Sacko Bowl Episode 6:

The Return of Ed's Brown Eye

Week 1 Recap!

Weekly High Scorer:

Mississippi Mud Butts (Weeks)

137.1 pts

Age War (Sacko Civil War):

Youngs - 639.5 pts

BHope

Weeks

Tommy

Ed

Fern 

Larry

Olds - 693.5 pts

Skipler

Ernie

JE

Wirty

EJ

Watts

I normally wouldn't do this, but I want to start off this season with a bit of a eulogy if you will.  It doesn't take a detective to notice that the lineup in our fantasy league is not the same this year as it was last year.  As steady as the league has been there is just one thing missing.  

With true happiness in my heart, I want you to join me in saying goodbye.

RIP Skinny Rex Ryan

Now this is all real life and not made up. . . 

I don't know if you have heard about this yet but ROB Ryan had to have his lap-band removed. So in a sign of true solidarity- REX had his removed as well.  He's back baby!  Fat Rex is back and here to stay!  

After all the BS we went through with Yahoo screwing us, then the ESPN draft app not working at last year's draft, to the indifference between what app we should use for this season- ESPN hit a new low this week  and I'm surprised EJ didn't try and use this for his own personal shenanigan gains. . .

Now on to the reviews of your shitty fantasy football teams!

6.) #5 Dickhead (1-0) 115.7 pts > 

                       #12 Lady Boy Fartassian (0-1) 77.1 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Here we have Ed picking up right where he left off last season, and the season before that, and the season before etc etc.  It's a tale as old as time.  Ed has a high pick and gets rid of it one way or another followed by a drafts worth of other bad decisions, you turn the page- you wash your hand (Filbert voice).  

What I'm trying to say is that Ed = The Cleveland Browns of The Sacko FF League:

This week Ed put up even less of a fight than his 2016 WR1 did vs his 2015 WR1 (and yes, it's about to get very gay in here, way to kick the 2016 Recaps off I say!  Would you have it any other way!?)

You know that wasn't going to be all the gay you'e getting in this post.  I don't want to upset Ernie in his first recap.

Sooner than later, after all of the online trolling Ed is PROBABLY going to take a knee during the national anthem to protest and he's not even black!  EDSKANKHUNT42

5.) #2 Butt Fumblers (1-0) 125.9 pts >

                                    #11 Beats by Ray (0-1) 88.1 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

This was a match up of two outdated team names and unfortunately only one team could lose.  Wirty hands out an ass thumping that would make Ed super jelly.

Enjoy the time now Wirty.  The dark cloud will strike eventually.  I can already see the sweet stat line that Josh Gordon will put up when he is reinstated before he is inevitably suspended again the following week:

4.) #1 Mississippi Mud Butts (1-0) 137.1 pts >

                               #9 Polk High Panthers (0-1) 100.5 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

You would think that Polk High would be one of the preseason favorites with the bold off season trades- but don't forget, Weeks would be the 2015 Champ if it wasn't for "Big" D David Johnson metaphorically slinging cream all over Week's face in the semis. . . Never forget Weeks, Never forget!

The stage was set for Gurley to take over on the late Monday Night Football game and drop a Big D 40 burger on Weeks that would have clearly triggered Week's PTFSD from last year.  Instead, Gurley was about the 9th most efficient runner on the field:

The bright side is that Polk High still has this:

And Big Ben:

Whose offense apparently can't do anything wrong:

3.) #4 Land of the Lost (Ernie) (0-1) 116.2 pts >

                          #10 Reverse Cow Girls (0-1)97.3 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

This matchup pitted Taco 2.0 vs OT. . . Original Taco.

It's kind of like Terminator 2 when the new and Improved Taco T 1000 is on the hunt for old reliable Taco T 800 (Awnold!).

Ernie starts his tenure as our new Taco with a big win but almost lost his prized off season acquisition in the process:

Overall though, Ernie did let them sway this week whether it was his choices or not:

I'm just going to go ahead and leave this here about the inequality of this post since Land of the Lost is technically a joint owned team:

2.) #5 Twatty (1-0) 114.2 pts >

                                 #8 Larry Rocks (0-1) 112.8 pts

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

This one probably should have been the week's main event based on how it came down to Deangelo Williams on Monday Night Football but just like Watt's bank losing your investment funds Larry had his chance, got real close.  ANDDDDD IT'S GONE!

This Twatty victory was made possible by a last minute QB addition after a certain keeper was ruled out of the 1st 4 games for deflated balls but still somehow showed up on the field:

Larry Rocks continuing his annual tradition of getting off to a hot start.

ANDD YOUR MAIN EVENT FOR THE WEEEEEEEK:

1.) #3 Make America Skipler Again (1-0) 124.5 pts >

                                #7 Sope Productions (0-1) 123.9 pts

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

It took 2 sprained ankle and a shredded ACL but Skipler got it done. 

This is e while I'm typing this right now and seeing that no stat changes affect the outcome of this match up:

But really this match up is the opening season kickoff Thursday night football for the Sacko League even though everyone else only cares about it for Sacko Civil Age War purposes.  This match up had the league looking like this:

Enjoy this one Skipler because everything went right for you this time around you jerk . . .