SACKO BOWL SEASON 7:

EDDY SACKO AND THE DEATHLY SWALLOWS

WEEK 1 RECAP

Week 1 High Scorer:

Larry Villains 135.4 pts

SACKO CIVIL WAR:

Old Fucks: 534.1 pts

Young Bucks: 550.0 pts

6.) #2 Dickhead (1-0) 120.7 pts > #11 Eddy Sacko (0-1) 66.0 pts

Full Wirty says: 0 BBCs!

Another year, another Ed attempt at enacting the "Open Concept" roster technique.  Let's see how it works this time.  Only Ed can take the unquestioned #1 player available and only put up 6 pts!  The only thing worse this week is that it took a natural disaster to stop his QB from playing, only to have his backup score a big time 1 point.  Don't ever change Ed.  Whether you like it or not your'e in this league for life, no one can takeurjerb.  

Another year, another go round of Dickhead touching the $ one week in.  Bold move D-Bag, let's see how it plays out, just like it did the year before that (1), the year before that (2), the year before that (3), the year before that (4), the year before that (5), the year before that (6).

5.)#4 Sope Pro (1-0) 88.4 pts > #12 Skipler (0-1) 55.2 pts

Full Wirty says: 0 BBC's

Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Skip went from The Patriots to Browns in a few short seasons.  What happened!? The only highlights of your entire weekend were Aaron Rodgers taking advantage of a free play to Nelson that resulted in shenanigans comparable to Eddy Sacko Trade Rape + the successful return of Beast Mode and you still only put up 55 total points.

As for Sope Pro, there was a win this week, but did I really win?  The league clearly has 2 Civil Wars going.  1: The Sacko Civil War, Youngs vs olds.  2: Those bummed about David Johnson's current predicament(me) VS those pointing and laughing at David Johnson's current predicament (everyone else).

Here is my official theme song for this season.  Learn it and love it:

                                      

4.)#1 Larry Villains (1-0) 135.4 pts > #7 Twatty (0-1) 96.1 pts

Full Wirty says: 0 BBC's!

** Commissioner's note:  For this part of the recap we have a ghostwriter.  Larry Villains will be taking over the segment.  For any others interested in any potential recap writing please submit your inquiries to suckmyballs@yourmomshouse.com .

WEEKLY HIGH SCORER:

Larry “Thunderlips” Villains

135.4

# 1 Larry Villains (1-0) 135.4 pts > #7 T Watty 96.1 Pts

JR Says: If he had a dime for every time this was close to being a barn burner....

My My My have the tables have turned. Week 1 last year:

Allen Robinson completely shit the bed for Larry in 2016. It looks like he will be laying in bed for the entire 2017 for T Watty. Larry “Thunderlips” Villains fell into the annual Hope shenanigans by dealing for Spencer Ware and moving back in the first round. Ultimately to lose Spencer Ware for the year while Sope Productions winds up with Kareem Hunt. Sope Productions then attempted to trade LeGarrette Blount….

… for Rams defense which was denied. The gods of Karma rewarded Larry Villains with Rams defense giving painal to the Colts offense. With Danny Amendola also getting injured it looks like T Watty will be finding their next starter on the waiver wire. If Stefon Diggs doesn’t continue to be the modern day Chris Carter it looks like Ed will have real competition this season. I look forward to us splitting the Sacko Balls in half so Gary and Michael can carry it with them at all times. This explains how Larry “Thunderlips” Villains handled the former champion:

3.)#3 Polk High Panthers (1-0) 106.6 pts > 
#9 Mississippi Mud Butts 83.2 pts

Full Wirty says: 0 BBC's!

Let's be real for a second.  This was a very slow week in terms of Full Wirty's BBC's.  We are going to take a moment to rejoice because NFL celebrations are back in full force.  This makes my job here way easier.  I will commemorate this glorious moment by blowing my load in GIFs all in one shot here:

2.) #5 The Butt Fumblers (1-0) 87.9 pts >

#10 Suck my Clinton Dix (0-1) 70.4 pts

Full Wirty says: 0 BBC's !

                                 

This loss was probably more offensive to Tommy than changing  "Barn burners" to "Broken Beach Chairs" for the week in honor of one of the most legendary stupors that I have ever witnessed is to Wirty!

Spoilers!

1.) #6 Land of the Lost (1-0) 87.5 pts

#8 Reverse Cow Girls (0-1) 87.4 pts

Drunk Wirty Says:  ALL THE BROKEN BEACH CHAIRS!!!

.1 Point!!! 1 yard!  The size of 1 Sope Vacation poop!  How does this even happen?  Talk about devastating shot to Johnny E.

As for Ernie, he is right on track to start the season 6-0, before he inevitably loses 7 in a row to finish 6-7 and miss the playoffs.