vaginas".

 

I know it is not catchy, but it makes perfect sense.  There were countless trades that the bottom 6 teams could have made but didn't and in turn they look like a bunch of Vag's (Wirty aside, he traded and saved his season) 

 

Take The Butt Fumbler's for instance, got rid of AP and got value for this year and next.  AP gets hurt and the BFs are not in the Sacko Bowl. 

 

Josh was offered trades for Ray Rice and Chris Johnson and Tolsdorf for Trent Richardson.  Watts could have gotten ride of Waiver Wire Fodder Colston and Lamar Miller.  As for Larry, wellll, no one really wanted anyone from his team.  You sir can keep your Bilal Powell, I will be fine with my RBS who are actually on the top of their respective depth charts.

  Wow their seasons would be way different if they had balls rather than a dry leathery Vag.  Instead, league members would get the occasional god awful trade offer.  No I will not give up Arian Foster for Jericho Cotchery!

 

MJD and others for T Rich, or S Jackson and others for Chris Johnson sounds awesome now.    

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow you can all witness the Sacko Bowl unravel first hand at O'Reilly's at 1 pm in Oakdale. The Sacko Bowl will be decided by the end of the 4 pm games and the Shiny Ball Sack will be on hand!  And then subsequently on neck!

 

As long as Josh doesn't pull a Josh and not show up when he is counted on.   

 



Sacko Bowl Round One Results

 

Sacko Bowl Round One Results

 

 

 

 

    You know how the NFL Divisional round is the most exciting week in football.  Well this is our most exciting week coming up.  I'll get to the results and the bracket next.  We have Sope Pro vs Dickhead for their illustrious 3rd matchup of the season after the .3 debacle two weeks ago.  It is GM vs owner when Clevleand faces off against Reverse Cow Girls.  If we were talking about any other GM/ Owner I would be getting my Shenanigans horn ready, it is all good as long as RCG's do not start an injured player again this week. 
     Victorious Secret and Negro Sailfish take an early exit after their respective beatdowns.  Now they get to play for 5th place, how fun!
     Twatty and LRY VLNS are the first 2 teams to be safe now that their seasons are over.  Dignity spared, they are safe from the Sacko.
   Now that the Sacko teams join the fray (No not the shitty vag- alternative pop band, don't get excited like I know you just did Larry) the Sacko race is heating up.  Let's take a second to look at the 4 QB's currently in the Sacko race:
Matthew Stafford (ok), Tom Brady (really?), Drew Brees (REALLY, REALLY?), PEYTON MANNING (REALLY!? OH SWEET JEBUS!?).

And on another completely separate note, TheButt Fumblers put up a higher point total than half of the Sacko teams this past week and Coming to you Live put up 144 pts, a higher point total than any other team in the league!  Talk about bad timing.

Twatty 125.44 pts beats Cruzin All The Way 103.68 pts as we have our first (hopefully not last) major Sacko upset.  Somehow Peyton is still in the Sacko Bowl. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LRY VLNS 98.16 pts beats Stage Kisses 76.32 taking an early exit and trading the Sacko Dark Horse mantle right back.  This is a baddd time to be putting up only 76.32 pts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11 Coming to You Live ------------------------

                                                                   -

                                                                   ------------------------

8 Stage Kisses------------                            -                            -

                                       --8 Stage Kisses--                            -

9 LRY VLNS----------------                                                         -

                                                                                                 -





                                                                                                  ------------SACKO ! 8====D
                                                                                                 -
7 Cruzin --------------------                                                          -
                                       --7 Cruzin  ---------                             -
10 Twatty-------------------                            -                             -
                                                                   -------------------------
                                                                   -
12 Butt Fumblers --------------------------------



12 Butt Fumblers vs 7 Cruzin All the Way  /   11 Coming to You Live vs 8 Stage Kisses

 

 



Week 13 Recap: Regular Season Finale/ Big Glass Case of Emotion!!!!

Week 13 Recap:

 

"Regular Season Finale/ Big Glass Case of Emotion!!!!"

 

 

Now I know you guys are super excited as I have a World Record- breaking amount of Barn Burners and GIFs to showcase and here they come.

 

 

 

 

 

Very well. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BUT FIRST!

 

 

 

 

I'd like to share with you a few words about my wiener. . .

 

 

Oh soft, pink, with purple head.

 

Gently you lay with me, on my bed.

 

 

FROW! FROW! -

calls the wiener from on high.

 

A little tiny wiener,

still so pleasing to the eye.

 

 

Look at this wiener. 

 

Judge it by its size.

 

 

Rub it 3 times,

 

and it has a surprise!

 

 

 

 

**Ahem Ahem.  Well, no that THAT is out of the way, I present to you-  the end of Regular Season Recap EXTRAVAGANZA!  On a serious note, this will not be what you think it is.  I am currently in a big glass case of emotions after losing by .3 pts.  The only thing that could make me feel better is watching kids get destroyed by animals. 

 

 

Don't worry, you read that right and you are not losing it.  All recap long, you will see, laugh, and then subsequently feel awful, but then most likely laugh again at the babies and small children getting Ryan Gino style DOMINATED throughout the recap.  Many small children will be sacrificed for our enjoyment and my butt- hurtness tonight.  Try and find them all !!!

 

 

(Curse you OBAMER!!)

