SACKO BOWL SEASON 7:

EDDY SACKO AND THE DEATHLY SWALLOWS

WEEK 3 RECAP

This is going to be a shallow week seeing as how work is crazy and my hands are shaking due to maybe/ possibly receiving a PD call.  To make up for it I have added a bunch of gifs of large people either DOMINATING or getting DOMINATED.

Week 3 High Score: 

Suck My Clinton-Dix 135.2 pts

Sacko Civil War Update:

Olds: 1,709.3 pts

Youngs: 1,737.5 pts

6.) #2 The Butt Fumblers (3-0) 115.9 pts

#5 Land of the Lost (2-1) 55.4 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

For some strange reason Ernie benched A-Aron Rodgers and started 2 TE's.  To each their own, but C'Mon Man!

"Stupid fuckin call, stupid fuckin call"

Don't look now but Full Wirty is 3-0!

5.) #11 Skipler (1-2) 119.5 pts

#10 Polk High Panthers (1-2) 63.5 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Skip is alive!  All those Russell Wilson points while playing behind a phantom O-Line.

Seriously look at this picture, they look like a bad Madden Glitch:

4.) #8 Twatty (1-2) 128.8 pts 

#9 Reverse Cow Girls (1-2) 79.5 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Team Twatty has always been the retirement home for Over- The - Hill fantasy football players who are well past their prime.  This week, sweet fantasy death visited the Twatty Old Age Home yet again: 

3.)#4 Mississippi Mud Butts (2-1) 99.2 pts

#6 Larry Villains (1-2) 81.0 pts

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

Some stuff happened here:

Followed by some more stuff.  SMB.

It has been a long two weeks since Larry was a self proclaimed Fantasy Beast in the league.  You know how that goes, you get too pumped after Week 1 you touch the :

2.) #7 Suck my Clinton Dix (1-2) 135.2 pts

#10 Lady Boy Jansson (0-3) 121.0 pts

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

This was the most Ed moment in the history of Ed being Ed.  He has his best week of the year (by far) but he waits until the week he plays the high scorer to exhibit this fire power.  It is safe to assume the momentum will not carry over to next week when he loses 45- 72.

1.) #1 Sope Pro (3-0) 115.3 pts

#3 Dickhead (2-1) 105.1 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

Let's paint the picture of how this match up ended . . .

It's Monday Night and Sope leads by 5 points with newly acquired Dak Prescott (in a move that spared Dak from hitting the waiver wire) remaining.  Zeke drive the field putting the team on his back.  And then. . . 

Ka- Kaw: Vulture!

It isn't over, Zeke is back at it again.  He is cruising through the red zone.  A plunge TD is inevitable, until . . .

Ka-Kaw!! Vulture again!

After the smoke cleared and Sope came out on top, you'd be crazy to think Dickhead would not accept defeat and just walk away.  As expected we were treated to a bunch of this:

SACKO BOWL SEASON 7:

EDDY SACKO AND THE DEATHLY SWALLOWS

WEEK 2 RECAP

High Scorer: Land of The Lost- 124.3 pts

Sacko Civil War Update:

Old bucks: 1,105.2 pts

Young fucks: 1,122.3 pts

The off season rust is clear, it is time to start insulting you bitches!

6.) #8 Mississippi Mud Butts (1-1) 94.0 pts

#12 Skipler (0-2) 55.8 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

God damn Skip.  This keeps getting uglier and uglier.  At this point you are bringing down the overall average of Team Saggy Balls in the Sacko Civil War.  If there was a knockout pool for the Sacko League a good bet would be taking whoever plays Skipler week in and week out.  Ed is going to start getting jealous with all the negative attention you are receiving this early season.  The team may be run by Skip but their Sacko chances are still real to me dammit! 

Marshawn Lynch might be the only bright spot here.  Quick! Sell to Johnny E so you can consolidated into one team and ditch this dumpster fire you call a roster while you're ahead!

