Week 3 Recap

High Score- Dickhead 142.7 pts

(Goddammit)

Civil War Update:

Olds:

2,057.3 pts

Youngs:

1,872.2 pts

We have a large assortment of shitty match ups and an uncomfortable amount gay jokes to get to!

6.) 

#4 Reverse Cow Girls (2-1) 124.4 pts

#10 Twatty (1-2) 74.2 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

I would like to formally announce that Johnny Taco Enoksen has agreed to be the Flower Girl at my wedding.  I asked him before the Draft a month ago.

As you are all aware - THERE ARE NO BACKSIES!  So with great pleasure, I bring to you a teaser, if you will, of Johnny E walking down the aisle with Bentley next Fall!

Long gone for Twatty are the days of Championship glory.  2 years have been a very long time for them, now they are trying to turn the league's underbelly into a Sacko 3- way.  

Wirty and Ed sandwich anyone?  

Let that visual embed within your brain.  

5.) 

#2 Dickhead (3-0) 142.7 pts

#6 Sope Productions (1-2) 98.5 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

I will do my best to bring an unbiased recap for this one. . .

But this is exactly how I feel about it:

Sope Pro dealt with yet another old man tea- bagging while on the wrong side of a weekly high score for 2/3 weeks this season from 2 teams that are on the wrong side of the Sacko Civil War.  Maybe things will  get better next week?  Probably not as Reverse Cow Girls, one of the top tea bag deliverers is on the slate next.

Stupid Dickhead.

Stupid Starvin Marvin.

Stupid Carryon my wayward Johnson.

Stupid Bob Woods

Stupid Baker Mayfield too.

If I had an oz more creativity and time, I'd write my own rendition of Goodbye Moon that replaced with calling Dickhead's players stupid.

4.)

#1 Skipler (3-0) 130.5 pts

#9 Polk High Panthers (1-2) 87.1 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Fern really Pollanded that one up as expected.  Skipler's Reich is as strong as ever.  Larry stands in his way next.  Larry will likely be going the way of Denamrk.  If there's 2 things we should all hate, it is people who are intolerant of other people's culture and THE DUTCH!

If Skip keeps this up we will be renaming the championship belt "SKipler's Danglers".

The caption for that meme could also be "Fern still waiting for Josh Gordon to do a thing".

3.)

#7 Larry Villains (1-2) 120.4 pts

#8 Mississippi Mud Butts (1-2) 86.8 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Yuck, where did that one come from for MMB.  

Not much good to talk about here so I'll change the subject.  We are patiently waiting for an invite to come crash your Bachelor party.  What better way to do it than with everyone else reading.  Since the Bunk House has been closed down, we are eagerly anticipating your choice of location for plan B.

As for Larry, you get a meme and a very special Millenial award for being King Millenial.

2.) #3 Land of the Lost (3-0) 123.7 pts

#12 The  Butt Fumblers (0-3) 97.2 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Wirty scored over 80 pts!  That a good start.  Your'e going to need some momentum heading into your Sacko Pillow Fight vs Ed next week.

I bet you will somehow find a way to tie and still remain winless with Ed.  Extremely unlikely, but goddamn just imagine.

Unfortunately for Wirty there was no momentum to be had here as he played Ernie in the first half of the season and ended up getting stomped out like an innocent beach chair during a BYOB Rich Mahognay concert.

1.)

#5 Bill Cosby's Sleeper Picks (2-1) 106.2 pts

#11 Lady Boy Jansson (0-3) 101.4 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners + 1 Sympathy Barn Burner!

(For Ed: 1 + 2 = 3) so 3 Barn Burners!

Conspiracy Theory Alert!

All Leveon Bell things considered, Ed doesn't have THAT bad of a team.  Mckinnon out?  Suck my Brieda!  Then came Ed's latest "trade".  Ed handed a 40.5 pt QB to BCSP the week they played him, THE SAME WEEK Garropolo tore his ACL.  But well get back to that in a minute.

The universe felt poor Edward's woes and threw him a bone.  Just like that, Evan Engram (another freebie for Tommy and Jay) was out for the game and next few weeks.   Not enough for poor Eddie?  BOOM Phillip Lindsay throws a punch and gets ejected early.  