 

 

 

 

(Make sure you click on the "Greater Than" Sign other wise you are getting half the Sacko experience.  (For Josh, that means the ( >) bless your heart)) 

 

 

 

6.) #4 The Reverse Cow Girls (8-5) 112.60 pts (>) 's

# 10 Twatty (4-9) 88.90 pts

 

 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

 

 

 

This was by far the most Uber Lame of all matchups this week.  Luckily for Twatty the L was meaningless.  If another team (that I will be getting to shortly) would have won, he would have had a week off and be bumped right to the Sacko semi-finals.  Your season went out just like a bloody tampon sitting right on top of the bathroom' garbage, "YOU SHOULDIN OF DONE THAT, HE'S JUST A BOY". 

 

 

 

 

  If the RCG's lost, they would still be facing Victorious Secret.  BFD!  I promise you, the lameness will stop here as this was a kind of exciting week in the land of the Sacko.  I will take the lameness of this matchup and raise two ANIMALS VS SMALL CHILDREN:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.) #7 Cruzin All the Way (6-7) 102.02 pts (>) 's

#11 Coming to You Live (3-10) 82.88 pts

 

 

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

 

 

 

 

FINALLY!  Now that we got the riff raff out of the Recap (i.e. that last shitty matchup)  We can start catching up with some goddamn Barn Burners.  The score was not thatttt close.  But it was close enough and this matchup actually meant something, so it gets a BB!  This loss solidified CTYL with a Sacko Bye. 

Cruzin was not about make his position much better or worse for this was a pretty meaning-less matchup.  As for CTYL, this was your matchup to lose and a job well done sir because YOU NAILED IT!  I do not know what is more up in the air right now, the real championship, or the much more publicized Sacko Bowl but nonetheless CTYL will be a major player.  If they end up taking home the BROWN, I know a victory jersey that would suit your season perfectly.  (And for the Tolsdorf's reading this, simply run down your roster, you should be able to get the reference)

4.) #12 Butt Fumblers (3-10)  115.74 pts
(>)  's
#9 LRY VLNS (5-8)107.68 107.68 pts


JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

Wirty Win Alert!! Wirty Win Alert!! WEEEE !!! WOOOO!!! WEEE!! WOOO!!
A statement win for the Butt Fumblers (as much as a statement as you can possibly make while in last place with the least points forced).  You do not want to see this guy in the semi's of the Sacko, lemmetellya! 

 

LRY VLNS. . .L R Y V L N S.  That makes 5 straight going the wrong way now.  Something tells me that you have been looking less forward to the weekly recap less by less, week by week.  It is only fitting that you get your 5th loss in a row by Butt of the Fumblers, perfect symbolism of your season.  Seeing LRY VLNS as a sure- fire Sacko Dark Horse all the way down at # 9 does kind of hold a guilty pleasure for the rest of the league.  The same kind of guilty pleasure you feel when a head coach of a some- how lesser team (GODDAMN GENO!) is fired in the middle of the season.  LRY VLNS SEASON!? YOURRRR FFIRREDDD!!!

   3.) #1 Cleveland Steamer's (11-2) 117.10 pts
(>) 's
#8 Stage Kisses R Gay (5-8) 114.30 pts

JR Says: 3 Barn Burner's!

I want to start this one off by completely going on a tangent. . . What the fuck was Full Bill doing in Minnesota this weekend and why is he wearing AP's jersey, doesn't he know that Dickhead rep the Bad Guys!!??


<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/sadbQARtAM4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>


(FULL BILL IN MN!! if it doesn't work)

 

 

This was an unexpectedly close one.  Cleveland couldn't really get better and Stage Kisses couldn't really get worse.  I know what you really want from me here, and you will get 4x the kids vs animals!!!:

 

 

 

 

 

 

God I love the interwebs!!!!

 

 

 



 



2.) #5 Victorious Secret (8-5) 136.14 pts
(>)'s
#6 Negro Sailfish (6-7) 133.58


JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

VS has been on a bit of a Hot (Carl) streak and picks up another High score.  Negro Sailfish becomes the first Real Playoff team with a losing record (I think?).  That is some shenanigans, legal shenanigans but still shenanigans.  While I am on the subject of shenanigans.  I call shenanigans on this!!!:

 



 

 

 

 

 

 And this:

 

And this:

 

And this:

 

This:

 

This:

 

Thisss:

( Ewwwww )

 

Annnddd This:

(See last week's recap)

 

 

And now.  Your Fucking Fuck Fuck Main Event Fuck!!!!

 

 

1.) #2 Dickhead (10-3) 126.40 pts
(>) 's
#3 Sope Productions (9-4) 126.10 pts

 

GOD

 

 

 

DAMN

 

 

 

IT !!!!

 



 

 

 

JR Says:  3 Barn Burners!

 

JR STROKE FACE ALERT, WHOOP DEE F' N DOO:



 

Here is the quick summary of what happened in the end of the matchup.

 

First this happened:

 

A shoe- in Victory for Sope Pro and Flash Gordon!  Look at this guy, his knee hurts so bad he is crying!!!

 

 

Then this happened:

 

 

Oh but it is ok because Sope Pro only need 2 points in the 4th quarter to get the W and then this happened:

 

 

Myaahh. . . See here Russell Wilson, just keep handing the ball off for 4 downs when Sope Pro needs 3 FUCKING YARDS RUSHING or 7.5 FUCKING YARDS THROWING.





 

 

 

 

 

Well that recap was exhausting and I started typing on my first beer and now I have a strong buzz going.  I'm ready to bro down.  Good thing that none of the 4 active Sacko teams have anything to update on.  I will text the link to this blog for updates on the Sacko matchups when I type them in. Remember, It is LRY VLNS vs Stage Kisses and Twatty vs Cruzin right now. 

Catch you R Tards on the Sacko Side.