Weeks did some stuff here too:

5.) #7 Reverse Cow Girls (1-1) 102.4 pts

# 11 Lady Boy Jansson (0-2) 72.5

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Lost in all of the fantasy football shit-talk, we forgot to highlight an amazing life event for our current Sacko Loser Ed's. In what I am sure will add to weekly ammo for banter in this recap, Ed has lost a shit-ton of weight.  Some would have thought this was never possible.  What is his secret you ask?  DDP yoga?  Cutting out BIG TOBACCO? Cutting out BIG GLUTEN? No!  In order to lose that much weight Ed had to break the space-time continuum:

Here is a live look in on Ed's current weight:

Alright, enough being "nice".  This is supposed to be a mentally abusive relationship here.  Time to go back to making fun of Ed's fantasy team for sucking and his real life team for sucking just as much:

Ed = the defender/ The ball = Good fantasy players/ 

Zach Ertz= everyone in the league not named Ed:

Ed's fantasy team's best play of the week:

Too good not to share:

Giant's Fan Weekly Digest (this was a puke-covered fight FYI!):

Oh yeah, Johnny E won this match up.  Somehow this recap is just vibing towards the shitty un-wiped bottom of the league.

I now present you Taco making Taco's on our Taco's recap:

4.) #4 The Butt Fumblers (2-0) 117.7 pts

#6 Polk High Panthers (1-1) 84.0 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Wirty is somehow 2-0 after harboring some key Bengals players.  Here is an outlook on their season so far:

Also, we cannot let Wirty get away too easily without making note of his hypocritical choice of QB.  Since I do not have him on my roster I fell comfortable sharing this:

Wirty has a big match up coming next week vs fellow 2-0 geezer Ernie.

Fern you get off easy here.  The key takeaway here is that if you make trades with me I won't treat you half as bad as Dickhead, Wirty, Ed, or Skip.

3.)#1 Dickhead (2-0) 95.3 pts

#10 Twatty (0-2) 74.7 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Speaking of 2-0 match ups, there is another big one next week for Dickhead against fellow 2-0 Sope Pro.  THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE DICK!   I would love to make fun of DICKHEAD SRs. entire roster in advance of the upcoming week 3 grudge match but I'll start small with his Defense, shacking up with with the Skipler Dolphins against the beloved corpse of the NY Jets because #GodHatesJags.

Almost didn't realize that this was a Superbowl rematch from last year.  Sadly enough Twatty probably, maybe, possibly, could have won if they JUST KEPT BRADY!

If team Twatty is going through a Superbowl Hangover (which looks like the case here) then they are currently at the part of the hangover during the next morning at Watts house waiting in line at 6AM for the bathroom to take a heavy morning puke after a trip to Bamboo Bernies/ Myst/ or even VELLLOURRRRR.  

On some positive news, Gronk had his 69th career TD before his glass body inevitably shattered yet again:

As for some additional "always look on the bright-side of life" news, after an 0-2 dim start, Kansas City's Defense is merking everybody out there, no one is safe!

  

2.) #2 Land of the Lost (2-0) 124.3 pts

#9 Suck my Clinton-Dix (0-2) 103.8 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Here is Michael Bennett of the Seahawk's D showing pride for how many wins SmCD has on the season:

Your team is too good to be 0-2 . . . learn how to set a lineup!!!

Ernie still on pace for 6-7.

1.) #3 Sope Productions (2-0) 118.9 pts

#5 Larry Villains (1-1) 99.2 pts

JR Says: 1 (sympathy) Barn Burner!

Jim Ross' Reaction!!!! (click here)

Call me "The Unsullied" because I am winning this war without a Johnson!

Luckily for me D Johnson is old news and I have this little fella, isn't he adorable?

Sope wins the battle of douschey tight ends here:

Just when you are feeling yourself and getting pumped on your team, Sope will be there to bring you back down to Earth.  I like to look at myself as this league's Punisher and Larry is Kim Jong Dong.