Week 2 Recap!

To give into your already growing maple fever:

Buckle up Buckaroos!

Week 2 High Scorer:

Team Weeks (WEEK) (1-1)Mike Weeks

133.0 pts

We have a Michael Weeks sighting.  Nice team name you fuckin ding dong.

Sacko Civil War Week 2:

Team Sacko: 1,321.00 pts

Team Skipler: 1,216.10 pts

Only order of biznitch tonight is a phone list.  I had a few requests that I text out a list with everyone's phone numbers to try and resurrect the stagnant trade market.  So I vote yes.  1 out of 1 votes needed to pass this.  I will send out the list once I publish this.  You have a problem with that? Woo! Woo! Woo! You hear that?! That’s the sound of Twenty Fifteen pulling you over, people! Suck it! *drops the mic*

6.) #2 Polkhigh Panthers (2-0) 131.0 pts >

#9 Butt Fumblers (1-1) 78.4 pts

JR Says: 1 Snowy Log Cabin  (Whaaamp wammp)

It is almost as if Wirty thought to himself before this one "Wow, I am really jealous of that giant trophy carousel of soggy cum buckets that Ed has in his living room right now, how come my sacko balls were not as exciting when I was the ultimate LOSER?  Guess I am going to have to do my damndest to get back to the promised land."

I hate to recycle jokes from the previous week but The Butt Fumbler's really got Hot Cosbied here, he was looking for a slow Cosby and was treated to this:

and this:

No means no Fern!

(I am being overly nice to your players now to see if they flop this week)

5.) #7 Team Weeks (1-1) 133.0 pts > #9 Skipler (0-2) 96.4 pts

JR Says: . . .

Fuck it, JR is still on vacation after that last shitty matchup:

0 Barn Burners!

Skipler with the slow start AGAIN.  Popeye needs his spinach!

The only dousche with the generic team name takes the high score this week.  That name really is very Mike Weeks though.  Not because it is team Weeks.  Because it is a default name for the one guy who could not be bothered to take 15.0 seconds out of his life to put a fancy name that goes along with a creative picture.  Hell, dickhead does it multiple times a week!  Show some initiative you Dirty Dick.

Skipler can take one positive out of this week,  The only positive after back to back weeks of getting knocked around is the fact that his starting Quarterback is big and black and did not shatter both kneecaps on this play:

Sign Peyton Manning up for a Negroplasty and then you will really be talking.  That would be insane.  Frankenstein's monster would have nothing on him.  The KKK wouldn't be the only group of people chasing that monster with pitchforks.

While I am on the topic of what Skip should be happy for, I can't stay positive for too long.  Here is what Week's should be sad for:

Double Ow, because he is a Niner's fan and that is the only Niner's player who has shown a pulse (sit down Torrey Smith, you catch one deep pass twice a year, everyone runs to get you and then you fuck them.  You fuck them right to death!)

4.) #5 Gwatty (1-1) 109.7 pts > #12 Dickhead (0-2) 93.0 pts 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY JOINT FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM OWNERS get their first win!  Gary and Watts are truly trend setters starting, what I think will catch on as a trend, with a couples draft.  With the 1st overall pick Eric and Deb choose TOM BRADY:

Speaking of Ambiguously gay duos

()

I saw something this weekend that reminded me of them and as coincidence has it, he was on team Gwatty!

Sing it with me!  "They are fighting all evil that comes our way- They're AMBIGUOUSLY GAY!!"

Things are looking up for Team Gwatty, except for the fact that your 2 best WR's are slot receivers!  Yes, I am slot shaming you right now!

Now don't think I am going away with out shinning the spotlight on this year's Sacko Darling and soon to be Byron Sope beer bitch. . .
That's right EJ/ Dickhead, this year's official Sacko Darling.  While you thought you had the upper hand with me as your beer bitch, it was I that was the true master of Shenanigans.  You might have noticed feeling a little loopy and having to retire to bed early.  It wasn't just the beer but something extra that caused you to make such shitty drunk draft choices MWHAHAHAHAHA!

3.) #1 Reverse Cow Hulks (2-0) 107.4 pts >

#8 Skipler's Faggy Fartassian (1-1) 95.4 pts

JR Says: 1 Barn Burner!

The self- proclaimed "Year of Ed" hits an expected snag early this season.  

Red Hulk Wins and is #1, BUT AT WHAT COST?????

And did you see Jason Witten's injury report? 

Cowboys TE Jason Witten suffers multiple injuries in win

by Rotowire Staff | Special to CBSSports.com

Cowboys tight end Jason Witten (ankle) suffered two sprained ankles and a sprained knee during Sunday's win over the Eagles, NFL on ESPN reports.

Witten played through the injuries, catching seven passes for 56 yards on eight targets. Even if the injuries aren't serious, Witten's value took a big hit Sunday afternoon, with Tony Romo (broken clavicle) expected to miss 8-to-10 weeks, ESPN's Adam Schefter reports.

