SACKO BOWL SEASON 7:

EDDY SACKO AND THE DEATHLY SWALLOWS

Week 10/11/12 Recap

but really

Playoff/ Sacko Bowl Preview

Week 10 HS - Twatty 149.1 pts

Week 11 HS - Skipler 136.0 pts

Week 12 HS - Skipler 132.4 pts

Sacko Civil War Update:

Team Colonoscopy: 6,962.5 pts

Non Dousches: 7,214.1 pts

6.) #11 Eddy Sacko (3-9) 103.4 pts

#7 Dickhead (6-6) 70.3 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

I am just going to go ahead and start the recap with this pic:

Back to the match up, some might call it poetic justice, but this was more of a tea bagging than anything else.  Dickhead SEB this time and with potential devastating effect.

Eddy Outlook: Clinched Sacko playoff berth.  We have a rare Sacko Bye preview next week when #11 Eddy Sacko plays #12 Taco Enoksen.  Pretend to be excited, because it is not very exciting.  Over/Under in Vegas would be 105 points combined for this match up.  Ed can escape a Sacko Bye with a Win next week PLUS an Ernie (Land of The Lost) Loss or a Twatty Loss while outscoring Twatty by 46 pts.  Yeah, let's keep it that you just need Ernie to lose. 

Dickhead Outlook:  Holds tiebreaker over all 7-5 teams but only needs to jump one of them via a Loss to get in.  Next closest 7-5 team in points is Larry Villains with 35 less points.  It does come down to a Win next week vs Twatty in  a Superbowl rematch and you'll basically be in as two 7-5 teams (Mississippi Mud Butts and Skipler) play each other and one has to lose.  That is, unless they tie.  A loss here and a Sacko Mike-Hunting you will go.

5.) #8 Suck my Clinton-Dix (6-6) 109.6 pts

#1 The Butt Fumblers (9-3) 80.1 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Tommy/ Jay sure made things interesting for playoff positioning with a win vs the "Top" team.  Wirty is still somehow someway in 1st and even more surprisingly in 1st after dropping Keenan Allen in this season's RTARD MOVE OF THE YEAR!

SmCD Outlook: Still alive.  Barely, but alive.

How to make the Playoffs:

1- Win vs Ernie (easiest part by far)

2- Larry must lose and outscore Larry by 30 points.

OR

Dickhead AND Weeks must both lose

OR

Dickhead must lose AND Skip must lose AND you must outscore Skip by 10 points

Wirty Outlook: Clinched Playoff berth.  Would be set for a 1st round bye but has WAY less points than Sope and 23 less points than PHP so it is a possibility to be leapfrogged by both teams by posting a Loss combined with a Sope and Polk High Win and not outscoring PHP by 23 points.  Basically Wirty needs a Win or a loss and a Sope loss to clinch a 1st round bye.

4.) #12 Reverse Cow Girls (3-9) 110.5 pts

#10 Land of The Lost (4-8) 85.8 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Although it was not as dramatic this time around, Ernie followed through with another Epic 2nd half collapse. It has just been that kind of season.

For every good thing:

Something bad happens:

 Johnny E aka the Roster Mule really fell from grace this season.  It is going to be really unfortunate displaying the Sacko Trophy thanks to helping your buddies with "trades".

RCG Outlook: Dead last.  Neck in neck with Ed to see who is this year's Ed.  Needs a Win vs Ed next week and an Ernie loss in order to escape a Sacko bye.  Here is hoping that JE and Ed tie and both get stuck with byes, because comedy.  

Ernie:  Clinched Sacko berth.  Simple equation here.  Win and you are safe from a Sacko bye.  Lose and you are inevitably getting a sacko bye (unless Ed and JE tie).  