HERE's THE KICKER!  HE STILL COULD HAVE WON.  All Ed had to do was input his new(one week only) starting QB.  Something clicked, Ed made his "decision" and put in Sam FUCKING DARNOLD in-  good for a healthy 4 points. . .  Goddammit.  I call shenanigans, and not the delightful happy shenanigans that result in free things.  The REAL DEAL kind.  Too many coincidences for my liking.  

You would look better here if Tommy and Jay coincidentally offered you a 2 for 1 BJ on draft day for all of these trades. . . 

Week 1 + 2 Recap

Week 1 and 2 Recap

We're back baby!

A big "We're sorry" goes out for missing the 1st week of this season's recap.  I was in Detroit (almost) literally dodging bullets.  I tried to log in on the company laptop to start writing and the lagged out GIF's looked like one of the layers of Hell and where would this recap be without beautiful, glorious low quality GIF's?  I'd basically be Tolsdorf.  ESPN's generic algorithm based recaps would be more exciting.  "Wow Reverse Cow Girls started Dick Dickerson and scored this many points, what a great move!"

Sacko Civil War Week 2 Recap

Olds 

(Dickhead/ Ernie/ Skipler/ JE/ Wirty/ Watts + Gary)

1,366.7 pts

Youngs (By default)

( Sope/ Ed/ Fern 1/ Fern 2 + Tommy/ Larry/ Zach Wheeler)

1,272.0 pts

Week 1 High Scorer
Skipler - 155.6 pts

Week 2 High Scorer
Ernie - 138.2 pts

New Sacko Bowl Format:

Week 14:

#12 Plays #9

#11 Plays #10

#7 and #8 are on a bye

Week 15:

Semi's for #1 Pick:

Winner's of 12v9 and 11v10 play #7 and #8

based on reseeding (highest vs lowest)

Losers of 12v9 and 11v10 are on bye and play in the Sacko Bowl the following week

Week 16:

Battle for 1st pick 

(loser gets 2nd):

Winners of the #1 Pick Semi Play

Consolation Battle for the 3rd Pick 

(loser gets 4th):

Losers of the #1 Pick Semi Play 

Sacko Bowl:

Losers of 12v9 and 11v10 from Week 14 play.

Winner gets 5th Pick/ Loser gets 6th Pick and oh yeah Giant Sacko Trophy to be displayed in house for a year AND has to work the draft board in an outfit provided by Champion.

On to the Recaps!

6.) 

#7 Reverse Cow Girls (1-1) 114.5 pts

(Last Week- Lost to Land of the Lost 107.8 - 115)

#11 Lady Boy Jansson (0-2) 71.3 pts

(Last week- Lost to Dickhead in a Sacko Bowl rematch 92.7-128.1)

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Ed, I would feel bad for you if you were not a one man league- parity wrecking crew.  You finally did the right thing (at the time) by picking Lev Bell #2 and even that was the wrong thing.  Everything you touch turns to shit.  

Trade offers are a suggestion, not a statement.  You need to close your fantasy football legs from time time so you don't end up pushing out a prom night dumpster baby of a roster come Sacko Bowl season.  Sometimes no means no and that's ok. As an additional punishment for tanking the league last year-look forward to not so hidden Ed shit talks throughout each and every matchup's recap!

Can't wait until you finally start Matt Brieda so he can stop playing like this:

Either he starts to suck OR he will probably end up getting traded to Jay/ Tommy/ Larry for The Cardinals backup TE.  Because Ed, that's why.

Oh yeah, and Johnny E won this match up.  Good job Johnny E.

5.)

#6 Polk High Panthers (1-1) 111.9 pts

(Last Week- Lost to Mississippi Mud Butts 116.6-128)

#12 The Butt Fumblers (0-2) 74 pts

(Last Week- Lost to Bill Cosby's Sleeper Picks 78.3-85.1)

JR Says: 0 Barnburners!

Reunited and it feels so good!

Destiny awaits as Wirty and Ed are reunited at the bottom of the standings, except this time, we have Wirty playing the part of the power bottom.  If these sub 80 point finishes continue, we might have to hire Johnny Agnes to come over and sing the "Wirty Blues" for next draft.  The only positive angle of these first two weeks for Wirty is that he is looking up at 3 Old dudes ranked #1, 2, and 3.  That way if he ends up as Sacko and they end up winning they'll take it easy on his outfit.  We'll probably be looking at the Pink Helly Hensons or something equally as modest.  We already know what would happen if there is another Ed Sacko reign . . .