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I picture Ed's house on Football Sunday to be just like Ruxin's blind spot from the league.  Vicky takes the kids out of the house for the day and and Ed haves at it, just right in the middle of the living room.  If you ever find yourself there for a Football Sunday, be careful with what beer you drink, in case Ed ran out of hand towels!

Ed's VINEGAR STROKES + THE SACKO TROPHY =

FOREVER UNCLEAN!!!

2.) #3 Sope Productions (2-0) 95.2 pts >

#6 Just Chill (1-1) 87.9

JR Says: 2 Barn Burners!

Let's all take a second to revisit a rough period of time for Larry from this past Monday Night:

Larry right now:

 

That one was stressful for a minute there.  But realistically, fantasy football stress is something that white people invented because we don't have real problems.

This one was like a game of Dick Chicken.  Now remember, it takes 2 dicks to chicken.  When facing down the head of a Sope penis, Larry backed down, thus losing the game of Dick Chicken, Fantasy Football, and because of the other two. . . life.  Next time it will be on like DONG KONG.

In other news, this week Ammer Abdullah declared Jihad on your week's point total.

You may have had a bad week Lawrence, but things will look up next.  All you have to do is 

BO- LIEVE!!!!!!

1.) #4 Victorious Secret (1-1) 99.3 pts > 

#11 Beats By Ray (0-2) 97.0 pts

JR Says: 3 Barn Burners!

Tommy shows up on the wrong side of two 3- Barn Burner match ups in a row.  He is like the fantasy equivalent of the Real Life New York Giants.  If Skip needs Gout medicine to recover, then Tommy needs this:

Yes, the Jet's D is studly.  Yes, Andrew Luck looked like crap on Monday.  But he was jussstttt adequate enough to wrap up the W for VS.

I am a very multi- talented man.  I can commission fantasy football leagues and write recaps.  But I bet you did not know that I am psychic.  Let me rub my crystal balls and see what is in store for the future:

Embrace the silvery shiny balls.  Become one with the silver balls.

It is your destiny . . .

Week 1 Recap!!!!

How pumped are you that motha fuckin football is back!!!????

Wooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Right to biznitch, but we'll try and keep this PC alright bro!?

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.....

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This weeks high scorer Taco Enoksen 141.8 points.

(Team Sacko's 1st round draft pick!)

SACKO CIVIL WAR WEEK 1. . .

A Keg of CRAFT beer and a night of BEER BITCHING is on the line:

Team Sacko (Me/Ed/ Holly/ Weeks / Larry/ Taco)

702.5 Points

Team Skipler (Skipler/ EJ/ Fern/ Tommy/ Wirty/ Gwatts)

610.5 Points

A very important note that I have to mention although most (probably all) have not noticed.  You may have noticed a change in your team's scoring this week.  Somehow I (really ESPN) fucked the scoring up.  Instead of having true partial points, the scoring only goes up in 0.5 increments (meaning 9 yards = 0 pts instead of 0.9 pts)  Thank the lord baby Jesus that did not affect this week's matchups before I noticed.  There was only 1 close matchup (which ended up with a STAT CORRECTION VICTORY MAH GAWD (spoilers for those actually reading)).  I did the math and there would have been about a .9 difference had there been true partial scoring like in years past.  The SUPER EPIC STAT CHANGE happened and there was still a 1.0 point difference.  FUCK YEAH.  LOUD NOISES!!!!  I bet the people who looked past this and saw all the caps and were like "Oh man, I gotta check this out, shit goin down over there with all the caps" are very disappointed.  If there had been an issue or rule change, I would simply change the rules because FUCK YOU I'M THE COMMISSIONER.  A scoring controversy would probably go a little something like this:

NO RECOUNTS THIS TIME!

6.)(1-0) Ed Fartassian 115.4 pts hot Cosbys (0-1)Dickhead 79.0 pts

JR Says: 0 Barnburners!

Fun fact to start the season, last year's Superbowl teams started the season 0-2 while the Sackobowl team's started the season 2-0.

Ed Fartassiian covers EJ's face with ropes and ropes of (metaphorical fantasy) yogurt, he walked away from this matchup looking like he got into an accident at the custard factory.  Hah!  You can't imagine that one, you sick fucks!  And Gary, your'e welcome, just another addition to the yank bank. This matchup was more putrid than a Vince Wilfork dutch oven (just trying to up the gross factor this year!) 

Who needs the 1st pick of the draft when your R- Tarded opponent can't even set his lineup, I guess Week 1 is really week 5 of the preseason.  Whose Skankey now??

For all the countless hours of work I put into for this recap, I am finally caving in. . . I am selling out. . .Giving in to the $ and allow sponsors and commercials into the recap.  My bad bro's:

Don't be like this EJ, get Direct TV.  Or don't.  Go fuck yourself!

I implore everyone reading this to share any of those memes on Facebook!

5.) (1-0) Polk High Panthers 111.3 pts hot Cosbys

(0-1) Negro Sailfish 78.2 pts

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

Hey "Team Weeks" your'e welcome for the name assist! 