3.) #4 Larry Villains (7-5) 109.8 pts

#9 Twatty (4-8) 102.1 pts 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

Well, if you were ever wondering why late season "I'll give you my 2nd round pick next year because you are already torpedoing the season, Ed" trades technically are not a thing and really shouldn't be a thing at all just ask Twatty about this one.  The results would look way different if it weren't for Leveon Bell's involvement.

It has been a lackluster Championship defense year for good Old Gwatty.

Twatty outlook:  Clinched Sacko playoff berth.  Has the most points out of the bottom 4 teams (both 4-8 and 3-9).  To get a Sacko bye, Twatty would have to lose next week vs Dickhead in the Superbowl Re Re match.  Ed would need to beat Johnny E and outscore Twatty this week by 40+ points.  Who am I kidding, you are not reading this far.  Just beat Dickhead. 

Larry Villains Outlook:  Win vs Sope and you'll make the playoffs.  To miss the playoffs, you need to lose AND Dickhead needs to win AND Tommy/Jay need to win and outscore Larry by 30 points.  So your'e saying there's a chance?

2.) #5 Skipler (7-5) 132.4 pts

#2 Sope Pro (8-4) 124.9 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

4 game Win streak puts Skipler right in the middle of the playoff picture. 

     

Goddamn Kamara.  Sope of course gets 2nd highest score after an early game Julio Jones throttling, only to lose to the highest scorer.  And I didn't even get to touch the money. 

Sope Outlook: Clinched playoff berth.  Can clinch a first round bye with a win and can go as high as #1 with a Wirty loss against PHP.

Skipler Outlook: To make the playoffs, needs a W next week vs Mississippi Mud Butts in a pivotal 7-5 vs 7-5 last week match up.  If Skipler losses, he can still make the playoff if 2 of the 3 happens:

1- Larry losses, and Skip outscores Larry by 23 points.

2- Dickhead losses.

3- Tommy losses OR Tommy wins but scores with 7 points less than Skipler.

1.) #3 Polk High Panthers (8-4) 117.4 pts 

#6 Mississippi Mud Butts (7-5) 114.4 pts

JR Says:  3 Barn Burners!

At least Zay Jones is a thing now:

The Polk High Browns have been streaking while MMB is the classic "I'm not dead yet!" story of the league this year.

PHP Outlook: Clinched playoff berth.  Can snag a 1st round bye with a win vs Wirty next week.  Can go as low ats the 6th seed with a loss based on a lot of specific scenrarios that personally I don't feel like diving into this late in the recap.

MMB Outlook: Currently clinging to the final playoff spot.  A win next week vs 7-5 Skipler and MMB is in the playoffs.   A lose, and then MMB realistically needs both Dickhead and Tommy/Jay to lose Or have Dickhead lose and Tommy/Jay win but still score 37 less points than MMB.   

  

We

SACKO BOWL SEASON 7:

EDDY SACKO AND THE DEATHLY SWALLOWS

WEEK 8+9 RECAP

Week 8 HS:

Sope Productions - 109.8 pts (somehow)

Week 8 Sacko Civil War Update:

Owners: 4,697.9 pts

Kneelers: 4,545.8 pts

Week 9 HS: 

Larry Villains - 136.2 pts (That's more like it!)

Week 9 Sacko Civil War Update:

Wardens: 5,297.6 pts

Inmates: 5,109.7 pts

2 weeks of catching up to do.  Going to try and make this one quick!

Week 8 Recap:

6.) #1 Sope Pro (7-1) 109.8 pts

#11 Eddy Sacko (2-6) 95.1 pts

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

Sope Pro keeps rolling along backpedaling through the regular season.

Meanwhile, Ed's roster continues to be the prime location for where Fantasy (and real life!) careers go to die.  No, not like Twatty's retirement home roster, more so in the devastating hex kind of way:

5.) #8 Larry Villains (3-5) 81.6 pts

#7 Suck my Clinton-Dix (3-5) 71.7 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn burners!

Openly trading draft picks mid season is one of 2 ways to upset the Fantasy Football gods other than direct collusion.  Just because you can, doesn't mean you always should.  