LET THERE BE ASSLESS CHAPS!

The biggest fantasy football question mark and potential nightmare fuel for a lot of our real- life football fandom lies in Josh Gordon:

If I were Fern I'd be offering some unrealistic trades to Ed since you already have this guy and Jul . . . NVM, let's just appreciate Diggs here:

Also, Nyheim Hines did a thing in one of his 5 touches throughout the first two weeks.  Good chance this is your last Nyheim Hines highlight so drink it in, it won't always go down smooth:

If Ed is the Arizona Cardinals of the league this year, then Wirty is quickly turning out to be their AFC cohort . . . you hate them, I hate them, The Buffalo Bills!

Outcome of this play BTW:

4.)

#3 Dickhead (2-0) 120.5 pts

(Last Week- Beat Lady Boy Jansson 128.1-92.7)

#8 Twatty (1-1) 99.4 pts

(Last Week- Beat Larry Villains 102.9-92.9)

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

RIP Delanie Walker's fantasy relevance.  We hardly knew ye.  It's only a matter of time until one of Dickhead's bitches gift him a Tight End.  ** Update: they did.

Good thing Dickhead was also gifted the 1st pick and did not use Lev Bell.  He has a one man wrecking crew solely responsible for his 2-0 start.

In an alternate timeline, Ed would have Gurley and be 2-0 and you'd be looking at the nothingness of Kerryon my wayward Johnson and Phillip Lindsay's backup Rolls Royce as Dickhead's starting RB's, wow that alternate timeline roster has such an Ed feel to it.

Also, if you were Ed you would have already traded Rodgers for a lower tiered QB, therefore relying on your last round "Ha Ha" pick to carry your team.

3.) 

#2 Land of the Lost (2-0) 138.2 pts

(Last Week- Beat Reverse Cow Girls 115-107.8 pts)

#9 Bill Cosby's Sleeper Picks (1-1) 110.2 pts

(Last Week- Beat Butt Fumblers 85.3-78.3)

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

We have Ernie in year 3 following the same bold strategy, expecting different results.

Living by the Jets

Eventually dying by the Jets.  Or heat exhaustion at Met Life Stadium.

At least it is safe to assume Ernie's calf's avoided sun burn.

It will all be a moot point as Ernie is right on pace to follow up this unbelievable winning streak with an inevitable 8 game losing streak to justtt knock himself out of playoff contention.

I do appreciate Tommy and Jay's amazing new "Hey Siri, what's a super funny original fantasy football team name that makes it look like I came up with it all by myself" name.

These past two weeks have Ed about to pull a Vontae Davis and retire at half time.

2.) 

#1 Skipler (2-0) 132.4 pts

(Last Week- beat Sope Pro 155.6-110.6)

#4 Mississippi Mud Butts (1-1) 111.1 pts

(Last Week- beat Polk High 128-116.6)

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Weeks' players did a bunch of things.

SKipler's player did a lot more things.  Skipler's Reich has officially returned.  It has been a few seasons since I have brought you this harrowing PSA, but as a league we must stand together to take down Skipler.  I have already failed you, my brothers in arms.  

Sope Productions = Czechoslovakia.  

Mississippi = Austria.  

Hopefully Fern doesn't follow suit as Poland- we all know what happens next to Poland.  To make matters worse Skipler has the #1 QB COnnor Mc Gregor to add to the league's highest scoring team.**Gulp.

Fun fact, Ed was THAT KID that couldn't figure out how to play Hot Cross Buns on recorder in elementary school.

1.)

#5 Sope Productions (1-1) 123.8 pts

(Last Week- Lost to Skipler 110.6- doesn't matter, a lot of points)

#10 Larry Villains (0-2) 117.7 pts

(Last Week- Lost to Twatty 92.9-102.9)

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

How could Larry lose after an AJ Green 3 TD performance on Thursday Night Football.

A Patrick Mahomes 6 pack of TDS, that's how!

Larry's face after the thought of a 0-2 start became a reality Tuesday morning.

I am going to refer to Larry as the Matt Patricia to my Bill Belichick.  He can study, follow, and even copy the Hopetriot way but when he's on his own the final product just does not look the same . . .

See you next week, and don't forget Ed sucks balls!