Polk High survives this week although his "All- World" keeper Odell Beckham Jr. aka Gay Buckwheat was a huge letdown.  

While I am on that topic, it is only a matter of time before everyone realizes that there is going to be a tremendous Sophmore slump.  I'm looking at you Giant's fans.  Your team just displayed a live on- air brain fart, on national TV, against a hated rival.  But hey, anything to get an Eli pouty- face this early in the season works for me.

But I digress!

Where was I, oh yeah! OBJ!  He will probably get a lot of flack this year, but one thing you can't say is that the guy is selfish.  Let's take a look into the OBJYN:

Now I don't mean to get on the "Hate Fern's Team" train while his opponent put up a shitty 78.2 points.  But I have some insider trading info I must share. . .

The Summer of Gronk is over.  Not just literally, he is wifed up and going steady.  He is so fucked now.  Use my fantasy advice SELL HIGH!! SELL HIGH!! SELL HIGH!!  Google it if you don't believe me, I am not posting that stuff on here because this isn't a football crush gossip recap Gary!

But never forget, we are all just one Pabst Blue Ribbon away from being white trash in trouble!

4.) (1-0) LRY Chillains 119.5 pts hot Cosby's 

(0-1) Gwatty 107.5 pts 

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

This one would have been closer, but Chris Ivory and that Jets O are smooth as fuck and you can'ttttt teachhhhhh thattttt!

and . . . 

Desean Jackson is S-A-W-F-T Sawwwwfffft!

Team Gwatty and the Washington Racial Slurs/ Washing R Words collectively gasped  as that feeble man- child went down with yet another injury this season.

Larry looking slightly less crazy picking Alluha Akbar in what would be equivalent to other draft's early 3rd round pick.

3.) (1-0) Sope Pro 124.0 pts hot Cosbys (0-1) Skipler 105.4 pts


JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!


I am going to start this one off on another Real- Life football rant, but if you stick with me, I promise you will see where I am going with it sooner than later . . . 

I believe that the Patriots should have last year's achievements displayed with two big fat asterisks every time it is mentioned those filthy cheaters.  Your 2015 ** Superbowl Champions the New England Patriots and your 2015 ** Superbowl MVP Tom Brady.  Personally, I think they should be forced to vacate the titles.  Could you imagine that?  Boston would turn into White Ferguson, it would be hilarious.  Anyway, after last year's Tacogate when Skipler ended up with Gronk, then a winning streak, then a 3rd title I say we refer to him as our league's ** Champion, Skipler and give him that same treatment.  

This year, the defending Superbowl Cheaters Skipler starts with a L.  I hope you can all join me in my personal celebration of not only stopping Skipler's winning streak, but also extending my head to head winning streak against our ** Champion Skipler!

While I am on the topic of shameless promotion, I would like to spotlight one very special player on my team, more specifically a bench player.  Stevie Johnson.  My last pick of the draft.  HE outscored every player on Skipler's team (with the exception of Julio).  But that's neither here nor there nor important.  What is, is that he did so while wearing a neckerchief, A GODDAMN NECKERCHIEF:

2.) (1-0) Taco Enoksen/ Red Hulk/ RCG 141.8 pts hot Cosbys

(0-1)Victorious Secret 118.1

JR Says: 0 Barn Burners!

VS takes home this year's 1st hard- luck loss against the week's high scorer, EJ and Skip's roster mule, your favorite, my favorite RED HULK!!!!!!

Red Hulk's team is looking strong so far, those players will make a fine addition to EJ and Skip's team when they make their playoff push when collusion inevitably rears its ugly head yet again.  

#REDLIVESMATTER

Thanks Johnny (really Skip) now I had to live with another week of "I hate fantasy football" in the Sope Household.

Was I the only one who though that TD celebration looked a little familiar?

(insert your quasi- racist, Ray Rice joke here)

That wasn't the only thing that I saw/ heard this weekend that made me stop and say "Hey waita minute"

. . . andddd now, your week 1 MAIN EVENT.  (Will he show up? idk, what do you think!???)

1.) (1-0) Beats By Ray 103.2 pts con-sensually sack taps

(0-1) Butt Fumblers 102.1 pts

BUT THEN THIS HAPPENED NFL THURSDAY STAT CHANGES HAPPENED, SO REALLY:

(1-0) Butt Fumblers 104.1 pts con-sensually sack taps

(0-1) Beats By Ray 103.2 

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS . . .

FOR THE SECOND TIME IN SACKO HISTORY, THE JR STROKE ALERT HAS BEEN SOUNDED . . .LOOK AT HIM GO:

The difference in this one was just the tip.  But look at the matchup, these guys are all tip.  So fellas, its time to shake your dicks cause this pissing match is over!

For those who haven't heard, there was a Jets Defensive play that was ruled a fumble and fumble recovery today which gave Wirty a late week 2 point boost.  Mah gawd.  No more words for this one. . .