Anyway, Larry gets a freebie here and the fantasy football gods continued their wrath, smiting Zach Ertz the following week.

4.) #3 Dickhead (5-3) 99.9 pts

#12 Reverse Cowgirls (2-6) 91.4 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn burners!

Join forces to keep Dickhead out of the top 2 so he has to start the playoffs without Zeke!

Remember how I said there were 2 ways to piss off the fantasy football gods other than direct collusion?  Well #2 is complaining and bitching and moaning about every move that doesn't involve you.  You're a grown man for Jeebus sake!

I am going to go as far as giving you a lesson in Shenanigans . . . next week . . .which really means a few lines down. . .

3.)#2 The Butt Fumblers (7-1)

#10 Skipler (3-5) 

JR Says: 2 Barn burners!

Apparently all Marshawn needed to get his grove was to run over some HS kids while being suspended while SURELY breaching his NFL contract on many levels.  I'm sure Skip benched him in his bounce back week and I am double sure that he will start him week 10 when Marshawn rushes for 15 yards on 14 carries in this week's edition of Fantasy Football Go Fuck Yourself!  **Spoliers** I can verify one of the two statements are correct.

God the internet really missed out on a thing.  It could have had Russell Wilson randomly appearing playing the air flute violently in famous GIFs.  You can't have it all, I guess.

2.) #4 Mississippi Mud Butts (5-3) 100.9 pts

#6 Land of the Lost (4-4) 93.9 pts

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

 

Where one falls, another will always rise.  By that I am referring to eccentric black wide receivers.  I was worried about the lack of sideline shenanigans with OBJ out for the year but bless you Weeks, you already found his replacement and I am all in on JUJU WATCH!!

Ernie put up some points this week but still not enough to keep up.

1.) #9 Twatty (3-5) 104.9 pts 

#5 Polk High Panthers (4-4) 102.7

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

Although this recap is 2 weeks late, the wounds are still fresh and I wouldn't let this glaring scar on Fern's lineup sneak by.

I need you to play Sarah Mclachlan Sad Unadopted Puppies/ Dead Full Bill's memorial music in your head now:

"I Will remember you?"

"Will you rmemeber me??

Let Polk High's roster woes (separate from his injury woes) serve as a PSA to you all.  If you make a trade, be ready for the 2 day review period.  Those players will not help you after their game kicks off!

Week 9 Recap

The "What are Shenanigans Edition"

6.) #3 Mississippi Mud Butts (6-3) 84.1 pts

#11 Eddy Sacko (2-7) 67.3 pts

JR Says:  0 Barn Burners!

IT'S

WATCHHHHH!

Our boy Juju is off the streets and into a new car.  It has been a whirlwind few weeks of emotion for everybody's new favorite player.  I love the new and improved OBJ so much better personally.  He was off to a great start by not having Douschey bleach- blonde curls in his hair.

But I digress.

Juju lost his bicycle, got it back.

Shut down a massively internet-famous porn star.

Learned how to drive from an American Hero.

Vote JUJU as your fill in for this year's Fantasy Football blog MVP!

Watch this dumb baby cry as Ted Ginn tries to give him a TD ball.  Stupid baby, don't you know you are a Saints fan.  Maybe he is smarter than I am giving his tiny toddler brain credit for and he is actually freaking out about the giant sausage fingers of the living breathing Stranger Danger Alert behind him who is trying to pull the ball away from the 2 year old.  But why is a 2 year old even at the game?  Ahhh so many questions but I don't really care about any of them. 

Also, lets watch Jameis Winston's pregame speech that obviously precluded a blowout thrashing becauase who exactly would get pumped up by something like this?  Are W's not a part of Ed's diet?  Is this why he lost so much weight??

Is this Shenanigans?  The answer is yes!  Actually, yes twice:

It is shenanigans that the Giants were ever proclaimed the best team in NY and it is also shenanigans that NFL teams do not tank for draft picks at this point of the season. Look at this debauchary on 3rd and 33!

Also a fantasy football game happened, Weeks won, Ed lost but who really cares about that.

5.) #8 Skipler (4-5) 99.3 pts

#9 Land of the Lost (4-5) 57.2 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Is it shenaigans?  YES!

The good old fashioned diversion Shenanigan, displayed here, was nailed to a T!  Shenanigans come in all shapes and sizes, remember that.  It is just unfortunate for Skipler that there are over 400,000 running video cameras at each and every NFL game (doubt that #?  you won't look it up, so carry on.) and that is why Skip will be without his top WR in a juicy match up next week.  Against Ernies . . . 

JETS!

(That segway made me moist)

In a year where the Jets are actually fantasy relevant, only Ernie can pick out just enough of them to keep his team fantasy irrelevant.

4.) #6 Larry Villains (4-5) 136.2 pts

#2 The Butt Fumbers (7-2) 107.1 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Speaking of top wide outs getting suspended.  IS IT SHENANIGANS!?

Yes and No!  No it isn't shenanigans because AJ had it coming after what Jalen Ramsey probably said about HIS MOMMA.  Yes, it is shenanigans because The Butt Fumblers should PROBABLY be without their top WR this week but you can't win them all, sometimes the bad guys do win.

IS IT SHENANIGANS!  You tell me!

Everything about this fucking play is shenanigans!  In a week where Larry is the highest scorer, I guess anything goes now.  Who even needs rules or point totals to win anymore.  Fuck you.  

3.) #5 Polk High Panthers (5-4) 100.2 pts

#12 Reverse Cow Girls (2-7) 93.1 pts

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

Fern is sneakily 5-4 after some successful moves:

However, in this week's edition of Fantasy Footbal Go Fuck Yourself, he benched this guy only to (most likely) start him this week, where he will surely rush 9 times for -2 yards to go with 1 catch for 1 yard OR taer his ACL.  Pick your poison.

Damn, I probably should have traded a waiver WR for Ajayi from Fern back when I probably could have got him before he was traded away by the loathsome dolphins (Only threw that jab in there because I know it would make Dickhead tittylated with rage)

This gif is the only mention I will make of Taco's team this week and it fits perfectly:

2.) #7 Suck my Clinton-Dix (4-5) 97.5 pts

#4 Dickhead (5-4) 94.8 pts 

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

Not even Starvin Marvin Jone's heroic effots on Monday night could seal this one . . .

In two weeks loaded with Barn Burners, this could have easily been the best one, it was painfully close but here is where the Shenanigans kick back in.  I am not writing that much about the matchup.  Dickhead loses another close one to fall to 5-4 and lost his RB1A after losing his RB1B.  The Fantasy God never lie!

1.) #1 Sope Productions (8-1) 114.4 pts 

#10 Twatty (3-6) 112.4 pts

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

And now, the moral of the story.  Shenanigans come in all shapes and sizes as I previously mentioned and told you to remember, DO YOU MEMBER!? However, you always run a major risk when partaking in shenanigans.  If they blow up in your face, you look like a major jackass turd sandwich and will have the entire internet (in Lewis below's case) or the entire league (in Dickhead's case) pointing and laughing at you.  In conclusion, do not trade a middle of the pack Defense for a top 3 QB in a clear act of collusion and think you can get away with it and then throw a man-child esque hissy- fit because it got vetoed  and start offering half-assed shenanigan laden trades that you know simple Ed will accept even though, as I explained to him, the trade wasn't "Real-Life" but everyone really knows the man-baby fit stems from your team quickly deteriorating.  Holy run-on sentences Bat Dad!

**Catches breath**

That was held in for a few weeks.

Anyway, this was a close one.  Twatty sucks.

Sope almost sucked.

But in the end, Sope rules!